First thought, best thought. Slut Squad is perfect imo.
Got "I'm putting together a team..." vibes.
You now just need a van for on-call and one of those surrealist lobster phones so you can pick up with a sultry , "Hello, Slut Squad, What is your emergency?"
In 1972, a crack Only Fans unit was sent to prison by a conservative court for a crime they didn’t commit. These women promptly escaped from a maximum security stockade to the Berkeley underground. Today, still wanted by the government, they survive as harlots of fortune. If you have a problem, If no one else can help and if you can find them. Maybe you can hire, The Slut Squad.
I'm a person that learned sex mostly from books and written resources (shout out to Girl Sex 101 by Allison Moon). I consider myself good at sex, so I would say it's paid off. I'm convinced pleasurable, great sex is a skill like anything else. My partners tend to shy away from this form of knowledge, and insist sex is either natural or intuitive, and put a lot more weight into experience over books. This isn't a direct question, I'm just curious what your views are on this! Thanks!
P.s. I wonder if DoxySquad would be good. Archaic English word for lover, but also a Greek suffix for knowledge.
idk i tend to think ppl saying 'just do intuition' have some sort of brain privilege that makes it easy for them to know how to do things. which is fine. it feels like something that is very warm culture
and like, experience is great, if you can get experience go for it, but books don't *detract* from this. Also do books.
I have a similar feeling about pickup artistry here. lots of people recoil in horror at the thought that you might explicitly figure out the techniques of seduction. It's supposed to be *genuine* or whatever. but A) intuitive things are rarely fully genuine either; people are responding quickly to incentives for social status or getitng laid and just because it's not conscious doesn't make it any more genuine, and B) what are we supposed to tell people who are awkward or autistic about this, just you're shit outta luck, you're not allowed to try too explicitly to get better, we're just gonna watch you fail?
Honestly the easiest and most useful way for awkward and overly cerebral people to get over these problems is to drink alcohol. It's a taboo suggestion but the actual think that works, consistently well, for all of history. Many don't like that answer and think of people who drink as sloppy, stupid, overbearing, violent etc. Sometimes true but for most people it just makes them much more likeable and sociable...especially an anxious person with an hyperactive prefrontal cortex...alcohol generally seriously improves their personality even while it makes a naturally extroverted person sloppy and annoying. It's not even that they have to get drunk all the time or depend on alcohol...just a few times as it would show them social things aren't actually that scary and then raise confidence in sober situations.
I think setting awkward / autistic people up for failure is part of the point. Having Game is supposed to signal that you're socially intelligent. Figuring it out by reading a book or having a script is like "cheating on the test". So the test givers discourage it, hoping that the awkwards will accurately display their lack of intuition by interacting clumsily.
Indeed, setting awkward people up for failure by making sure they stay awkward seems the whole point of morals which punish self-awareness, as someone once put it on LessWrong. I’m pretty sure the tendency to support such morals evolved for a good reason.
Only bottom feeders will actually stop and watch. Higher-status people will summarily condemn anything that might actually help the akward ones be less awkward, and carry on their busy, high-status lives. Yet-higher-status people will just let someone else spend their own time, energy and social capital doing the condemning.
I'm pretty slutty and I actually like awkward guys. I think it's charming. I don't ALWAYS want to fuck an awkward guy, but I do genuinely love a person who isn't sure what to do in every situation. I'm on the spectrum too (unbelievably good masking skills) so it feels nice sometimes to be with someone like me.
What's the best way for a man to get into the "slut cloud"? Just read pickup books and go approach every woman in your local bar? Lift weights and meet women at your local gym? Something else?
If you were a man and had a goal of sleeping with a new woman every week over the next year, what would be your strategy?
Find a scene you are excited about -> invest time into scene -> raise status inside of scene -> If x% are women, roughly be the x% highest status -> ask girls to hang out casually -> make a move
The important part is to actually be interested into the scene itself, not just to hit on girls. If your main hobbies have a low % of women, try to expanding it a bit. If you are into Warhammer miniatures (I suspect low %), expand into fantasy/roleplaying/tabletop more generally. Lots of women there.
Raising status inside a scene is not as hard as it sounds, and can basically be bootstrapped if you have reasonable social skills. If you really are into the scene, you get to know a lot of people, you can organise events, you can speak confidently about your passions. You can help others navigate the scene, introduce them etc. You don't need to one-up anyone, all of this will naturally raise your status.
Some women will naturally gravitate towards you, when you're high-status. That lot's of people interact with you, gives social proof that you are generally well-mannered. Also, asking them to hang out with you will be natural if you are organising events, or have a project important to the scene. I often just tell people I want to get to know them better, which can be interpreted in different ways.
Making a move is perhaps the part that requires the most skill. But you don't have to overthink it. Framing is important. My favourite frame: "It's so awesome that we are into the same things. We have a great connection. I am curious about you as a person. It would be pretty brave and self-affirming of us, if we explore this further."
Idk, Aella talks a lot about the "slut cloud" where high-body-count men are constantly banging high-body-count women. Are all of these people part of a hobby of some sort where they meet each other? I guess it might be possible but do you have empirical data like "Bob was the lead organizer of roleplaying events in Missouri and he's slept with 300 women"?
Your advice is perfectly reasonable for "how to find a GF" or "how to sleep with someone new once every few months". But I don't think it works for "sleep with someone new every week".
I've been to London quite a bit, and have been in what I perceive as a slutcloud there. Basically, there is a guy hosting private sex parties regularly, so you need to know people to get in. But once in the scene it was quite easy to sleep with new women.
I live in a city that's considerably smaller, where the sex-positive community is even smaller. It's really difficult here.
I don't think the bay area has a monopoly on the slutcloud phenomenon; you can find high overlap in kinkster and even social dance scenes, for example.
and i'm not sure 'high status' man is quite the right descriptor as much as it is 'man signaling willingness to date slutty women'. Lots of guys put off "I want a picky woman with sexual standards" vibes, or won't pursue relationships with high bodycount women. these guys are selecting themselves out of the slutcloud.
> And the men in the slutcloud are not random himbos, but rather people who are high-status there for a reason and who are able to navigate the space well
Right! And the question is how one can work their way into being one of these "high status poly bay area" men.
Well, if you're attractive it's a whole different game entirely. Attractiveness gives you an immediate, context-independent status-boost, so most of the leg-work is already done.
Well.... as a guy who was a model in my 20s, I can tell you that it's not that straightforward. Sure, I can got some initial attention, but before I got some "game" (social skills pertaining to seduction), I had almost no success with women.
I isolated during covid, and more or less seem to have lost a lot of social skills because of it, and I feel I'm back to square 1 again. I'm defo not in the slutcloud now :/
My guess is that if the slut cloud were straightforwardly accessible to outsider men, it would be immediately flooded with outsider men. Probably the best way in is to make friends with and be invited in by a cloud slut. Move to the bay area, fill your circles with women until one of them mentions an orgy they're going to, then seize the opportunity.
I think this is partially true, but there's also a thing where the slutcloud tends to be more full of men who don't mind dating women who are also banging other men, or who've had a real high bodycount in the past. Lots of men self-select out of this.
How can I signal this? I've tried "I like sluts", but I get the impression that sluts are afraid of being called sluts, even if I tell them that I in my book it's a compliment, not a negative.
Yes, the truth is that women with more experience tend to be better at sex and are less likely to become crazy obsessed stalkers or controlling bipolar lunatics.
An exception should be made, however, for those with learning difficulties, poor judgement, surrounded by violent possessive men or have sex diseases.
I think you'd have more success asking for "nymphos" though, as that has fewer negative stereotypes.
Slut often means someone low class who sleeps with anyone, whereas nympho means someone who likes sex a lot, but doesn't usually indicate low standards.
Arguably, it indicates high standards for bedroom performance.
But ultimately, I'd say it is best not to describe your preferences in a way that labels your future dating partner in any conceivably derogatory way. Because then, by accepting you they accept the label.
Better to describe yourself as open-minded, understanding, or any of the other euphemisms for "cheat on me".
I realise that "fill your circles with women" is not an atomic action and is especially hard for men in the bay area specifically. I have no good advice for how to do that.
If you are interesting, smart and funny, and you do interesting things in your life, and you present as open-minded in a way that doesn’t seem menacing, women find you if you are paying attention. When they do find you, you need to discern if there is any fire that is present in your interaction. At that point, be thoroughly honest about the intention of your desire. If the feeling of desire is reciprocated, I generally confess that my tastes aren’t vanilla. This will either open up the discussion, or create an opportunity for her to divert to an alternate subject.
That would depend on your life’s social routines. My “body count” has slowed to a trickle, as my life is more sequestered now. But when I was socially active and interesting, I could have a new partner each week. It’s true. I live in a rural area now, but my urban life was quite active.
As in, don't try to join the slut cloud and focus on something else? I mean, sure, that's a valid approach, but I'm just curious how it works in theory.
I'd be curious what Aella has to say. As a guy with a totally different point of view / interest in sex (I'd rather boink the same woman once a day for a year or so), my impression is that if you want to be highly active with a lot of different women then you'd get involved on Fetlife with some local "communities", then you should soon have lots of opportunities with sex (not necessarily with anyone you'd *want* to have sex with).
Even such communities, even in a major city are going to be somewhat limited in women so it might be hard to actually find a *different* woman once a week.
More practical would be to join some of the expensive dating sites that cater to women looking for financial benefit. This of course would become extremely expensive very quickly.
If you are looking more conventionally, in person, then visiting many bars and having a very low "standard" and being very generous (after also studying how to build your charisma and charm) then perhaps you'd have success.
Many of these routes all lead to a need for a substantial amount of money. For example it costs multiple thousands of dollars to enroll in "People School" to learn techniques to improve your charisma and a ton of skills for initiating interactions. And for something like that, you can't just throw money at it. You need to spent TIME studying and practicing.
Married with two young children here. Both work full time so not much free time. When we are on vacation sex is great but when we are home it's something she lets me do vs something she is excited to do. Enjoys it during but getting over the hump of I just want to crash is a large issue. How do you get that vacation sex attraction/desire during the mundane daily life.
Things that make vacation sex exciting- being relaxed, knowing you wont' be interrupted and being in a novel environment.
A few things to consider
- is there a task you can take off her to do list that would give her the energy to have sex in the evening?
- Is there something you could do for her that makes her feel amorous, like doing bedtime while she takes a bath?
- to capture some of that vacation novelty- get dressed like you're going out or put on some colored lights to make the environment look a bit different
There is a good concept we will explore more in a followup blog about proceptivity versus receptivity. Most women are more receptive than proceptive- meaning that they "let you have sex" versus "initiate sex". Not initiating sex doesn't mean you don't want it, it's just a more feminine mode. In my opinion people are too about being "in the mood"-as long as you know you'll enjoy sex once it starts, you are in the mood. Men shouldn't be sensitive about how sex started- women can change even more when they are aroused than men. Don't hold her unaroused vibe against her.
oh also- most parents I know whose bedroom isn't dead have scheduled sex. It's just much easier to have sex in the evening when you are prepared for it than when you are fantasizing about crashing.
As the wife in a similar situation, I wanted to hop in and affirm how much I agree with this. Both the initiation part and the schedule part. A slight variant is that we schedule make out time with no pressure on where it leads.
We used to have next to zero sex and when we did I had to initiate and his response was too thinky not enough wood. Then I told him to take more initiative and stop asking what/when I want. Just do it! It's been a game changer.
We're in the baby boat now, which definitely created some issues in this department. Unfortunately I've struggled to sell the "scheduling" idea, despite all the good relationship books promoting it, my wife just associates it with "ugh, forced, obligated, unnatural".
My latest plan is to sell it as "scheduled physical affection time" meaning no expectation of sex, but the time is on the calendar for massage or whatever happens :)
Thanks! Definitely like being dragged into sex. But will appreciate sex no matter how it starts
Strange follow up. On vacation she likes to have sex on the balcony/by an open window. Something she will never do at home. Any suggestions for safe but risky sex. Not interested in a sex club. Getting a couple's massage is probably closest I've gotten at home.
Depends on how likely she is to suspend belief! "role play" has hardcore connotations but it can be really simple. You can just pretend you don't know each other. You can turn on a video of an open window on your TV and pretend people can see you. If you're lucky enough to have a partner with a "yes, and" (a phrase from improv) view of sex then lots of things are possible.
There are many components for what makes sex "good" but I'm interested in classifying them into two categories:
- the more you try, the better the outcome
- the more you try, the worse the outcome
An example of "the better the outcome" might be something like, the more you do cardio and work out, the more stamina you have, etc.
An example of "the worse the outcome" might be something like, the more you try to give her an orgasm, the more pressure she might feel, the less likely it'll happen.
What are some examples of things people think are in one category but are actually in the other? Maybe, put more simply, what is controllable and what isn't with respect to making sex good?
i'm not sure i like this frame so much? Or maybe there's a lil rephrasing of it that would feel better.
i've been doing lots of interviews with women where i ask what makes sex good, and often what they say is less about the tryingness about the man and more like... where he is when he tries, if that makes sense?
when i first read your question my intuition was to say 'more trying is always better. try more, try harder - but above all, try *smarter*'.
like, the 'pressure to orgasm' is the example I gave in Pt 1
If I had to boil it down to one point of emphasis here for myself, my takeaway is: the act of being present and responsive in the moment has more impact than trying to force a desired outcome.
How do you learn to trust your instincts and let yourself feel safe enough with someone you don't know well? I like rough sex but also, I ain't looking to make friends, really?
How do you balance getting to know someone well enough to fuck them with keeping boundaries so you don't end up in a situation where there's mismatched expectations?
Aella sometimes has this attitude like "people who have been married for 20 years don't need my help, they already know how to have sex" of course that's not true we need help too, maybe even more.
(BTW I don't see the comments I've already posted, maybe they need to be moderated or something. I posted a suggestion for the name of the squad and I'm not sure the post went through so I'm going to embarrass myself by posting it again. My suggestion was "the slutisticians".)
My guess is that A LOT of people have no idea how to even talk about sex, desire, sexuality, lust, technique, frame, actions, etc. I think Aella tends to refer to people dating for more like 2-4 years should have learned their partner's needs more than they would follow her advice here. That said, I think that in my own life I've just sort of had sex the way I had sex (different with different partners) and it has been very, very interesting to expand my vocabulary on the language of desire and connection and pleasure through this series.
Hi, im 27 F with a body count of around 40. While I've enjoyed really great sex, I don't think I've ever experienced anything mindblowing, which makes me feel like I'm missing out / not filtering potential partners well.
What are some of the realizations re sex / ways of filtering / setting up tests for potential partners, that significantly affected your sex lives positively?
Thanks !
Also would love to see a Good at Sex version for ladies in the future one day :)
I think sex only started getting mind blowing for me when I started exploring kink. I've had way too much sex to be terribly entertained by the old standard vanilla sequence of events with bodies doing sex things to each other. I want my body to become the orifice through which my mind gets so thoroughly fucked it ceases to function.
Have you explored kink? It's something to consider if regular sex seems a bit boring to you, and if you're a sensation-seeking person in general. There's still lots of filtering to do within that space to find someone who is good at sex and compatible with your taste, and Diana's advice around repeat encounters and finding someone who's motivated to impress you is great.
Would you be open to blog posts/interviews of actual detail around what kink is and what it means and how it plays out? Like Aella's BDSM survey implies certain power dynamics that are played out in almost role-play 'scenes', and I understand some BDSM relationships, but not how kink is truly integrated into relationships and sex at a 1:1 level. I think many people don't have models for how to do this in reality. What does it actually mean? What does mind blowing kink sex look like in 3 different flavors?
Some women have great sex with new partners- speaking for myself- having sex with a new person is exciting for me and I'm not shy about directing a man to do what I like. But most women have better or the best sex with someone who knows them at least a bit. So you can start with a guy who is pretty good in bed, and level him up if you know how to direct him.
I think that having sex with someone who takes pride in their ability to please women and who identifies as being good at sex is probably a way to make it likelier you'll have great sex. But also, a man who really likes you in particular and is interested in impressing you- for instance because they want to pursue seeing you regularly, might be the second ingredient.
How common is squirting? How come are multiple orgasms, meaning over 10 per session. I am a woman, 41, married 16 years and divorced for one, wherr I got really adventurous with my sex life. I come extremely easily, sometimes over 20 times, and squirt a lot, and really want to know how common this is, for both sex workers and non sex workers. Media makes it seems like having an orgasm is rare for women, and that is not even close to my personal experience and I have always wonder if it is really rare or just not that talked about. I also happen to have a very high libido, which I am not sure is connected to the orgasm thing. Can't wait for the squad's answer!
I actually haven't asked about squirting or orgasm ease in any of my surveys yet, so I personally don't have direct data. But ppl have done some research on this before - i think something like 9/10 women are capable of orgasm at all, and around 1/2 orgasm during sex, ish?
In my anecdotal experience plus the interviews on good sex i've done with women, i'd roughly estimate maybe 10% of women are in the 'cums super easily' group.
I used to think of the 1/2 come through sex as true, but I think it is actually higher than that. Once a woman comes a few time through clit , g-spot , almost all of those can then have sex-alone orgasms in that session, and I think most that can orgasm can get to 10 orgasms in a session if given say 90 minutes. Similarly orgasms definitely seem to increase received pleasure from an and p spot stimulation . I think you are about right with the 10% easy Orgasm women, maybe closer to 5% for true hair trigger orgasm (maybe less, I’ve only met 3). For the “super squirters” maybe closer to 5%, although over 50% can squirt with the right stimulation and instruction
For Aella: I find your outlook on the pain you’ve experience through trauma inspiring. You’ve mentioned in a past article about how people reacted to your abuse and would recoil in horror/disbelief which could at times increase the suffering. I’m wondering if there is a way you wish people would react to stories of trauma? What do you think is the healthiest reaction to stories for people that have not experienced (or even come close) to the same level of trauma? Thank you!
i'd say healthiest reaction is to find out their reaction and empathize with that. when people say "oh my grandpa died", i ask "are you sad about it?" instead of going "oh how sad". Just, before assuming how they must feel, stop and inquire with them, and then follow their lead about their own emotional state.
I've followed both you and Diana on Twitter for years. I'm a 39 year old woman and I've slept with about 12-15 men. The reason it's not more is that... there's no reason to do it unless I'm getting a lot in exchange for it. Like devotion, fidelity, taking care of me in some way, being very complimentary, etc.... Sex is something I do for the man, I let him have access to my holes, and it's very exciting for him, and it feels very good, but it leaves me unmoved. I've never received oral sex that I liked. I have slept with men and told them, "Please let's try everything you can think of to get me off. Look at my clitoris with a flashlight to make sure you can find it." I've done dominance and submission. The only way I can reliably get off is to close my eyes and concentrate very hard and use a vibrator. The dick? The tongue? The hands? They don't do anything for me. I really don't think this is unusual, either. I have a friend who's slept with upwards of 100 men and she says that she "usually" doesn't get off. What?! What's the point, then? I genuinely think sex is for men and our bodies aren't built to enjoy it. Theirs are.
This is a powerfully emotionally honest comment. I am grateful to you sharing it, and it can't have been easy to write. I may be forward here, but you might strongly enjoy reading the Hite Report, which is a 1970's era survey and study of female sexuality. A free PDF is available here: https:// tallirosenbaum [dot] com /wp-content/uploads/2019/10/shere-hite-the-hite-report.pdf /// https://tallirosenbaum.com/wp-content/uploads/2019/10/shere-hite-the-hite-report.pdf
Do you have an active masturbation life? Have you explored porn and romance novels and other forms of erotica? Do you have any sexual trauma in your past? Have you tried any flavors of sex therapy? I don't mean to judge you in any way. You seem to want a more robust and vibrant sexual life/pleasure. There is some pretty active hostility in some of your words, which is 100% OK and likely validly earned, but I would encourage you to be gentle with yourself and try to find resources to work on this. I've heard about a lot of women who have healed their lack of enjoyment of sex and I hope you find this for yourself.
I guess, I think your advice to men about how to be good at sex is useful to society, but I wonder if there's a "how to hypnotize yourself into enjoying sex" for women... but I guess if you naturally enjoy it, you can't really give advice about how to start enjoying it, maybe.
> there's no reason to do it unless I'm getting a lot in exchange for it. Like devotion, fidelity, taking care of me in some way, being very complimentary, etc.... Sex is something I do for the man,
Then again, the existence of sex work in the forms we know it strongly suggests heterosexual sex is essentially always a service done by the woman to the man, even when she enjoys it as much as he does, or even more. Market forces are still on her side to demand more in return, whether explicitly or in the roundabout, signalling-gamey ways so many people communicate.
> What's the point, then? I genuinely think sex is for men and our bodies aren't built to enjoy it. Theirs are.
Trying? Besides the pleasure itself and the health benefits, maybe frequent orgasms can help you understand men a bit better? I mean, in case you are in any danger of forgetting how naturally pleasurable you are, and how anything involving physical contact with you is like tasting some delicious candy, only better.
I know you can’t say this these days without being accused of not respecting women as people, and so on, but I think one thing has precisely zero to do with the other.
Bayes Baes
omg
I can't top Bayes Baes (npi) but thought I'd throw Queens of Quant in the mix -
And this is the founding Bay [area] chapter?
First thought, best thought. Slut Squad is perfect imo.
Got "I'm putting together a team..." vibes.
You now just need a van for on-call and one of those surrealist lobster phones so you can pick up with a sultry , "Hello, Slut Squad, What is your emergency?"
In 1972, a crack Only Fans unit was sent to prison by a conservative court for a crime they didn’t commit. These women promptly escaped from a maximum security stockade to the Berkeley underground. Today, still wanted by the government, they survive as harlots of fortune. If you have a problem, If no one else can help and if you can find them. Maybe you can hire, The Slut Squad.
Intersexual Dark Web.
I'm sorry.
Sex Positive Analytic Women Now! SPAWN!
I'm a person that learned sex mostly from books and written resources (shout out to Girl Sex 101 by Allison Moon). I consider myself good at sex, so I would say it's paid off. I'm convinced pleasurable, great sex is a skill like anything else. My partners tend to shy away from this form of knowledge, and insist sex is either natural or intuitive, and put a lot more weight into experience over books. This isn't a direct question, I'm just curious what your views are on this! Thanks!
P.s. I wonder if DoxySquad would be good. Archaic English word for lover, but also a Greek suffix for knowledge.
Doxysquad is cute! will add it to potential list.
idk i tend to think ppl saying 'just do intuition' have some sort of brain privilege that makes it easy for them to know how to do things. which is fine. it feels like something that is very warm culture
https://aella.substack.com/p/cold-and-warm-cultures
and like, experience is great, if you can get experience go for it, but books don't *detract* from this. Also do books.
I have a similar feeling about pickup artistry here. lots of people recoil in horror at the thought that you might explicitly figure out the techniques of seduction. It's supposed to be *genuine* or whatever. but A) intuitive things are rarely fully genuine either; people are responding quickly to incentives for social status or getitng laid and just because it's not conscious doesn't make it any more genuine, and B) what are we supposed to tell people who are awkward or autistic about this, just you're shit outta luck, you're not allowed to try too explicitly to get better, we're just gonna watch you fail?
Honestly the easiest and most useful way for awkward and overly cerebral people to get over these problems is to drink alcohol. It's a taboo suggestion but the actual think that works, consistently well, for all of history. Many don't like that answer and think of people who drink as sloppy, stupid, overbearing, violent etc. Sometimes true but for most people it just makes them much more likeable and sociable...especially an anxious person with an hyperactive prefrontal cortex...alcohol generally seriously improves their personality even while it makes a naturally extroverted person sloppy and annoying. It's not even that they have to get drunk all the time or depend on alcohol...just a few times as it would show them social things aren't actually that scary and then raise confidence in sober situations.
I think setting awkward / autistic people up for failure is part of the point. Having Game is supposed to signal that you're socially intelligent. Figuring it out by reading a book or having a script is like "cheating on the test". So the test givers discourage it, hoping that the awkwards will accurately display their lack of intuition by interacting clumsily.
Indeed, setting awkward people up for failure by making sure they stay awkward seems the whole point of morals which punish self-awareness, as someone once put it on LessWrong. I’m pretty sure the tendency to support such morals evolved for a good reason.
> we're just gonna watch you fail?
Only bottom feeders will actually stop and watch. Higher-status people will summarily condemn anything that might actually help the akward ones be less awkward, and carry on their busy, high-status lives. Yet-higher-status people will just let someone else spend their own time, energy and social capital doing the condemning.
I'm pretty slutty and I actually like awkward guys. I think it's charming. I don't ALWAYS want to fuck an awkward guy, but I do genuinely love a person who isn't sure what to do in every situation. I'm on the spectrum too (unbelievably good masking skills) so it feels nice sometimes to be with someone like me.
Books helped me when I was young and learning about myself. Its fun to get creative ideas in long term relationships from books or anything
What's the best way for a man to get into the "slut cloud"? Just read pickup books and go approach every woman in your local bar? Lift weights and meet women at your local gym? Something else?
If you were a man and had a goal of sleeping with a new woman every week over the next year, what would be your strategy?
Here is the basic recepie:
Find a scene you are excited about -> invest time into scene -> raise status inside of scene -> If x% are women, roughly be the x% highest status -> ask girls to hang out casually -> make a move
The important part is to actually be interested into the scene itself, not just to hit on girls. If your main hobbies have a low % of women, try to expanding it a bit. If you are into Warhammer miniatures (I suspect low %), expand into fantasy/roleplaying/tabletop more generally. Lots of women there.
Raising status inside a scene is not as hard as it sounds, and can basically be bootstrapped if you have reasonable social skills. If you really are into the scene, you get to know a lot of people, you can organise events, you can speak confidently about your passions. You can help others navigate the scene, introduce them etc. You don't need to one-up anyone, all of this will naturally raise your status.
Some women will naturally gravitate towards you, when you're high-status. That lot's of people interact with you, gives social proof that you are generally well-mannered. Also, asking them to hang out with you will be natural if you are organising events, or have a project important to the scene. I often just tell people I want to get to know them better, which can be interpreted in different ways.
Making a move is perhaps the part that requires the most skill. But you don't have to overthink it. Framing is important. My favourite frame: "It's so awesome that we are into the same things. We have a great connection. I am curious about you as a person. It would be pretty brave and self-affirming of us, if we explore this further."
Idk, Aella talks a lot about the "slut cloud" where high-body-count men are constantly banging high-body-count women. Are all of these people part of a hobby of some sort where they meet each other? I guess it might be possible but do you have empirical data like "Bob was the lead organizer of roleplaying events in Missouri and he's slept with 300 women"?
Your advice is perfectly reasonable for "how to find a GF" or "how to sleep with someone new once every few months". But I don't think it works for "sleep with someone new every week".
I've been to London quite a bit, and have been in what I perceive as a slutcloud there. Basically, there is a guy hosting private sex parties regularly, so you need to know people to get in. But once in the scene it was quite easy to sleep with new women.
I live in a city that's considerably smaller, where the sex-positive community is even smaller. It's really difficult here.
I don't think the bay area has a monopoly on the slutcloud phenomenon; you can find high overlap in kinkster and even social dance scenes, for example.
and i'm not sure 'high status' man is quite the right descriptor as much as it is 'man signaling willingness to date slutty women'. Lots of guys put off "I want a picky woman with sexual standards" vibes, or won't pursue relationships with high bodycount women. these guys are selecting themselves out of the slutcloud.
> And the men in the slutcloud are not random himbos, but rather people who are high-status there for a reason and who are able to navigate the space well
Right! And the question is how one can work their way into being one of these "high status poly bay area" men.
> people who are high-status there for a reason
But is that reason something safe / reasonable / non-harmful / good to pursue?
Well, if you're attractive it's a whole different game entirely. Attractiveness gives you an immediate, context-independent status-boost, so most of the leg-work is already done.
Well.... as a guy who was a model in my 20s, I can tell you that it's not that straightforward. Sure, I can got some initial attention, but before I got some "game" (social skills pertaining to seduction), I had almost no success with women.
I isolated during covid, and more or less seem to have lost a lot of social skills because of it, and I feel I'm back to square 1 again. I'm defo not in the slutcloud now :/
Attractive is a vibe as much as a physical characteristic.
That is true! especially for men.
Yeah, that's probably the most common way to get to 50 these days. But I don't think these guys are in the "slut cloud" per se.
My guess is that if the slut cloud were straightforwardly accessible to outsider men, it would be immediately flooded with outsider men. Probably the best way in is to make friends with and be invited in by a cloud slut. Move to the bay area, fill your circles with women until one of them mentions an orgy they're going to, then seize the opportunity.
I think this is partially true, but there's also a thing where the slutcloud tends to be more full of men who don't mind dating women who are also banging other men, or who've had a real high bodycount in the past. Lots of men self-select out of this.
How can I signal this? I've tried "I like sluts", but I get the impression that sluts are afraid of being called sluts, even if I tell them that I in my book it's a compliment, not a negative.
Yes, the truth is that women with more experience tend to be better at sex and are less likely to become crazy obsessed stalkers or controlling bipolar lunatics.
An exception should be made, however, for those with learning difficulties, poor judgement, surrounded by violent possessive men or have sex diseases.
I think you'd have more success asking for "nymphos" though, as that has fewer negative stereotypes.
Slut often means someone low class who sleeps with anyone, whereas nympho means someone who likes sex a lot, but doesn't usually indicate low standards.
Arguably, it indicates high standards for bedroom performance.
But ultimately, I'd say it is best not to describe your preferences in a way that labels your future dating partner in any conceivably derogatory way. Because then, by accepting you they accept the label.
Better to describe yourself as open-minded, understanding, or any of the other euphemisms for "cheat on me".
I realise that "fill your circles with women" is not an atomic action and is especially hard for men in the bay area specifically. I have no good advice for how to do that.
If you are interesting, smart and funny, and you do interesting things in your life, and you present as open-minded in a way that doesn’t seem menacing, women find you if you are paying attention. When they do find you, you need to discern if there is any fire that is present in your interaction. At that point, be thoroughly honest about the intention of your desire. If the feeling of desire is reciprocated, I generally confess that my tastes aren’t vanilla. This will either open up the discussion, or create an opportunity for her to divert to an alternate subject.
Good advice for "how to find a GF" or "sleep with a new woman every few months". Doesn't work that well for "sleep with someone new every week".
That would depend on your life’s social routines. My “body count” has slowed to a trickle, as my life is more sequestered now. But when I was socially active and interesting, I could have a new partner each week. It’s true. I live in a rural area now, but my urban life was quite active.
Are there any other qualifications to this? Can it be transactional?
Find a different hobby?
As in, don't try to join the slut cloud and focus on something else? I mean, sure, that's a valid approach, but I'm just curious how it works in theory.
I'd be curious what Aella has to say. As a guy with a totally different point of view / interest in sex (I'd rather boink the same woman once a day for a year or so), my impression is that if you want to be highly active with a lot of different women then you'd get involved on Fetlife with some local "communities", then you should soon have lots of opportunities with sex (not necessarily with anyone you'd *want* to have sex with).
Even such communities, even in a major city are going to be somewhat limited in women so it might be hard to actually find a *different* woman once a week.
More practical would be to join some of the expensive dating sites that cater to women looking for financial benefit. This of course would become extremely expensive very quickly.
If you are looking more conventionally, in person, then visiting many bars and having a very low "standard" and being very generous (after also studying how to build your charisma and charm) then perhaps you'd have success.
Many of these routes all lead to a need for a substantial amount of money. For example it costs multiple thousands of dollars to enroll in "People School" to learn techniques to improve your charisma and a ton of skills for initiating interactions. And for something like that, you can't just throw money at it. You need to spent TIME studying and practicing.
Married with two young children here. Both work full time so not much free time. When we are on vacation sex is great but when we are home it's something she lets me do vs something she is excited to do. Enjoys it during but getting over the hump of I just want to crash is a large issue. How do you get that vacation sex attraction/desire during the mundane daily life.
Things that make vacation sex exciting- being relaxed, knowing you wont' be interrupted and being in a novel environment.
A few things to consider
- is there a task you can take off her to do list that would give her the energy to have sex in the evening?
- Is there something you could do for her that makes her feel amorous, like doing bedtime while she takes a bath?
- to capture some of that vacation novelty- get dressed like you're going out or put on some colored lights to make the environment look a bit different
There is a good concept we will explore more in a followup blog about proceptivity versus receptivity. Most women are more receptive than proceptive- meaning that they "let you have sex" versus "initiate sex". Not initiating sex doesn't mean you don't want it, it's just a more feminine mode. In my opinion people are too about being "in the mood"-as long as you know you'll enjoy sex once it starts, you are in the mood. Men shouldn't be sensitive about how sex started- women can change even more when they are aroused than men. Don't hold her unaroused vibe against her.
oh also- most parents I know whose bedroom isn't dead have scheduled sex. It's just much easier to have sex in the evening when you are prepared for it than when you are fantasizing about crashing.
As the wife in a similar situation, I wanted to hop in and affirm how much I agree with this. Both the initiation part and the schedule part. A slight variant is that we schedule make out time with no pressure on where it leads.
make out time sounds like a great idea!
We used to have next to zero sex and when we did I had to initiate and his response was too thinky not enough wood. Then I told him to take more initiative and stop asking what/when I want. Just do it! It's been a game changer.
We're in the baby boat now, which definitely created some issues in this department. Unfortunately I've struggled to sell the "scheduling" idea, despite all the good relationship books promoting it, my wife just associates it with "ugh, forced, obligated, unnatural".
My latest plan is to sell it as "scheduled physical affection time" meaning no expectation of sex, but the time is on the calendar for massage or whatever happens :)
Thanks! Definitely like being dragged into sex. But will appreciate sex no matter how it starts
Strange follow up. On vacation she likes to have sex on the balcony/by an open window. Something she will never do at home. Any suggestions for safe but risky sex. Not interested in a sex club. Getting a couple's massage is probably closest I've gotten at home.
Depends on how likely she is to suspend belief! "role play" has hardcore connotations but it can be really simple. You can just pretend you don't know each other. You can turn on a video of an open window on your TV and pretend people can see you. If you're lucky enough to have a partner with a "yes, and" (a phrase from improv) view of sex then lots of things are possible.
There are many components for what makes sex "good" but I'm interested in classifying them into two categories:
- the more you try, the better the outcome
- the more you try, the worse the outcome
An example of "the better the outcome" might be something like, the more you do cardio and work out, the more stamina you have, etc.
An example of "the worse the outcome" might be something like, the more you try to give her an orgasm, the more pressure she might feel, the less likely it'll happen.
What are some examples of things people think are in one category but are actually in the other? Maybe, put more simply, what is controllable and what isn't with respect to making sex good?
i'm not sure i like this frame so much? Or maybe there's a lil rephrasing of it that would feel better.
i've been doing lots of interviews with women where i ask what makes sex good, and often what they say is less about the tryingness about the man and more like... where he is when he tries, if that makes sense?
when i first read your question my intuition was to say 'more trying is always better. try more, try harder - but above all, try *smarter*'.
like, the 'pressure to orgasm' is the example I gave in Pt 1
https://aella.substack.com/p/how-to-be-good-at-sex-starve-her
and the solution to this isn't *try less*; it's more like *get a good grasp of what's going on and then try cleverly* ?
not sure if this all makes sense
It does make sense and I love that reframe: “don’t try harder, try more cleverly”
If I had to boil it down to one point of emphasis here for myself, my takeaway is: the act of being present and responsive in the moment has more impact than trying to force a desired outcome.
Emerging slut here,
How do you learn to trust your instincts and let yourself feel safe enough with someone you don't know well? I like rough sex but also, I ain't looking to make friends, really?
How do you balance getting to know someone well enough to fuck them with keeping boundaries so you don't end up in a situation where there's mismatched expectations?
How do you get people to LEAVE after sex??????
“The Sex Council” sounds more serious. Imagine starting an interview with “I am from The Sex Council”, it really sounds like something.
Aella sometimes has this attitude like "people who have been married for 20 years don't need my help, they already know how to have sex" of course that's not true we need help too, maybe even more.
(BTW I don't see the comments I've already posted, maybe they need to be moderated or something. I posted a suggestion for the name of the squad and I'm not sure the post went through so I'm going to embarrass myself by posting it again. My suggestion was "the slutisticians".)
My guess is that A LOT of people have no idea how to even talk about sex, desire, sexuality, lust, technique, frame, actions, etc. I think Aella tends to refer to people dating for more like 2-4 years should have learned their partner's needs more than they would follow her advice here. That said, I think that in my own life I've just sort of had sex the way I had sex (different with different partners) and it has been very, very interesting to expand my vocabulary on the language of desire and connection and pleasure through this series.
ASS (Analytical Slut Sisterhood)
Hi, im 27 F with a body count of around 40. While I've enjoyed really great sex, I don't think I've ever experienced anything mindblowing, which makes me feel like I'm missing out / not filtering potential partners well.
What are some of the realizations re sex / ways of filtering / setting up tests for potential partners, that significantly affected your sex lives positively?
Thanks !
Also would love to see a Good at Sex version for ladies in the future one day :)
I think sex only started getting mind blowing for me when I started exploring kink. I've had way too much sex to be terribly entertained by the old standard vanilla sequence of events with bodies doing sex things to each other. I want my body to become the orifice through which my mind gets so thoroughly fucked it ceases to function.
Have you explored kink? It's something to consider if regular sex seems a bit boring to you, and if you're a sensation-seeking person in general. There's still lots of filtering to do within that space to find someone who is good at sex and compatible with your taste, and Diana's advice around repeat encounters and finding someone who's motivated to impress you is great.
"I want my body to become the orifice through which my mind gets so thoroughly fucked it ceases to function."
My whole everything quivers in resonance.
Would you be open to blog posts/interviews of actual detail around what kink is and what it means and how it plays out? Like Aella's BDSM survey implies certain power dynamics that are played out in almost role-play 'scenes', and I understand some BDSM relationships, but not how kink is truly integrated into relationships and sex at a 1:1 level. I think many people don't have models for how to do this in reality. What does it actually mean? What does mind blowing kink sex look like in 3 different flavors?
Some women have great sex with new partners- speaking for myself- having sex with a new person is exciting for me and I'm not shy about directing a man to do what I like. But most women have better or the best sex with someone who knows them at least a bit. So you can start with a guy who is pretty good in bed, and level him up if you know how to direct him.
I think that having sex with someone who takes pride in their ability to please women and who identifies as being good at sex is probably a way to make it likelier you'll have great sex. But also, a man who really likes you in particular and is interested in impressing you- for instance because they want to pursue seeing you regularly, might be the second ingredient.
How common is squirting? How come are multiple orgasms, meaning over 10 per session. I am a woman, 41, married 16 years and divorced for one, wherr I got really adventurous with my sex life. I come extremely easily, sometimes over 20 times, and squirt a lot, and really want to know how common this is, for both sex workers and non sex workers. Media makes it seems like having an orgasm is rare for women, and that is not even close to my personal experience and I have always wonder if it is really rare or just not that talked about. I also happen to have a very high libido, which I am not sure is connected to the orgasm thing. Can't wait for the squad's answer!
I actually haven't asked about squirting or orgasm ease in any of my surveys yet, so I personally don't have direct data. But ppl have done some research on this before - i think something like 9/10 women are capable of orgasm at all, and around 1/2 orgasm during sex, ish?
In my anecdotal experience plus the interviews on good sex i've done with women, i'd roughly estimate maybe 10% of women are in the 'cums super easily' group.
I used to think of the 1/2 come through sex as true, but I think it is actually higher than that. Once a woman comes a few time through clit , g-spot , almost all of those can then have sex-alone orgasms in that session, and I think most that can orgasm can get to 10 orgasms in a session if given say 90 minutes. Similarly orgasms definitely seem to increase received pleasure from an and p spot stimulation . I think you are about right with the 10% easy Orgasm women, maybe closer to 5% for true hair trigger orgasm (maybe less, I’ve only met 3). For the “super squirters” maybe closer to 5%, although over 50% can squirt with the right stimulation and instruction
Thank you for answering!
For Aella: I find your outlook on the pain you’ve experience through trauma inspiring. You’ve mentioned in a past article about how people reacted to your abuse and would recoil in horror/disbelief which could at times increase the suffering. I’m wondering if there is a way you wish people would react to stories of trauma? What do you think is the healthiest reaction to stories for people that have not experienced (or even come close) to the same level of trauma? Thank you!
i'd say healthiest reaction is to find out their reaction and empathize with that. when people say "oh my grandpa died", i ask "are you sad about it?" instead of going "oh how sad". Just, before assuming how they must feel, stop and inquire with them, and then follow their lead about their own emotional state.
Compassionate curiosity for the win always.
I think a lot of people will be offended because you’ve entertained the possibility that they might not be sad.
I've followed both you and Diana on Twitter for years. I'm a 39 year old woman and I've slept with about 12-15 men. The reason it's not more is that... there's no reason to do it unless I'm getting a lot in exchange for it. Like devotion, fidelity, taking care of me in some way, being very complimentary, etc.... Sex is something I do for the man, I let him have access to my holes, and it's very exciting for him, and it feels very good, but it leaves me unmoved. I've never received oral sex that I liked. I have slept with men and told them, "Please let's try everything you can think of to get me off. Look at my clitoris with a flashlight to make sure you can find it." I've done dominance and submission. The only way I can reliably get off is to close my eyes and concentrate very hard and use a vibrator. The dick? The tongue? The hands? They don't do anything for me. I really don't think this is unusual, either. I have a friend who's slept with upwards of 100 men and she says that she "usually" doesn't get off. What?! What's the point, then? I genuinely think sex is for men and our bodies aren't built to enjoy it. Theirs are.
This is a powerfully emotionally honest comment. I am grateful to you sharing it, and it can't have been easy to write. I may be forward here, but you might strongly enjoy reading the Hite Report, which is a 1970's era survey and study of female sexuality. A free PDF is available here: https:// tallirosenbaum [dot] com /wp-content/uploads/2019/10/shere-hite-the-hite-report.pdf /// https://tallirosenbaum.com/wp-content/uploads/2019/10/shere-hite-the-hite-report.pdf
Do you have an active masturbation life? Have you explored porn and romance novels and other forms of erotica? Do you have any sexual trauma in your past? Have you tried any flavors of sex therapy? I don't mean to judge you in any way. You seem to want a more robust and vibrant sexual life/pleasure. There is some pretty active hostility in some of your words, which is 100% OK and likely validly earned, but I would encourage you to be gentle with yourself and try to find resources to work on this. I've heard about a lot of women who have healed their lack of enjoyment of sex and I hope you find this for yourself.
I guess, I think your advice to men about how to be good at sex is useful to society, but I wonder if there's a "how to hypnotize yourself into enjoying sex" for women... but I guess if you naturally enjoy it, you can't really give advice about how to start enjoying it, maybe.
> there's no reason to do it unless I'm getting a lot in exchange for it. Like devotion, fidelity, taking care of me in some way, being very complimentary, etc.... Sex is something I do for the man,
Then again, the existence of sex work in the forms we know it strongly suggests heterosexual sex is essentially always a service done by the woman to the man, even when she enjoys it as much as he does, or even more. Market forces are still on her side to demand more in return, whether explicitly or in the roundabout, signalling-gamey ways so many people communicate.
> What's the point, then? I genuinely think sex is for men and our bodies aren't built to enjoy it. Theirs are.
Trying? Besides the pleasure itself and the health benefits, maybe frequent orgasms can help you understand men a bit better? I mean, in case you are in any danger of forgetting how naturally pleasurable you are, and how anything involving physical contact with you is like tasting some delicious candy, only better.
I know you can’t say this these days without being accused of not respecting women as people, and so on, but I think one thing has precisely zero to do with the other.