I'd be interested to learn more about the legal side of things here. Apparently sex work is illegal and people get arrested over it, and yet you feel safe admitting to it online, and you provide a list of other sex workers. How does that work?
A priori, I would guess few escorts actually enjoy what they do at all and probably, at best, view it as merely work. Nothing wrong with that, nearly everyone does things they don’t enjoy to make ends meet, but have you or anyone else ever actually done a good survey of what their attitudes actually are toward their work?
Why would you assume that, when what they do for work is something that virtually every other woman does for free? Which is not the case with most jobs, which no one would do for free. They probably find the job quite fun when the client is attractive, and either meh or gross when he's not.
1) Because it's something nearly every woman who isn't an escort finds revolting (that is, having sex for money), and 2) is mostly an occupation of women who are very poor, suggesting it's probably not a job of choice. Perhaps I'm wrong, but I don't get the impression many middle or upper class women escort on the side as a hobby or choose it as an alternative to going to law school the way one might become an artist or musician.
Also, I don't think you have any idea regarding higher status women, bc their incentives are so high for hiding it and lying about it that they would never publicly admit it. Aella is a total weirdo (though she still doesn't use her actual name) but most would never tell anyone. And they don't do it as an alternative to law school, that would be silly you can be a lawyer til you're 70 and an escort til you're 40 at the most. They do it supplement income on the side while in school.
But just as a thought experiment, actually think about all the things you really enjoy doing, with others in your life, bc they're pleasurable and fun. And then try to think of a single one that would suddenly revolt you if you got paid for doing it. You can't think of any bc the premise doesn't even make sense. I'm not trying to make you feel bad, I get that men think this bc women actively life about it, but it's just a case of massive projection bc neither men nor older/married women WANT normal women to be okay with being paid for sex...that's a terrifying thought for them. But given that a woman is completely torpedoing most of her prospects for future romantic relationships with men, jobs in other industries, family and social relationships, and possibly ability to not be in jail by admitting to being a prostitute, you have to assume you are not getting a true picture. Every incentive is to conceal and lie about it, just like the married men who use prostitutes.
Most women (and to some extend most men) don't just abstractly like sex, with any man. Revealed preferences (and state preferences for that matter) indicate that the vast majority of women prefer sex with carefully selected men in the context of some sort of emotional connection; even the minority of women who do enjoy regular casual sex do so with men they carefully select based usually on psychological as well as physical compatibility and expect a few hours of socializing before being comfortable with it.
IOW, there's a world of difference between enjoying sex (with a carefully selected partner that one finds attractive physically and personality-wise, and having sex with whatever guy shows up at the door that day.
Additionally, the 'getting paid' part absolutely often changes one's perception of an act. This is quote common. There are many actions (e.g., donating organs or blood, adopting a child) where doing it for money is seen as exploitative or degrading while doing it for free is fine. This may be an irrational instinct, but it is definitely instinct that many people have that making an action transactional tarnishes it.
The thing is if you go off women's physical reactions and arousal level, they in fact do very much like casual sex with an attractive stranger, in fact moreso than they do with the guy they love and have been with five years. So I just don't really buy what they say when their bodies tell a different story. I'd be willing to bet there are more women who need to use lube with their husbands of ten years plus, in order to get properly aroused sufficient for penetration, than prostitutes do with johns (assuming reasonable level of attractiveness, I'm not talking about gross smelly ugly men).
Hey Aella, you keep meticulous records, why don't you weigh in: with what percentage of clients do you become sufficiently aroused for sex that you would need to resort to shelf based lubrication?
Nobody likes sex with just anyone. Most men would pay NOT to have to have sex with an 80 year old woman. Like I said it's probably not bad and maybe even fun when the guy is attractive, and gross if he isn't.
I take your point on people being irrational about attaching payment to certain things and that somehow changing the equation of something that is otherwise seen as morally okay. I can't personally relate to that instinct at all and don't get it. But I grant you that it exists. There's no good reason for it though...if you try to drill down on people who think that way and get them to explain it, they can't and just get upset and end the conversation.
Generally agree but 40 definitely isn't the limit. You just change your target but there are plenty of men with taste for older women and while most women in sexwork are there just for a while - "supply" of older ones could be so small that their earnings skyrocket (if they know how to advertise themselves :P). Anecdotal data but when my gf worked on sexcams on local website there was just one old woman (above 60) and her tips superpased many younger counterparts.
However, nowadays hardly anyone works one job through whole life and no matter how much you love doing something you may have enough one day. Letsplayers come to my mind - it's a fun job to play games and make a show but barely anyone could do it till retirement not having enough.
Lol are you serious? There are entire large swaths of women whose entire goal in life is to have sex for money (just on a long term contract, not hourly). Sorry but no woman finds that revolting. Men do bc they can't stand the idea that their woman or daughter could be bought, so there's massive social disapproval and shaming in virtually every society and most especially those where men have more power...threatening everything from jail to death by stoning for the women who does it. But you don't usually need such strong social sanctions against something people don't want to do anyway.
Now women absolutely DO find it revolting to have sex with a man so unattractive that his only option for sex is paying. But that's not the case with most men who visit escorts...they're mostly married men who want to cheat and not risk getting caught with a messy relationship.
P.S. I've never been paid for sex, so I'm not defending my trade here. But I do not believe that any woman finds the idea of being paid for sex inherently bad or gross. Many have reasons to pretend to think that though, for the benefit of men who don't want to hear otherwise.
Sorry, but women if anything take a dimmer view of prostitution than men do (https://www.vox.com/2016/3/11/11203740/prostitution-legal-men-women-poll). This is not a cultural norm imposed on women than men. I don't know how many women you've talked to about prostitution, but I would say the vast majority find prostitution either intrinsically exploitative - in part because they can't personally relate to the idea of selling sex other than in the most desperate situation - or unsavory.
I reiterate that I'm not criticizing the morality of prostitution. But I think the idea that most women who engage in prostitution enjoy it is as naive as thinking that the reason the cashier at Starbucks smiles and enthusiastically greets you is because she's really happy to see you, and not merely because she gets paid to do it. I'm sure there are some escorts that enjoy their jobs just as there are some people that genuinely enjoy serving coffee, but I suspect they're in the minority.
I'd be curious what anonymous surveys would say, but my suspicion is most escorts, like most service employees, don't want their customers to try to make their job 'fun.' They want them to make their job easier by making it quick and uneventful.
Well that's poll says both men and women are about 50% against it. But married or really any coupled woman has a strong reason to be AGAINST it...it provides a way too easy way for their husband to cheat and never get caught, and spend family funds on other women. Why would any man be against it? Bc they're revolted morally on the idea of getting sex from women being something one can pay for rather than "earn" by being worthy of sex. And I'm not surprised lots of men don't have an issue with it precisely bc they think of those as "other women", not the women they know and care about. It's fine for those low life's but not MY daughter/wife/sister etc.
I'm not saying they ENJOY it. I agree with you it's probably best with customers that make it easy. I don't assume anyone likes any job or agree everyone smiles and laughs at their client's and boss's jokes. I just don't think it is materially less enjoyable than any other job, yet pays about 20x more. And would not be thinkable for most until they tried it and then they would see it's really not that bad.
Anyway it's pretty hard to separate out one's natural, default opinion on something one has never actually tried and that all of society is telling them is completely disgusting and only engaged in by the most pathetic low life scum out there. If you were taught your whole life that anyone who eats tomatoes is somewhere between immoral scum who should burn in hell and pathetic and to be pitied...and also illegal...and you had never in your life tried a tomato...then I wouldn't put too much stock into what your opinion on tomatoes was.
"She’s afraid that if she says she doesn’t like something you’re doing, that you’re going to be upset, or sad, or aren’t going to book her anymore.
And if this is in fact true of you, if you want to learn how to please a specific escort but will stop seeing her once she starts telling you what’s not working for her and it’s not a fun casual playground anymore, then don’t ask her to be honest with you. This is not the place to learn to up your sexual game, do not hold your money over a woman’s head and yank it away when she finally gives you honesty."
Is this meant to imply that it's rude *in general* to ask escorts to be honest about how much they're enjoying themselves? Or like, is/are there some qualifier(s) one can add to the request for honesty to make it not-rude?
If you *are* in fact interested in honesty, then I would indicate that you're interested in honesty, but don't press it. Be like "Hey I really value your pleasure, and I know figuring out how to make you feel good means I have to know when I'm doing something wrong, so I won't get upset if you tell me that something I'm doing isn't working. I'd in fact really appreciate it! I plan to see you again (or not see you again) regardless, I totally understand that having good sex with someone takes multiple times and effort"
Feels like there's lack of options in this guide for men willing to do fulfill their kinks and in the same time looking for sexworkers being into the same things as them. I'm not saying its right or wrong, just pointing this out. :P I wonder for example how many dominatrix girls are really into domination and enjoy what they do in contraty to those just acting and feeling bored inside. Some men probably would like to have mutualy enjoyable experience and simply pay just to avoid strings attached or meet multiple women without all this relationship drama.
I believe that the best way to have great sex for a lifetime is to marry virginal (at least the female) and develop a pheremone/habitual bond. But since this is unlikely in our society, it's good to know there are sex-workers with professionalism and empathy.
(Potential) first-timer here, I'm interested in hiring a provider because I want to try out some things a woman I've just begun seeing (semi long-distance) is interested in but that don't come super naturally to me. Fairly vanilla imo but she's submissive and wants to be told what to do, commanded, talked extremely dirty to with some degrading language, etc. I've always been naturally dominant in the hair-pulling, choking, pin-a-girl-down kind of way (only when she asks or clearly signals she likes it, of course) but also very silent verbally as I get a little shy and self-conscious about using my words, don't have natural confidence and ease there.
From what I gather as I start researching, you def. don't want to walk into a new escort experience asking her to get in various submissive poses or get spanked or called degrading names etc. I assume the answer here is just clear communication, but how can I signal to a high-end $1000+ escort before booking (if at all possible) that that's what I'm looking for?
What an informative and nicely written piece. I live in England, where the escort thing isn't illegal. But I do visit the States a few times a year and this was very useful as I had considered it but, until now, had taken no action. Perhaps next time I'm there. Thank you.
Based on evolutionary psychology and hypergamy, it seems like working as an escort (especially a high end one) could be a valid strategy to find high status male partners, immediately enter a sexual relationship, with some prospects of this turning into a standard long term relationships. Do escorts do this? Is there a risk that an escort to pursue a longer relationship? Again, in my evo-psych-brainwashed mind, this seems very likely.
I'm a Sensual Masseuse, so on the fringes of the industry.
My youngest client was 18 (he brought along ID!) and my oldest are in their 90s.
As for attractiveness, just remember men overestimate how attractive they are by 2 points (conversely women underestimate their own attractiveness by 2 points). However, it is an industry where looks only count for the person booking, it is hygiene, attitude and compliance to our requests/boundaries which count for us workers.
No, it's not normal to ask about imperfections. We are humans not sex dolls. If someone can't cope with the fact a worker has an appendix scar, moles or laughter lines then they have a problem with reality.
Then explain is when making your first booking inquiries, but it's still not a standard ask, and an inquiry like that is more likely to look like a fantasist askhole (a person who is going to ask many questions but never going to book)!
I have, in all of my working years never heard of a sex worker rejecting a man because he doesn't have a perfectly straight penis. Reasons for rejection are: disease/STI, poor hygiene, (and for those who have sex with their clients) too big.
I'd be interested to learn more about the legal side of things here. Apparently sex work is illegal and people get arrested over it, and yet you feel safe admitting to it online, and you provide a list of other sex workers. How does that work?
It depends on what country you are in.
Aella's in the US, as are most of the other people she listed.
A priori, I would guess few escorts actually enjoy what they do at all and probably, at best, view it as merely work. Nothing wrong with that, nearly everyone does things they don’t enjoy to make ends meet, but have you or anyone else ever actually done a good survey of what their attitudes actually are toward their work?
Why would you assume that, when what they do for work is something that virtually every other woman does for free? Which is not the case with most jobs, which no one would do for free. They probably find the job quite fun when the client is attractive, and either meh or gross when he's not.
1) Because it's something nearly every woman who isn't an escort finds revolting (that is, having sex for money), and 2) is mostly an occupation of women who are very poor, suggesting it's probably not a job of choice. Perhaps I'm wrong, but I don't get the impression many middle or upper class women escort on the side as a hobby or choose it as an alternative to going to law school the way one might become an artist or musician.
Also, I don't think you have any idea regarding higher status women, bc their incentives are so high for hiding it and lying about it that they would never publicly admit it. Aella is a total weirdo (though she still doesn't use her actual name) but most would never tell anyone. And they don't do it as an alternative to law school, that would be silly you can be a lawyer til you're 70 and an escort til you're 40 at the most. They do it supplement income on the side while in school.
But just as a thought experiment, actually think about all the things you really enjoy doing, with others in your life, bc they're pleasurable and fun. And then try to think of a single one that would suddenly revolt you if you got paid for doing it. You can't think of any bc the premise doesn't even make sense. I'm not trying to make you feel bad, I get that men think this bc women actively life about it, but it's just a case of massive projection bc neither men nor older/married women WANT normal women to be okay with being paid for sex...that's a terrifying thought for them. But given that a woman is completely torpedoing most of her prospects for future romantic relationships with men, jobs in other industries, family and social relationships, and possibly ability to not be in jail by admitting to being a prostitute, you have to assume you are not getting a true picture. Every incentive is to conceal and lie about it, just like the married men who use prostitutes.
Most women (and to some extend most men) don't just abstractly like sex, with any man. Revealed preferences (and state preferences for that matter) indicate that the vast majority of women prefer sex with carefully selected men in the context of some sort of emotional connection; even the minority of women who do enjoy regular casual sex do so with men they carefully select based usually on psychological as well as physical compatibility and expect a few hours of socializing before being comfortable with it.
IOW, there's a world of difference between enjoying sex (with a carefully selected partner that one finds attractive physically and personality-wise, and having sex with whatever guy shows up at the door that day.
Additionally, the 'getting paid' part absolutely often changes one's perception of an act. This is quote common. There are many actions (e.g., donating organs or blood, adopting a child) where doing it for money is seen as exploitative or degrading while doing it for free is fine. This may be an irrational instinct, but it is definitely instinct that many people have that making an action transactional tarnishes it.
The thing is if you go off women's physical reactions and arousal level, they in fact do very much like casual sex with an attractive stranger, in fact moreso than they do with the guy they love and have been with five years. So I just don't really buy what they say when their bodies tell a different story. I'd be willing to bet there are more women who need to use lube with their husbands of ten years plus, in order to get properly aroused sufficient for penetration, than prostitutes do with johns (assuming reasonable level of attractiveness, I'm not talking about gross smelly ugly men).
Hey Aella, you keep meticulous records, why don't you weigh in: with what percentage of clients do you become sufficiently aroused for sex that you would need to resort to shelf based lubrication?
Nobody likes sex with just anyone. Most men would pay NOT to have to have sex with an 80 year old woman. Like I said it's probably not bad and maybe even fun when the guy is attractive, and gross if he isn't.
I take your point on people being irrational about attaching payment to certain things and that somehow changing the equation of something that is otherwise seen as morally okay. I can't personally relate to that instinct at all and don't get it. But I grant you that it exists. There's no good reason for it though...if you try to drill down on people who think that way and get them to explain it, they can't and just get upset and end the conversation.
Generally agree but 40 definitely isn't the limit. You just change your target but there are plenty of men with taste for older women and while most women in sexwork are there just for a while - "supply" of older ones could be so small that their earnings skyrocket (if they know how to advertise themselves :P). Anecdotal data but when my gf worked on sexcams on local website there was just one old woman (above 60) and her tips superpased many younger counterparts.
However, nowadays hardly anyone works one job through whole life and no matter how much you love doing something you may have enough one day. Letsplayers come to my mind - it's a fun job to play games and make a show but barely anyone could do it till retirement not having enough.
Lol are you serious? There are entire large swaths of women whose entire goal in life is to have sex for money (just on a long term contract, not hourly). Sorry but no woman finds that revolting. Men do bc they can't stand the idea that their woman or daughter could be bought, so there's massive social disapproval and shaming in virtually every society and most especially those where men have more power...threatening everything from jail to death by stoning for the women who does it. But you don't usually need such strong social sanctions against something people don't want to do anyway.
Now women absolutely DO find it revolting to have sex with a man so unattractive that his only option for sex is paying. But that's not the case with most men who visit escorts...they're mostly married men who want to cheat and not risk getting caught with a messy relationship.
P.S. I've never been paid for sex, so I'm not defending my trade here. But I do not believe that any woman finds the idea of being paid for sex inherently bad or gross. Many have reasons to pretend to think that though, for the benefit of men who don't want to hear otherwise.
Sorry, but women if anything take a dimmer view of prostitution than men do (https://www.vox.com/2016/3/11/11203740/prostitution-legal-men-women-poll). This is not a cultural norm imposed on women than men. I don't know how many women you've talked to about prostitution, but I would say the vast majority find prostitution either intrinsically exploitative - in part because they can't personally relate to the idea of selling sex other than in the most desperate situation - or unsavory.
I reiterate that I'm not criticizing the morality of prostitution. But I think the idea that most women who engage in prostitution enjoy it is as naive as thinking that the reason the cashier at Starbucks smiles and enthusiastically greets you is because she's really happy to see you, and not merely because she gets paid to do it. I'm sure there are some escorts that enjoy their jobs just as there are some people that genuinely enjoy serving coffee, but I suspect they're in the minority.
I'd be curious what anonymous surveys would say, but my suspicion is most escorts, like most service employees, don't want their customers to try to make their job 'fun.' They want them to make their job easier by making it quick and uneventful.
Well that's poll says both men and women are about 50% against it. But married or really any coupled woman has a strong reason to be AGAINST it...it provides a way too easy way for their husband to cheat and never get caught, and spend family funds on other women. Why would any man be against it? Bc they're revolted morally on the idea of getting sex from women being something one can pay for rather than "earn" by being worthy of sex. And I'm not surprised lots of men don't have an issue with it precisely bc they think of those as "other women", not the women they know and care about. It's fine for those low life's but not MY daughter/wife/sister etc.
I'm not saying they ENJOY it. I agree with you it's probably best with customers that make it easy. I don't assume anyone likes any job or agree everyone smiles and laughs at their client's and boss's jokes. I just don't think it is materially less enjoyable than any other job, yet pays about 20x more. And would not be thinkable for most until they tried it and then they would see it's really not that bad.
Anyway it's pretty hard to separate out one's natural, default opinion on something one has never actually tried and that all of society is telling them is completely disgusting and only engaged in by the most pathetic low life scum out there. If you were taught your whole life that anyone who eats tomatoes is somewhere between immoral scum who should burn in hell and pathetic and to be pitied...and also illegal...and you had never in your life tried a tomato...then I wouldn't put too much stock into what your opinion on tomatoes was.
Aella, you are amazing with your data and advice. All of this is spot on and will be helpful to newbies and oldies alike. Thank you.
"She’s afraid that if she says she doesn’t like something you’re doing, that you’re going to be upset, or sad, or aren’t going to book her anymore.
And if this is in fact true of you, if you want to learn how to please a specific escort but will stop seeing her once she starts telling you what’s not working for her and it’s not a fun casual playground anymore, then don’t ask her to be honest with you. This is not the place to learn to up your sexual game, do not hold your money over a woman’s head and yank it away when she finally gives you honesty."
Is this meant to imply that it's rude *in general* to ask escorts to be honest about how much they're enjoying themselves? Or like, is/are there some qualifier(s) one can add to the request for honesty to make it not-rude?
If you *are* in fact interested in honesty, then I would indicate that you're interested in honesty, but don't press it. Be like "Hey I really value your pleasure, and I know figuring out how to make you feel good means I have to know when I'm doing something wrong, so I won't get upset if you tell me that something I'm doing isn't working. I'd in fact really appreciate it! I plan to see you again (or not see you again) regardless, I totally understand that having good sex with someone takes multiple times and effort"
Feels like there's lack of options in this guide for men willing to do fulfill their kinks and in the same time looking for sexworkers being into the same things as them. I'm not saying its right or wrong, just pointing this out. :P I wonder for example how many dominatrix girls are really into domination and enjoy what they do in contraty to those just acting and feeling bored inside. Some men probably would like to have mutualy enjoyable experience and simply pay just to avoid strings attached or meet multiple women without all this relationship drama.
I believe that the best way to have great sex for a lifetime is to marry virginal (at least the female) and develop a pheremone/habitual bond. But since this is unlikely in our society, it's good to know there are sex-workers with professionalism and empathy.
(Potential) first-timer here, I'm interested in hiring a provider because I want to try out some things a woman I've just begun seeing (semi long-distance) is interested in but that don't come super naturally to me. Fairly vanilla imo but she's submissive and wants to be told what to do, commanded, talked extremely dirty to with some degrading language, etc. I've always been naturally dominant in the hair-pulling, choking, pin-a-girl-down kind of way (only when she asks or clearly signals she likes it, of course) but also very silent verbally as I get a little shy and self-conscious about using my words, don't have natural confidence and ease there.
From what I gather as I start researching, you def. don't want to walk into a new escort experience asking her to get in various submissive poses or get spanked or called degrading names etc. I assume the answer here is just clear communication, but how can I signal to a high-end $1000+ escort before booking (if at all possible) that that's what I'm looking for?
What an informative and nicely written piece. I live in England, where the escort thing isn't illegal. But I do visit the States a few times a year and this was very useful as I had considered it but, until now, had taken no action. Perhaps next time I'm there. Thank you.
Based on evolutionary psychology and hypergamy, it seems like working as an escort (especially a high end one) could be a valid strategy to find high status male partners, immediately enter a sexual relationship, with some prospects of this turning into a standard long term relationships. Do escorts do this? Is there a risk that an escort to pursue a longer relationship? Again, in my evo-psych-brainwashed mind, this seems very likely.
Hypergamy is not real. Escorts are not looking for boyfriends.
I'm a Sensual Masseuse, so on the fringes of the industry.
My youngest client was 18 (he brought along ID!) and my oldest are in their 90s.
As for attractiveness, just remember men overestimate how attractive they are by 2 points (conversely women underestimate their own attractiveness by 2 points). However, it is an industry where looks only count for the person booking, it is hygiene, attitude and compliance to our requests/boundaries which count for us workers.
No, it's not normal to ask about imperfections. We are humans not sex dolls. If someone can't cope with the fact a worker has an appendix scar, moles or laughter lines then they have a problem with reality.
What if someone looks for such "imperfections" fetishizing them or simply having them too and feeling more comfortable with women similar to them? ;)
Then explain is when making your first booking inquiries, but it's still not a standard ask, and an inquiry like that is more likely to look like a fantasist askhole (a person who is going to ask many questions but never going to book)!
I have, in all of my working years never heard of a sex worker rejecting a man because he doesn't have a perfectly straight penis. Reasons for rejection are: disease/STI, poor hygiene, (and for those who have sex with their clients) too big.
Is there something you are trying to tell us about yourself?!
I've honestly never heard of an occasion where a woman has sent a guy on his way because of a meaty male member's mighty meander.