In the beginning was the world, and the world was made of atoms, and the world was atoms. Truth Existed, as something objective and elusive, to which I could be closer or farther. With my first (good) acid trip, I was blown apart by beauty and purpose, and saw how much of a participant I was in my experience. Colors were brighter. The atoms of the world became sacred art. The seal had been broken – where before I had been a scientist puzzling things on paper, now I was part of the puzzle, and it felt like waking up.
“The understanding was the rejection. I’d been swirling around it like a galaxy in my search this entire time, and the moment I finally laid eyes upon the white hot core, I fell into and through its event horizon. I was reversed, I was undone. I was completely, finally, mercifully, finished.”
I feel like I’ve been looking for this type of writing my entire life. Just bravo, man.
Really cool post. I have had the same experience, having trouble choosing between "consciousness of arbitrary nature of self, devotion to God/Love/formless wonder/ignorance/truth/whatever you want to call it" vs. "being pragmatic and fitting the role provided to me by evolution, since it probably will make my neurochemicals happy and comfortable, and maybe I need to be grounded in my ego to be a responsible and compassionate person." Hard choice, if we really have a choice at all. I live now in the former devotional state, trying to join pragmatism and responsibility/rationality with devotion to God/Love. I do not see why they would be mutually exclusive, especially since we have inspirational figures like Jesus, Gandhi, Harriet Tubman, etc. as examples of some of the most devotional, yet responsible and influential people. If the Void wants nothing, there is no resistance to self-sacrifice in the service of all of life.
I like your conclusion in favor of humility and ignorance. Follows Socrates (one thing I've realized is that all of my epiphanies have happened to others for thousands of years). However, I still agree that imparting knowledge has a role, even if it is piece-meal and tangential. You seem to feel the same on a deep level, since you thought it worthwhile to compose this piece. ✌️
I found something similar to the void, through my own meditation. There is still more for me to find, maybe when I figure out how to get lsd, broke man in a third world country. Maybe when I reach better understanding, but probably never... it is the void after all. I'm not ready to die, not fully anyway.
And I fell in love with the void. There is beauty in nothingness, no pressure of expectation, no disappointment, just the bliss of existence. But I had to leave.
I have desires, desires stronger than my need to void. Like a desire to love, and be loved. But while I loved deeper when one with the void, I could not live those I loved in the way they wanted to be loved. And they would never love me in the way I wanted to be loved, nothingness and all. So I had to look away, to forget, so I could look at them, and maybe they would see me too.
And, even if I know it's impossible, I find myself looking for that divinity, that knowing, in the people around me. And when it's just me and the void, alone at night where I don't have to look away, I dream of experiencing the void with those who would love it as much as I do.
Thank you for your post, your writing is beautiful, and inspiring.
Thank you for a new lexicon of words and ideas through which I can express this abstractness.
This was really fun to read. "Agency" is something I have felt philosophically confused by for a while. In the above you talk about the sense of 'agency' coming and going, in what sounds like a way that's basically independent of your actions. For me though high and low agency days are viscerally clear - some days I'm tired/sick/hung over/stressed and my time preference is sky high, making myself do anything not immediately rewarding feels impossible. Other days I'm well slept, it's the opposite, I diligently execute things, feel optimistic about fulfilling my plans. Maybe philosophical and psychological/emotional agency are talking about different things?
Wow, I feel so identified with this. What an amazing read. I have yet to meet a single person in real life who has gone through these experiences. It seems that you went a bit further than I did, but I resonate with it all intensely.
For me, it was similar, taking place over 2 years and approximately 20 trips. When I was going through the most intense annealing, it was the most terrifying time of my life. I looked into my father's eyes and could only see myself. I was the only being in existence. Everyone was (probably still is) just a copy of my spirit in another time pocket. I was filled with love and fear, fluctuating between believing I was enlightened and developing some type of psychosis. I didn't cope with the pain as well as you, but I felt a lot of bliss too. I reminded myself daily that I am already dead. I realized that this mindset became dysfunctional if I wanted to continue living in this world and find a sense of meaning. I grew terrified of having crossed the point of no return, fueling my existential angst, especially in regards to the suffering that existence entails.
I stopped using drugs, and over the past two years, I have integrated these experiences into my character. I feel really good about my position in life now. I cry quite easily, but it is always very pleasant— a release of love. The void is still inside me, with varying levels of awareness depending on the day, but we have become good friends now.
Truth is null, and all I was seeking was the strength to cling to desire.
You Will Forget, You Have Forgotten
“The understanding was the rejection. I’d been swirling around it like a galaxy in my search this entire time, and the moment I finally laid eyes upon the white hot core, I fell into and through its event horizon. I was reversed, I was undone. I was completely, finally, mercifully, finished.”
I feel like I’ve been looking for this type of writing my entire life. Just bravo, man.
Can you write more about controlling your perception of time? I'm kind of obsessed.
This was a really fun read... and I don't think I'll ever be brave enough to trip.
Really cool post. I have had the same experience, having trouble choosing between "consciousness of arbitrary nature of self, devotion to God/Love/formless wonder/ignorance/truth/whatever you want to call it" vs. "being pragmatic and fitting the role provided to me by evolution, since it probably will make my neurochemicals happy and comfortable, and maybe I need to be grounded in my ego to be a responsible and compassionate person." Hard choice, if we really have a choice at all. I live now in the former devotional state, trying to join pragmatism and responsibility/rationality with devotion to God/Love. I do not see why they would be mutually exclusive, especially since we have inspirational figures like Jesus, Gandhi, Harriet Tubman, etc. as examples of some of the most devotional, yet responsible and influential people. If the Void wants nothing, there is no resistance to self-sacrifice in the service of all of life.
I like your conclusion in favor of humility and ignorance. Follows Socrates (one thing I've realized is that all of my epiphanies have happened to others for thousands of years). However, I still agree that imparting knowledge has a role, even if it is piece-meal and tangential. You seem to feel the same on a deep level, since you thought it worthwhile to compose this piece. ✌️
I found something similar to the void, through my own meditation. There is still more for me to find, maybe when I figure out how to get lsd, broke man in a third world country. Maybe when I reach better understanding, but probably never... it is the void after all. I'm not ready to die, not fully anyway.
And I fell in love with the void. There is beauty in nothingness, no pressure of expectation, no disappointment, just the bliss of existence. But I had to leave.
I have desires, desires stronger than my need to void. Like a desire to love, and be loved. But while I loved deeper when one with the void, I could not live those I loved in the way they wanted to be loved. And they would never love me in the way I wanted to be loved, nothingness and all. So I had to look away, to forget, so I could look at them, and maybe they would see me too.
And, even if I know it's impossible, I find myself looking for that divinity, that knowing, in the people around me. And when it's just me and the void, alone at night where I don't have to look away, I dream of experiencing the void with those who would love it as much as I do.
Thank you for your post, your writing is beautiful, and inspiring.
Thank you for a new lexicon of words and ideas through which I can express this abstractness.
And for showing and sharing your knowing.
This was really fun to read. "Agency" is something I have felt philosophically confused by for a while. In the above you talk about the sense of 'agency' coming and going, in what sounds like a way that's basically independent of your actions. For me though high and low agency days are viscerally clear - some days I'm tired/sick/hung over/stressed and my time preference is sky high, making myself do anything not immediately rewarding feels impossible. Other days I'm well slept, it's the opposite, I diligently execute things, feel optimistic about fulfilling my plans. Maybe philosophical and psychological/emotional agency are talking about different things?
Wow, I feel so identified with this. What an amazing read. I have yet to meet a single person in real life who has gone through these experiences. It seems that you went a bit further than I did, but I resonate with it all intensely.
For me, it was similar, taking place over 2 years and approximately 20 trips. When I was going through the most intense annealing, it was the most terrifying time of my life. I looked into my father's eyes and could only see myself. I was the only being in existence. Everyone was (probably still is) just a copy of my spirit in another time pocket. I was filled with love and fear, fluctuating between believing I was enlightened and developing some type of psychosis. I didn't cope with the pain as well as you, but I felt a lot of bliss too. I reminded myself daily that I am already dead. I realized that this mindset became dysfunctional if I wanted to continue living in this world and find a sense of meaning. I grew terrified of having crossed the point of no return, fueling my existential angst, especially in regards to the suffering that existence entails.
I stopped using drugs, and over the past two years, I have integrated these experiences into my character. I feel really good about my position in life now. I cry quite easily, but it is always very pleasant— a release of love. The void is still inside me, with varying levels of awareness depending on the day, but we have become good friends now.
Truth is null, and all I was seeking was the strength to cling to desire.
Thank you very much for this, this, this "I don't know what." Wonderful, really.
And good luck on the forthcoming future legs of the journey!
Man, this post is awesome! It really resonated with me, thanks!