I found something similar to the void, through my own meditation. There is still more for me to find, maybe when I figure out how to get lsd, broke man in a third world country. Maybe when I reach better understanding, but probably never... it is the void after all. I'm not ready to die, not fully anyway.
And I fell in love with the void. There is beauty in nothingness, no pressure of expectation, no disappointment, just the bliss of existence. But I had to leave.
I have desires, desires stronger than my need to void. Like a desire to love, and be loved. But while I loved deeper when one with the void, I could not live those I loved in the way they wanted to be loved. And they would never love me in the way I wanted to be loved, nothingness and all. So I had to look away, to forget, so I could look at them, and maybe they would see me too.
And, even if I know it's impossible, I find myself looking for that divinity, that knowing, in the people around me. And when it's just me and the void, alone at night where I don't have to look away, I dream of experiencing the void with those who would love it as much as I do.
Thank you for your post, your writing is beautiful, and inspiring.
Thank you for a new lexicon of words and ideas through which I can express this abstractness.
“The understanding was the rejection. I’d been swirling around it like a galaxy in my search this entire time, and the moment I finally laid eyes upon the white hot core, I fell into and through its event horizon. I was reversed, I was undone. I was completely, finally, mercifully, finished.”
I feel like I’ve been looking for this type of writing my entire life. Just bravo, man.
Really cool post. I have had the same experience, having trouble choosing between "consciousness of arbitrary nature of self, devotion to God/Love/formless wonder/ignorance/truth/whatever you want to call it" vs. "being pragmatic and fitting the role provided to me by evolution, since it probably will make my neurochemicals happy and comfortable, and maybe I need to be grounded in my ego to be a responsible and compassionate person." Hard choice, if we really have a choice at all. I live now in the former devotional state, trying to join pragmatism and responsibility/rationality with devotion to God/Love. I do not see why they would be mutually exclusive, especially since we have inspirational figures like Jesus, Gandhi, Harriet Tubman, etc. as examples of some of the most devotional, yet responsible and influential people. If the Void wants nothing, there is no resistance to self-sacrifice in the service of all of life.
I like your conclusion in favor of humility and ignorance. Follows Socrates (one thing I've realized is that all of my epiphanies have happened to others for thousands of years). However, I still agree that imparting knowledge has a role, even if it is piece-meal and tangential. You seem to feel the same on a deep level, since you thought it worthwhile to compose this piece. ✌️
I am also learning to divorce devotion and seeking from belief. Maybe looking back, you might see shades of belief in your thoughts about 'knowledge is death', etc. Although these are more abstract than unscientific beliefs that are easy to reject, I have seen beliefs like this in myself and try to let them go. It seems that the best things in life are to be found in truth, Reality; not in belief. But maybe this in itself is a belief 😮💨. So this road is not simple, but it is gratifying
I got to a place like this with intense meditation after a traumatic recent event and it's been weird and kind of terrifying and it really helped to read your account. I think I'm in a place where I maybe need to look away.
I came across this via none other than your birthday gangbang tweet, which a friend shared in a group chat. I'm so glad I did, because holy fuck, what an incredible piece. I relate so much to a lot of what you say, and at the same time, I feel transformed having read through the whole thing.
I don't have all the words right now, but thank you so much for writing this and putting it out there; I'm so glad I came across it. It became a mirror, induced divinity in me.
Aella is the first person who has expressed an expansive layered view of morality and truth that I have experienced and never found in anyone else. So well and intelligently expressed. I’m as caught up in the missing material as in the exquisite details.
I just read this and it sounds like quite a journey. Journeys are what make life interesting and keep us growing- either external or internal journeys like yours.
We always have to remember, internal journeys are exactly like that and have zero relationship to the external world or reality at that moment. We are of course all products of our surroundings and are shaped by the world around us, but an internal journey does tell us nothing about a greater truth about the world. It tells us about ourselves.
The idea we will discover some deeper meaning about the shape of reality is a trap. It comes from (in your case) the drug induced dissociation of our mind. You could reach a similar state through other means.
Long story short-these journeys are incredibly powerful in rewiring our thoughts and established pathways and offer ways out of previous trauma or even mental
Illness.
But I would say its not a good idea to explore this by yourself. It can lead you down a rabbit hole you might not be able to crawl out again. And the changes in sensory perception changes can be outright dangerous and cause serious self harm.
I like your point at the end when you come full circle and re-evaluate your position.
Having gone through that doesn’t teach anyone anything except they shouldn’t do the same thing without help and supervision.
I've only taken acid a few times. (PCP 2 or 3 time and I don't recommend it). This read was a gentle surfing of some of my "realizations". Thanks for posting it.
You don't need acid for this... you can get a similar path from Zen etc. ...or the likes of Robert Anton Wilson. Word is, go to the monastery, but at some point, leave the monastery. Point is exactly this: to become ordinary. But what do I know.
I had that same experience, thoughts, acted and responded to them in an eerily similar way, the intensity, going on for months and years, just sprung out of my own mind, no substances.
Only read this now, although I’ve been following you for years. It really resonates with my experience! I’m working on a series of posts trying to explain why for me the various arguments for and against psychedelics tend to miss the point and this essay is a very welcome resource!
This was really fun to read. "Agency" is something I have felt philosophically confused by for a while. In the above you talk about the sense of 'agency' coming and going, in what sounds like a way that's basically independent of your actions. For me though high and low agency days are viscerally clear - some days I'm tired/sick/hung over/stressed and my time preference is sky high, making myself do anything not immediately rewarding feels impossible. Other days I'm well slept, it's the opposite, I diligently execute things, feel optimistic about fulfilling my plans. Maybe philosophical and psychological/emotional agency are talking about different things?
Wow, I feel so identified with this. What an amazing read. I have yet to meet a single person in real life who has gone through these experiences. It seems that you went a bit further than I did, but I resonate with it all intensely.
For me, it was similar, taking place over 2 years and approximately 20 trips. When I was going through the most intense annealing, it was the most terrifying time of my life. I looked into my father's eyes and could only see myself. I was the only being in existence. Everyone was (probably still is) just a copy of my spirit in another time pocket. I was filled with love and fear, fluctuating between believing I was enlightened and developing some type of psychosis. I didn't cope with the pain as well as you, but I felt a lot of bliss too. I reminded myself daily that I am already dead. I realized that this mindset became dysfunctional if I wanted to continue living in this world and find a sense of meaning. I grew terrified of having crossed the point of no return, fueling my existential angst, especially in regards to the suffering that existence entails.
I stopped using drugs, and over the past two years, I have integrated these experiences into my character. I feel really good about my position in life now. I cry quite easily, but it is always very pleasant— a release of love. The void is still inside me, with varying levels of awareness depending on the day, but we have become good friends now.
Truth is null, and all I was seeking was the strength to cling to desire.
I found something similar to the void, through my own meditation. There is still more for me to find, maybe when I figure out how to get lsd, broke man in a third world country. Maybe when I reach better understanding, but probably never... it is the void after all. I'm not ready to die, not fully anyway.
And I fell in love with the void. There is beauty in nothingness, no pressure of expectation, no disappointment, just the bliss of existence. But I had to leave.
I have desires, desires stronger than my need to void. Like a desire to love, and be loved. But while I loved deeper when one with the void, I could not live those I loved in the way they wanted to be loved. And they would never love me in the way I wanted to be loved, nothingness and all. So I had to look away, to forget, so I could look at them, and maybe they would see me too.
And, even if I know it's impossible, I find myself looking for that divinity, that knowing, in the people around me. And when it's just me and the void, alone at night where I don't have to look away, I dream of experiencing the void with those who would love it as much as I do.
Thank you for your post, your writing is beautiful, and inspiring.
Thank you for a new lexicon of words and ideas through which I can express this abstractness.
And for showing and sharing your knowing.
Everything is the Other
“The understanding was the rejection. I’d been swirling around it like a galaxy in my search this entire time, and the moment I finally laid eyes upon the white hot core, I fell into and through its event horizon. I was reversed, I was undone. I was completely, finally, mercifully, finished.”
I feel like I’ve been looking for this type of writing my entire life. Just bravo, man.
Can you write more about controlling your perception of time? I'm kind of obsessed.
This was a really fun read... and I don't think I'll ever be brave enough to trip.
Really cool post. I have had the same experience, having trouble choosing between "consciousness of arbitrary nature of self, devotion to God/Love/formless wonder/ignorance/truth/whatever you want to call it" vs. "being pragmatic and fitting the role provided to me by evolution, since it probably will make my neurochemicals happy and comfortable, and maybe I need to be grounded in my ego to be a responsible and compassionate person." Hard choice, if we really have a choice at all. I live now in the former devotional state, trying to join pragmatism and responsibility/rationality with devotion to God/Love. I do not see why they would be mutually exclusive, especially since we have inspirational figures like Jesus, Gandhi, Harriet Tubman, etc. as examples of some of the most devotional, yet responsible and influential people. If the Void wants nothing, there is no resistance to self-sacrifice in the service of all of life.
I like your conclusion in favor of humility and ignorance. Follows Socrates (one thing I've realized is that all of my epiphanies have happened to others for thousands of years). However, I still agree that imparting knowledge has a role, even if it is piece-meal and tangential. You seem to feel the same on a deep level, since you thought it worthwhile to compose this piece. ✌️
I am also learning to divorce devotion and seeking from belief. Maybe looking back, you might see shades of belief in your thoughts about 'knowledge is death', etc. Although these are more abstract than unscientific beliefs that are easy to reject, I have seen beliefs like this in myself and try to let them go. It seems that the best things in life are to be found in truth, Reality; not in belief. But maybe this in itself is a belief 😮💨. So this road is not simple, but it is gratifying
I got to a place like this with intense meditation after a traumatic recent event and it's been weird and kind of terrifying and it really helped to read your account. I think I'm in a place where I maybe need to look away.
With all my tripping in 9 years I still love it and its shown me a lot of what you describe
I came across this via none other than your birthday gangbang tweet, which a friend shared in a group chat. I'm so glad I did, because holy fuck, what an incredible piece. I relate so much to a lot of what you say, and at the same time, I feel transformed having read through the whole thing.
I don't have all the words right now, but thank you so much for writing this and putting it out there; I'm so glad I came across it. It became a mirror, induced divinity in me.
Thanks for this. Hope all is well. Your words are so familiar and I'm never sure if my own feelings are indicat
ive of actual truth or merely dissociation. Be well.
Aella is the first person who has expressed an expansive layered view of morality and truth that I have experienced and never found in anyone else. So well and intelligently expressed. I’m as caught up in the missing material as in the exquisite details.
I just read this and it sounds like quite a journey. Journeys are what make life interesting and keep us growing- either external or internal journeys like yours.
We always have to remember, internal journeys are exactly like that and have zero relationship to the external world or reality at that moment. We are of course all products of our surroundings and are shaped by the world around us, but an internal journey does tell us nothing about a greater truth about the world. It tells us about ourselves.
The idea we will discover some deeper meaning about the shape of reality is a trap. It comes from (in your case) the drug induced dissociation of our mind. You could reach a similar state through other means.
Long story short-these journeys are incredibly powerful in rewiring our thoughts and established pathways and offer ways out of previous trauma or even mental
Illness.
But I would say its not a good idea to explore this by yourself. It can lead you down a rabbit hole you might not be able to crawl out again. And the changes in sensory perception changes can be outright dangerous and cause serious self harm.
I like your point at the end when you come full circle and re-evaluate your position.
Having gone through that doesn’t teach anyone anything except they shouldn’t do the same thing without help and supervision.
I've only taken acid a few times. (PCP 2 or 3 time and I don't recommend it). This read was a gentle surfing of some of my "realizations". Thanks for posting it.
Signed;
Still a Student.
You don't need acid for this... you can get a similar path from Zen etc. ...or the likes of Robert Anton Wilson. Word is, go to the monastery, but at some point, leave the monastery. Point is exactly this: to become ordinary. But what do I know.
I had that same experience, thoughts, acted and responded to them in an eerily similar way, the intensity, going on for months and years, just sprung out of my own mind, no substances.
Only read this now, although I’ve been following you for years. It really resonates with my experience! I’m working on a series of posts trying to explain why for me the various arguments for and against psychedelics tend to miss the point and this essay is a very welcome resource!
This was really fun to read. "Agency" is something I have felt philosophically confused by for a while. In the above you talk about the sense of 'agency' coming and going, in what sounds like a way that's basically independent of your actions. For me though high and low agency days are viscerally clear - some days I'm tired/sick/hung over/stressed and my time preference is sky high, making myself do anything not immediately rewarding feels impossible. Other days I'm well slept, it's the opposite, I diligently execute things, feel optimistic about fulfilling my plans. Maybe philosophical and psychological/emotional agency are talking about different things?
Wow, I feel so identified with this. What an amazing read. I have yet to meet a single person in real life who has gone through these experiences. It seems that you went a bit further than I did, but I resonate with it all intensely.
For me, it was similar, taking place over 2 years and approximately 20 trips. When I was going through the most intense annealing, it was the most terrifying time of my life. I looked into my father's eyes and could only see myself. I was the only being in existence. Everyone was (probably still is) just a copy of my spirit in another time pocket. I was filled with love and fear, fluctuating between believing I was enlightened and developing some type of psychosis. I didn't cope with the pain as well as you, but I felt a lot of bliss too. I reminded myself daily that I am already dead. I realized that this mindset became dysfunctional if I wanted to continue living in this world and find a sense of meaning. I grew terrified of having crossed the point of no return, fueling my existential angst, especially in regards to the suffering that existence entails.
I stopped using drugs, and over the past two years, I have integrated these experiences into my character. I feel really good about my position in life now. I cry quite easily, but it is always very pleasant— a release of love. The void is still inside me, with varying levels of awareness depending on the day, but we have become good friends now.
Truth is null, and all I was seeking was the strength to cling to desire.