Slut Interview: The Adventurous Writer

a transcript from an interview about what makes men good at sex

This is the first of what will hopefully be a series of interviews with introspective, slutty women, designed to be a compliment to the Good At Sex series.

My friend Romy is conducting this one; Romy is one of the most unusually sexually promiscuous, resilient, and insightful women I’ve met, and is also serving as one of the fluffers at my upcoming gangbang, so if you’re there say hi! Prepare to see more of her on this blog.

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Romy:

Here, I interview S, a cute, adventurous, blonde writer in her early 30s. We met on a ski trip and ended up swapping stories of our sexual exploits for hours, in a hot tub. We recorded the interview the following morning, and talked about the importance of connection for good sex, the mistaken assumptions men make about sex, and the ways S agrees and disagrees with Aella's theories.

S’s slut status: semi-slutty. Lifetime bodycount in the high 20s.

The following interview has been lightly edited and condensed for clarity

Romy: What do you wish men did more of, less of?

I don’t have an immediate answer. It's not that obvious to me that there's something missing. Different people offer different things and it’s more like I'm down to have what's on the menu.

There's no easy answer like, "Oh, I wish men went down on me more or something." It’s more like some people do more and some people do less and I don't begrudge the people who do less of it or who do other things.

Although I certainly am not down for a situation where I don't feel considered, where I feel like, “oh, it's only about their pleasure." But I also don't really end up having sex with people like that.

You wouldn't make it to that point.

Yeah, they get filtered out. If they seem like that then I'm not attracted to them.

Mostly now, the people that I have sex with now are people that I relate to in a deep personal way. Everyone is different, but ultimately I think it boils down to something like presence.

It's so interesting, when you opened this, you were talking about how the dynamics and what's on offer are super different with every partner, and that's completely fine with you and maybe even welcome. It's just that regardless of what's on the table, there has to be this sort of foundation of presence.

Yes.

And after that, like, who cares what's on the table? Let's do it.

Oh, thank you for articulating that so clearly! That was so helpful.

What is your definition of good sex?

Well, I mean, it's really hard for me to have just recently read Aella’s definition of good sex and not glom onto it. I do think it articulates something true. And I wish I thought about it before I knew Aella’s answer.

But here, [good sex] means something like 'losing yourself in the experience'. When I look back on sexual experiences I consider great, they all have the commonality of me sort of becoming the sex, if that makes sense? Like I'm no longer Aella's brain, doing thinky things, I am Aella's body, doing orgasmy things. I've lost the plot, I don't remember what the plot was, I'm just sexcreature emitting a constant stream of noises.
- Good At Sex Pt 1

I feel the same way. I keep re-deriving it with my own thinking, and then I wonder am I just primed?

Exactly.

But I don't think so because I've been obsessively thinking about this and in the end I always get to this idea that during good sex my brain is crammed into this little sex space. And Aella’s saying it in slightly different words, but it's the same concept.

Yes.

So maybe she's just fucking right.

Maybe she's just fucking right!

It felt like that when I read it, I was like, “oh, yes, I've had this thought, but it was not fully formed and now it's presented to me, but I recognize it as my own thought as well, you know.” Which I wish was a more interesting answer for this interview, but that's part of it.

But then another part of it, and this is not in all good sex overall, but it’s there in some of the best sex that I've had is, also a deep, deep, deep feeling of connection with somebody.

Do you feel like sex with that sense of connection is also kind of about existing in this altered brain space?

The altered brain space, yes, yes. I mean, it's certainly not any thinking mind kind of connection, right? There’s no rationality to it. It is just a cool experience of feeling…more than yourself.

Like merging.

What are the physical dynamics happening during that? For example is there eye contact, is it slow, is it fast?

It's a synchronicity.

It's like, we both want to change positions at the same time and have an intuition for what we're changing into. Or like, an intuition that we're going to go from very kinky to very tender or back and forth. Feeling what the moment calls for and this presence and awareness of that.

And feeling that synchronicity, that dancing together without having to articulate it verbally, it's pretty sublime. And then also the pleasure element of it really elevates everything into this space of being taken over by sensation. You feel like…out of yourself, which is very funny because you’re also very, very much in your own body.

But maybe out of your brain?

Out of your brain. And if you really fucking love this person as well, then there’s just this feeling from really fucking loving this person, and expressing it and being in that space with it. And nothing else matters, everything else disappears. It's kind of like a meditative state.

So I imagine a prerequisite for it is a deep sense of connection with another person. You're probably not going to get this on a one-night stand?

You could! I think it absolutely could happen on a one-night stand.

I have had experiences in my life where I meet somebody and they’re not even somebody I have to really connect with, right? They could be anybody, like somebody at the store, and I just feel for some particular reason, some mood-based thing that day, something that they do like, “oh my god, I really fucking love this person.”

And sex really gets you there.

It’s interesting because the whole dom sub thing that Aella’s articulating resonated with me as well. But in this space, which is not the requisite for good sex, but in the best sex there's no feeling of dom sub play. We’re both outside of ourselves and being moved by something else.

There's not a power dynamic the same way.

No. Because the thing that has power over us is neither of us.

Play is fun, and that play can add to the pleasure. And that's definitely present in good sex. But with the best sex it disappears.

How do you know when sex is good?

When I’m enjoying it! I mean, I guess maybe the definition of good sex in a very simplistic way is like, the sex I enjoy versus the sex I don't enjoy.

It’s an interesting question because sometimes something's not physically pleasurable, and if something is bad for too long, it's just bad. But even if something is painful or uncomfortable, there's enjoying it uncomfortable and then not enjoying it uncomfortable.

And is the difference between enjoying it or not about the duration, or is it the type of discomfort?

I think it is a lot about your mindset about whether you're primed to enjoy this or not.

Oh, that's so true. When you're turned on, your tolerance for discomfort is different.

Oh, absolutely. It’s whether or not you want to give this to this person. So even if I'm not enjoying it, but I really want to give it to this person, then I am enjoying it. But if I don't want to give it to this person, I'm not enjoying it.

And it's usually not some huge divide, right? It's like a slight discomfort.

There's something that's a big turn on about pleasing somebody else for sure. Of being the source of their pleasure.

So when you know you're enjoying it, is that more physical or psychological, or both? What has to be there for you to be able to look back and be like, “I enjoyed that.”

I mean, it has to be both. I don't think I could psychologically trick myself in any way to be like, “oh, this bad sex was good.”

For me I guess there's kind of this feedback between the two.

Definitely.

Like if I'm not turned on the exact same acts won't feel like the same. If I get fingered and I'm really not turned on, it’s like I don't really feel like anything.

No, it feels just kind of annoying and weird.

Yeah, right? Versus when I'm turned on, it’s like, I'm gonna die this is so good. It can be the exact same movement though.

Exactly.

I have to be attracted to him and be wanting this to happen. And not even just wanting this to happen, like hungry for it.

We talked about the foundation of presence before, and here you’re also identifying this foundation of arousal and desire.

Oh, absolutely. I know it was good when I was really, really aroused. When there was a lot of desire.

So for you is there something psychological that's really at the heart of that and then the physicality follows?

It could be that the physicality comes first.

Ah like when they touch you just right, that can get you in the headspace where like “I'm so fucking horny, and I desire you so much, I need sex and you're the one who's here.”

And you're teasing me with it, you know, you’re turning me on.

So teasing and foreplay are really good here because they get you to the point where you’re like, “I need this, give it to me”

Yeah. And the teasing in foreplay can be physical, but it can also start way before.

What does that look like?

Like flirting. I think good flirting is good foreplay.

Do you think that carries over into sex? If you have sex the way you flirt, do you think that's good sex?

It has to evolve from there, but the foundation of it, yes.

What do you think flirting is?

Well, at the heart of it, it has to be playful.

You're kind of playing with the person, but you're also playing with this very vulnerable, fundamental thing about a person, about who they are and what their worth is, like whether they're worthy.

Is there an inherent kind of status or power play happening in flirting?

Yeah. And it's so interesting because it's this very central thing of like, “who am I and am I worthy?” But then you're taking that heavy shit and making it the most fun silly thing and there's so much pleasure in that.

That's where the thrill lies, I guess. There's something vulnerable in it because the flirting could turn to rejection or fall apart in some way.

Right. But you have to also hold it very lightly where the rejection doesn't, you know, stay.

Yeah, so by probing at this vulnerability, I can see how that's foreplay. Because no matter what you do, sex itself is inherently vulnerable.

Yeah, I would agree. Or certainly if it isn't, it's not very good. I think you can have bad sex with no vulnerability.

I think as you remove the presence…like not all sex like reaches this pinnacle of synchronicity and merging, but if there's none of it, if there's no connection, if you remove the connection and presence, it’s bad.

Right, because to go to go into sex brain space, to go into connected space, that is vulnerable. It’s fundamentally impossible without some vulnerability.

Yeah. Not, to have sex, but good sex, yeah. Because if you're having totally non-vulnerable, non-connected sex you're just in your head and it’s just mechanical.

Maybe it's still better than nothing? Depends on how horny you are I guess.

No, I would choose a sex toy over that.

What is the worst sex you've ever had?

I think there's this thing that's happening where I probably don't really remember it because it was so bad. I don't have something that was so bad. Like, I've never been raped, so I could imagine that that would be the worst sex I could ever have.

But have you ever had really awkward sex?

Yeah, definitely.

Yeah so what’s present in the archetypal version of this? Like maybe you don’t remember the exact scenario, but you've had enough that you can look at an amalgamation of the worst sex.

Okay right. Not turned on, and there’s some sort of obligatory component to it. And I also have to pretend to be turned on and pretend to be flattering.

What would the context be around this?

You and your partner are not having a good time. You're having a rough time, and you know that you could make the situation better by responding to these advances, and you want to make the situation better.

You want to want it, but you don't want it.

You want to want it, but you don't want it. And maybe it could just be over fast, and then it wouldn't have to be a rebuff. It’s like I want to give this to you even though I don't want it.

You can make it bearable. You can use lube, and obviously this is a person that you still care about because you’re doing this for a reason, but it never becomes good enough to be even average neutral sex. It's just bad.

So the experience is that you're not turned on, so you’re not getting any positive body sensations, it’s just kind of that annoying feeling.

Yeah exactly. It's kind of just annoying.

And there’s that disconnect where the other person is enjoying it and you’re not so there’s this sense of asynchronicity.

Yes. And I don't even know how much, but I think they're enjoying it, because sometimes you just want to use a body.

And the thing is, I don't even mind. And I don't even mind if somebody else is doing this for me. I mean, obviously I hope this is a rare occurrence. But I'm not fundamentally upset by this idea that my partner would not want to actually have sex, but have sex with me because I wanted.

What do men most misunderstand about you?

How much my desire for something changes.

Ah okay, like “just because I liked it last time doesn't mean that's what I want this time.”

Yes. I mean, there can obviously be tons of base assumptions. It’s not like, “oh, every time I'm a completely new person.” But yeah, just because I like something one time doesn't mean I like it again. And I can go through different phases of liking things.

I think it's like food, right? You can generally know somebody’s food preferences, but their tastes can also change. You can be in a mood to try something new or not in a mood to try something new, or something that always pleases them feels boring right now.

How would a guy be able to tell that what you liked last time isn’t want you want this time?

I mean, I don't think it's fair to expect them to just know. And you really kind of have to take responsibility for vocalizing it. But on the other hand, sometimes it's really fucking nice when somebody just knows.

And how do they just know? I don't know how they just know. Some intuitions, some knowing each other.

Would you rather that it be articulated, like that they directly ask, or would you rather they try to figure it out through foreplay or other ways of sensing your headspace?

I think it's a hierarchy. I think the best is just sensing your headspace, and they just know. And then under that, I would rather they ask than not ask.

Is it possible for men to have perfect technique and still fail?

Yeah, 100%. If all the psychological components are not there, technique doesn't really matter at all.

Or I mean, okay, what is perfect technique? Because we talked about the circularity of it. Like, if he has perfect technique, then you imagine that it would trigger the connection and that would be good sex.

I mean, I've fucked guys with perfect technique where it was boring.

Yeah, so maybe I don't know what constitutes perfect technique.

Well for example, imagine he's really good at oral and he always just understands which positions feel good, and so all the right sensations are there.

Yeah.

But one guy I’m thinking of who’s the best example of this was this guy with a dick literally the size of my forearm. And his body count has to be like 200, and he knows all the moves, right? But he was dead silent during sex.

Wow. But is that perfect technique? If he's dead silent, that feels like a knock on his technique. I guess I'm picturing dead silence as like, there's not even any grunting or moaning.

Yeah he wasn’t even grunting, and his eyes were closed for a lot of it. I could tell he was sort of sensing my physical responses, so he was kind of physically there. But without a psychological narrative it left my brain free to roam, and I don’t want my brain roaming during sex.

That is so weird.

I've never been in that situation, I think. When I think about grunting and moaning, I don't think of it as technique. I don't think of it as him creating any kind of narrative, I just think of it as being responsive. Responsive and present, like a human being.

I think it's about vulnerability. He’s really withholding some kind of vulnerability by not emoting, expressing anything.

Oh that’s so true. Okay, we're back to the importance of vulnerability and presence.

What are the ways men tend to miss what you're into because they've been trained on other girls?

So many to count, like too many to count.

Like how hard you'd like to be fingered, whether you like clitoral stimulation or fingers inside you more, or what positions you like or don't like and the minor variation in that, or nipple play. Just like literally anything that happens in sex feels like people have some preference for it.

But it's also not that hard, right? That makes it sound like, “oh, you have to learn everything from scratch.”

Yeah every girl's got a clit, right? It’s more just like, what do you do with this clit?

Yeah, exactly! Like, like how do you take your coffee?

Right? She's already said she likes coffee, and she's in your bed naked.

And it's not hard. You can't really go that far wrong unless you're really trying to screw up, right? Like, maybe you can be like a little bit too hard or a little too this, but you can course correct for all of these little things.

So that's part of the being present.

Penis size and endurance--how much do these matter during sex?

I actually do think penis size matters.

I don’t think it matters on a granular scale, but a big penis versus a small penis, it matters. And I think that most guys are probably just fine.

Yeah like it’s an “average or bigger gets it done” kind of thing.

Exactly. But definitely too small is annoying.

I feel bad, because you wanna tell guys, “oh, size doesn't matter.” But like, it kinda does. Bigger is better up to a point. And you don't have to worry as long as you're above a certain threshold. But if you're below that, then the smaller you are, the worse it is.

Is it length or girth or both?

Both, definitely both.

How about endurance?

Endurance matters less than size, but again, I think it's a threshold thing. I think a lot of endurance up to a point is good, and you're fine as long as it's more than a certain amount.

What do you think that amount is?

It's really hard to say because sometimes you just wanna have quick sex. So it's really quite variable. But certainly if you have a pre-ejaculation problem, it's a problem.

What about a guy that lasts five minutes every single time you have sex? Is that too short?

Yeah, it is.

What do you think the ideal mean is?

I'm gonna give a wide range of like, 10 to 20 minutes. And great if he can last longer and it's more within his control. But also you don’t want it to be like, “oh, he can't cum.”

Right, ideally it's totally in his control.

Yeah.

Because there's also that thing where a guy manages to last 10 or 15 minutes, but he's barely hanging on. And every time you're like, “yeah, fuck me hard” he’s like “oh I can’t or I’ll cum.”

Yes! When that happens, I would rather he just cum.

Yeah, for sure! Because it never quite launches, right?

I don't care if this doesn't last as long, as long as we can just both be in it! Because it takes the presence away, I think.

Okay, so with endurance there's a time element, but there's also this sense of total control, which means he's not going to cum by accident and he also can also reliably cum when it's time.

Yeah. I also think I'm maybe a bit unique in the sense that I don't feel that much pressure for the guy to cum. If he doesn't cum, I don't really care. And it doesn't like, make me feel bad about myself.

So you would also much rather a guy’s like “okay, that was great, like I'm done” without cumming, then do that thing where he's like, laboring to cum.

Yeah, fuck the laboring to cum.

Yeah it ruins the head space because now you're just paying attention to that.

Absolutely, yeah. Or like, sometimes when guys stop themselves from cumming, and then they can't cum for a while after that. And if we've been going at it for a while, like say over an hour, an hour and a half, I'm just like, I'm done.

I don't need you to get back into that place where you can cum again. Or we can do that later on. We can take a break, we can eat food, chat, nap, anything, and then come back to that sexy space. And it's nice in fact, if the whole day or whole afternoon is in that space. Maybe we had sex in the morning and you didn't cum, and then you came after lunch.

What’s the longest you would ever wanna just fuck for?

Just fucking?

Just fucking. Like, there’s foreplay and then the sex starts and now you're fucking and that part’s going on for…?

With the same person, right? One person, not like you’re in an orgy or something.

It's definitely under two hours. Is it under an hour and a half? Maybe something around an hour and a half limit.

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