How To Hire An Escort: An Overly Analytical Guide

And data about other men who hire escorts

Want to hire an escort but not sure where to start? Worried about police, fake pictures, STI risk, trafficking? Do you actually care about her experience and aren’t sure how to help her have a good time? Look no further, here’s a complete, comprehensive guide to having a great experience with an escort - from selection to safety to etiquette.

My credentials: I’m an escort, and I like collecting data. I used to work quite a lot, but in recent years work more recreationally/occasionally. I started out as mid-high end, and have recently moved to extremely-high end.

I also did a survey of 875 men who reported hiring escorts. This probably isn’t a representative sample, since they’re people online and in my circles enough to take one of my surveys, but if you’re reading this article then you are probably the kind of person who would take the survey, and so the data is probably more relevant to you.

This guide is more meant for people interested in:
*women
*more vanilla-ish experiences
*independent sex workers
*mid to high range prices
*GFE, all-inclusive experiences
*US-based market

This guide isn’t very good for the sections of sex work related to:
*brothels and agencies
*picking up women on the street
*hobbyists (guys who significantly prioritize quantity over quality)
*pay-per-sex-act experiences
*low-end prices
*dominatrixes and bdsm
*sex tourism

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Finding An Escort

The best way to find an escort is to visit a website where escorts list ads, and then use those ads to find the escort’s website and social media.

The best website to find escorts in the US is tryst.link. This website is free for escorts to list on, and they can boost themselves in the ratings by paying a little more. It has the most ethical treatment of escorts, the greatest total number of escorts, and advanced search functions where you can sort by stuff like hair color, body type, and amount they charge.

Really, this site is good enough I typically wouldn’t even recommend looking at the others, but there are some location-specific site advantages, in that different cities (or countries) can sometimes be more popular on specific sites, and so it’s worth at least poking around on other sites in your area to see what the selection is like.

You should check out Slixa as a good runner up. If you wanna descend into more lower-end specific sites, look at Adultsearch, EscortDirectory, Bedpage, Skip The Games, Erotic Monkey, LeoList, The Erotic Review, P411.

You can click on girls’ profiles, and she’ll typically have more photos, a description about herself, and links to website, social media, contact information, etc.

But okay - we’re on Tryst, doing a search. You input your preferred hair color, age range, whatever - but what is a good price?

Filter 1: Price

How much should you spend? This depends on a lot of factors!

Here’s what clients reported spending on escorts:

The average hourly rate was $357, the median $300.

(Keep in mind the majority of escorts have discounts for multiple hours; it’s probably going to cost something closer to $600 to spend 3 hours with a $300 escort.)

But - how important is price? How much does it affect the quality of escort you get and the safety of your experience?

Price And Your Safety

Before we look at how price affects bad things, let’s look at general rates of reported ‘bad things’. This is the % of clients who said they’d experience the bad thing, divided up by how many escorts they’d seen.

Keep in mind these rates are factoring in guys making dumb decisions, a common thing to find among the horny male population; it’s easy to reduce your risk with just a little education.

The most common issue is people getting stolen from. My survey wasn’t super specific, so my guess is that in addition to outright theft, this includes ‘getting scammed’ - like, putting down deposits and she never shows, or her refusing to perform things you thought you were paying for.

Let’s see if men who reported bad experiences were paying meaningfully less for escorts.

Or, divided up by people who’ve experienced the thing:

Men who reported being stolen from paid on average $331
Who got arrested: $316
Legal trouble: $273
Contracted a STI: $312
Assaulted: $329

By contrast, the group of men who never had anything bad happen to them, paid on average $370 (or rather, reported this is the average cost for the first hour for escorts they saw).

This isn’t a huge difference, and my sample size isn’t massive so the error bars are still big, confidence unclear. Maybe there’s a threshold at which risk of these things drops off? $600/hr looked like a sort of cliff for theft, so maybe we live in a world where paying $1000/hr or more drops your risk to negligible levels.

I also only asked “has this ever happened to you”, so the graphs represent a binary “1+” or “never”, and doesn’t capture any difference between “1” and “100”. It’s possible that if I had more information about the number of times this occurred, we’d see more of a linear trend on the graphs. Not enough data to know yet!

There’s other things you can do to reduce your risks, but failing that, throwing in an additional $100/hr might decrease your chances of regret.

Price and Location

Escorts charge more in bigger cities; expect to add an additional $100-200 onto the average hourly price for places like NY and SF. This might be annoying, but it also increases selection.

Outside the US, rates tend to be cheaper in areas where escorting is varying degrees of legal. You can check local rates across the world, though my personal expertise is US-based.

Price and Fetish

This guide isn’t about finding a dominatrix specifically, but this tends to be the most common subtype of escort, and dominatrix prices, in general, tend to be cheaper than normal GFE. Typically, dominatrixes won’t engage in penetrative sex.

Some advertise tantra and sensual massage - these also frequently don’t involve penetrative sex.

If you have strong fetishes in any other direction, you can look for escorts that advertise themselves as open-minded or fetish-friendly. I don’t know much more about finding niche fetish escorts, I’m sorry! Just know that if your fetish doesn’t require too much effort or is unlikely to actively disgust people, you might have a good shot of politely asking an escort you’re seeing if she’d be down to participate. I personally really liked helping people fulfill fetishes, and many of my escort friends feel similarly.

Price and Appearance

More conventionally attractive escorts charge more - but also escorts that charge more, seem to look more like their photos. Clients seeing escorts in the $50-200 range said about 60% looked like their photos, while the $600+ range jumped to 80%.

Enjoyment

I also asked how much men enjoyed interacted with the providers. This is of course possibly confounded - maybe men who like interacting with escorts, also want to pay them more?

But still, maybe this is causal. I asked people to mark enjoyment with interaction with providers on a 1-7 scale, and here were the average scores.

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So in general, paying more does seem to result in a better experience.

Price, Etc

I’ve been looking at 1-hour rates, but escorts vary in their minimum time. Generally speaking, the cheaper the escort, the lower her minimum time (usually 30 minutes), whereas it’s common for high-end women to have a minimum of 2 hours.

(Though I personally have extremely high rates, and my minimum is 1 hour)

And to repeat - rates get cheaper the more hours you book. A $200-hour escort is unlikely to charge $400 for two hours.

You can also hire escorts for a full day, or multiple days, for a more serious hourly discount.

What about tipping? I got a gift or tip on around 15% of my appointments, so it’s pretty rare, and you’re probably not going to insult her by skipping out on this. I did love it when it happened though, absolutely made my day.

Compatibility

Alrighty, you’ve figured out the price range you want, and set that as a search filter on Tryst.

But how do you know who you’ll get along with? How do you read the vibes?

Picking a good escort is a lot like picking a good therapist. You have to pay them a lot, it takes a while to work up a rapport, and it’s hard to tell if your therapist is good if you haven’t seen any others to compare.

There’s a chance you won’t have much chemistry with the first girl you meet, or the second. Be prepared to shop around a bit. Don’t hang all your hopes and dreams and life savings on the first girl with carefully lit and posed photos; she might turn out to be a disappointing match for your personal proclivities.

A lot of this also depends on what you’re optimizing for. The majority of clients I saw were looking for something like a casual part-time hookup girlfriend, where they might see you a few times a year, as they rotated through other girls they also saw a few times a year.

Some went for gotta-catch-em-all, trying to bang as many escorts as they could. Clients who do this tend to pay lower rates, as they’re focusing more on total quantity as opposed to quality or compatibility. If this is your style, then you probably already know that poring hard over a girl’s profile won’t matter much - focus on girls you find attractive for the prices you can afford at high volume, and go for it.

But if you’re reading this, you probably are a bit more interested in enjoying the company of the girl you see.

Unfortunately I don’t have the data to know how to predict compatibility more efficiently, here.

Are the photos accurate tho

When I asked ‘why did you choose me’, often they said things like “It seemed like you wrote your own profile”, “it seemed like you had a different personality than the other girls”. But most commonly (and slightly disappointingly in my femme-romantic brain), they were like “you had an incredible body”.

So if you’re anything like my clients, you’re a horny man who wants to have sex with a cute woman with an incredible body. What an “incredible body” is is up to you! There’s a wide range of things men find hot. Go for what you want.

But the most common complaint I heard from men is that they hired a woman who appeared to weigh less in her photos than she did in real life. So if this applies to you, a few tricks to gauging the accuracy of photos:

1. Do the photos appear old? Are fashion styles out of date?

2. How defined are her collarbones? Generally collarbones tend to ‘fade out’ of view with increased weight.

3. Look at boudoir photography tutorials for plus-sized women. They’re full of techniques to disguising weight in photographs, such as posing in a corset or “lying on the back, legs in the air”. Familiarize yourself with these strategies, and if you recognize a lot of them in the photos of an escort, this might be a warning sign.

And if you are interested in weight, then apply the reverse of the above advice.

All right - you’ve selected your price, found a girl with photos you find fuckable charming, and you’re ready to continue.

Reviews

Review culture is pretty split. In hobbyist, lower-end world, reviews are commonplace and nearly required. The Erotic Review, USASexGuide, ECCIE, etc. - all can work. The impression I’ve gotten from reading a lot of forums is that these are used by men looking for cheaper rates and higher volume, presumably because this demographic carries more risk of scams or STIs, and so reviews become much more necessary.

But the higher in price you go, the less you’ll see reviews. Upper-end culture views them as a bit more tacky - do you really wanna read some other man describing all the positions he did with this woman, and how many times he jizzed and how much he sucked on her tits? Does she want you to be able to read that? It’s kinda unseemly. And, in higher-end culture, tends to be a little more unnecessary.

Her Website

Many escorts have her own website. Some don’t - some will list the entirety of the information you need to know directly on her Tryst (or other) profile. But websites are still common, and you should actively check to see if she has it listed. This isn’t just a way to get more information about her vibes, but also to help ensure she’s an independent worker.

Sex Trafficking Isn’t Sexy Unless You’re Doing A Niche Type Of Roleplay And Then Only When It’s Consensual, Actual Sex Trafficking Is Tragic And Let’s Stay Away From That

Sex trafficking in the US is a really overhyped issue. Downtrodden, abused sex workers make for a better story, and so most interviews focus on them.

Plus, the numbers people throw around about it are terrible. I did a deep dive into the research here, and my (broad) estimate of active, in-person sex workers who are currently being sex trafficked in the US is 3.2%.

I’m not aware of good data on the subcategories of prostitution that trafficked women end up in, but it seems fairly likely that someone doing this under threat of coercion is doing it as a part of a larger system - think massage parlors, a pimping setup, brothel, an agency, etc.

These typically operate as high volume, long hours, and low cost, sort of like the ‘fast food joint’ of sex work. You don’t need skilled, independently driven workers - you can operate on underprivileged people who don’t give a shit, just want the money and to go home. This also happens to be the most viable economic niche in which to fit trafficked people, who presumably aren’t selected based on skills or being independently driven in sex work.

The practical need for pimps has decreased with the advent of online screening. Pimps primarily serve physical protection (and maybe something around tribal support?) and client-finding, but are no longer needed for girls who find clients online and have good screening practices.

I’m not saying all girls who work for agencies or whatever are trafficked. You could make an argument that they’re disproportionately underprivileged, and more in need of good business from good men who will treat them right, and that if everybody just boycotted agency workers, they’d become more desperate and tolerate more abuse in order to make their paycheck. I don’t want to infantilize the women doing this willingly - this often ends up backfiring on their wellbeing.

(If you’re a woman working for an agency, check out my Overly Analytical Escorting Guide for how to work independently! It’s a bit extra work, but you can usually make more money for greater freedom)

But if you want to avoid running into the 3.2% operating under some version of force, I would stick with independent girls. These are girls who list their own ads directly onto the website, run their own social media, etc. - things that agencies technically could do but aren’t really economically feasible at scale.

Agencies are companies that handle verification and sending girls out to you, and look something like this:

You generally don’t want this. Instead you want to book from a girl directly, with a personal website that might look something like this:

Talia Sable

or this

Lucy Belmont

or this

Lily Kasai

Anyway, website structure:

Websites tend to have a few key parts-

Rates/donations/consideration - where they list their hourly rates. It’s considered pretty bad form to ask for discounts or do haggling (although I think in an ideal world you should be able to do this without punishment).
Etiquette - where they tell you basics of how they want you to act. Most escorts use pretty similar etiquette code.

Etiquette, real fast

Usually standard mid-to-high independent escort norms look like:

1. Don’t ever mention sex in writing or in email. Don’t ask what she will or won’t do in any sort of graphic way. Subtle allusions or vibes might be okay.

(Aside: Talking About Sex)

This no-talking-about-sex thing is definitely a higher end culture. There’s a whole acronym system for sex acts, and generally the lower priced the escort, the more you’re likely to find them.

This is part of a trend - in general, higher priced escorts are more likely to screen, not talk about sex (due to legal risk), and have a whole etiquette system. Lower priced escorts have higher volume of clients are much less likely to take precautions (and thus tend to be more targeted for stings). You can certainly hire escorts for lower rates if you’d like! There’s nothing wrong with that - just know many of the more cautious rules I’m listing out here might be less necessary from their end.

Back to etiquette

1. Don’t ever directly hand her money, or talk about money. If you meet her in public before going back to a hotel room, hand it to her discreetly, like tucked into an envelope in a book or a card or some other gift. If she comes to your hotel room, have the money already in an envelope and clearly visible on the dresser or bathroom counter. If you go to her hotel room, leave the envelope in a visible location on a dresser or table and excuse yourself to the bathroom to:

2. Shower! If you arrive at her hotel room and shower, this is on the clock. You don’t have to take long, just make sure you’re not stinky and your junk is clean. If she’s coming to you, you can shower right before she gets there. Given you’re polite, it’s hard to offend an escort - but stinky junk is a sure way to do it.

These are the ones that typically are on the website, but if I had to include another it would be to leave on time. If you booked an hour, make sure you have enough time to shower (if you need to) and get out the door by the time the hour is up. This is pretty important, and maybe the most common mishap my clients would make. Even if I’m enjoying my time with you, I might have somewhere to be right afterwards, and I don’t want to have to go through the awkwardness of hurrying you out the door!

Details

You can fly girls to you; often they upcharge for this, sometimes this is an additional % of their rates, sometimes a flat fee.

Sometimes escorts tour, which means ‘visits a lot of cities, hoping to book clients in advance’, and will have a list of dates and cities for their schedule.

Sometimes girls want a deposit in advance. While this is probably the best opportunity for someone to scam you, it’s still common practice among legit escorts. It’s rare, maybe unheard of, to have deposits be the full amount of the booking, and I wouldn’t recommend you do that if an escort asks.

In general, based on reading forums, I’ve anecdotally got the impression that deposits become more risky, the lower the rates of the escort. I’m not saying higher-priced escorts never steal deposits, only that reports of this are less common.

Most commonly, they’ll ask for a deposit if they’re traveling a long distance to you, or if you’re booking a lot of hours. I took a lot of deposits, and only accidentally scammed someone once when they sent me monero and then I lost his contact info and if you’re monero guy reading this let me know who u are so i can refund you

Often they’ll have a cancellation policy, where they charge you a % of what you were supposed to pay them if you don’t show up. I’m not sure anything bad happens if you don’t pay them this, but it’s Bad to do, they might talk shit about you to other escorts who will then decline your booking requests without telling you why, and you can sure as hell expect to never see her again.

It’s pretty rare for professional escorts to agree to have sex without a condom, and condomless sex seems to be more common on the lower ends (based on my reading of escort and client forums). It seems to be pretty treacherous waters to suggest; my guess is if you’ve seen a girl a few times and have some trust and rapport, you might be able to suggest it, especially if you offer up some super-reliable STI testing proof beforehand (possibly using a verifying service like PASS?). Still though, don’t count on it. I had a hard policy to never do this.

Incalls are when you go to her, and outcalls are she goes to you. Often girls will have a bit of an extra charge for one or the other, typically in order to cover inconvenience of travel, rent, or a hotel she might have to book.

Some girls, especially the higher end ones, have assistants handling their emails, booking and screening.

Upselling - charging you more for specific acts, such as ejaculating more than once, blowjobs, fetishes, or sex positions - is more common with escorts who charge lower rates and are willing to talk about concrete sex acts online. This becomes less common with mid range escorts, and basically unheard of among the higher end, where the girlfriend experience (GFE) becomes the norm.

You can also hire two escorts at a time, called duos. Hell, you could get a little crazy and do a trio!

Some escorts have duo pages, where they list other escorts they’re down to work with. If you want to put together a duo yourself - select girls that aren’t on each other’s pages - you can email them both separately and ask if they’d be down to duo. They can then talk to each other and figure out any appropriate details.

Social Media

A great way to verify that she’s legit and independent! Many escorts will have a link to twitter (which is, incidentally, one of the few last standing platforms that allow open sex workers and I am very grateful for that). Check out her twitter profile for activity - probably photos, tweets, interactions with other sex workers, discreet allusions to recent fun dates she’s had, etc. This is a great way to verify she’s A Real Girl.

And to be clear, it’s pretty hard for a girl to be outright fake on an escort listing service. On the reputable directories, you have to go through the whole ‘submit your ID, photos of you holding your ID’ type deal, and wait for approval, and all the photos you upload have to look vaguely like the person in your ID, etc.’ - it’s not trivial for anybody to sign up and impersonate someone else.

If you’re still worried, you can reverse image search her photos.

But all right - you’ve searched for your girl, found someone hot, read her website, checked her etiquette, found out when she’s gonna be in town, and you want to book.

Screening

You should probably pick someone who does screening. If you’re seeing an escort and she asks for no information from you, this is a red flag. While good data is limited, it seems that when police do sex work stings, they go for volume by pretending to be a woman and getting as many men as ‘she’ can to show up. Screening slows this down.

Plus, screening is a necessary protection for her. If she’s not using screening as physical protection, then she might be using a pimp or some other form of force to operate as that protection. And if not, then she’s not prioritizing her own wellbeing, which means she’s more likely to have other significant issues that might end up threatening you.

Also, idk if I were running a scam or theft ring where I plan to jump a bunch of johns, I probably wouldn’t be asking the guys to go through a screening process beforehand.

So, give screening info. If she doesn’t ask for screening info, run away.

Usually screening info is something like references from other escorts you’ve seen, ID verification, or some mix of both. She wants to make sure you’re not going to hurt or kidnap her (otherwise known as ‘arresting’).

If it’s your first time, let her know. Escorts sometimes have a first time screening process, where she might ask for additional verification information, or occasionally to meet you in person first, public-only, before scheduling a second private date later.

The screening information might feel invasive, especially if it’s your first time. If you really don’t want to give away specific info, you can politely explain why that particular information is sensitive, and see if you can offer up anything else in return. Don’t be offended if she turns you down; lots of women won’t bother with any risk. But you only need 1-2 escorts, and after that you can use them as references and it’ll be a lot easier.

She might ask for a photo of your ID - just blot out things like your address and ID number, and send over a photo. She might ask to verify your work, and you’ll have to provide a linkedin or, occasionally, a number at your work to call.

I’m not saying it never happens, but I’ve never heard of issues with screening info getting leaked before. If the girl you’re seeing is professional - and at this point in this guide you should know how to spot this - then she’s got a lot of incentive to treat your information with security and respect.

You can also use P411 or Private Delights, a directory/verification service for clients. I’ve barely used this and can’t offer particular advice. Not all escorts accept this for verification, and I think the verification there is just references anyway? But still might be worth checking out.

Generally, screening takes from 1-7 days to complete. If it’s over a week, it might be worth a polite check-in to see if she needs anything else from you.

The bar for being a good client here is low - just be polite and direct. You wouldn’t believe how many clients are time wasters, are really annoying when giving screening info (usually incomplete, or makes her ask multiple times to give it).

If she has a form on her website, fill it out. If not, send her an email that’s your name, a brief intro, the amount of time you’d like to see her for, when and where.

from the sexworkers subreddit

How long do you book?

Up to you! But most of the time I found that sex itself lasted around 15-30 minutes, and maybe another 15 minutes if you’re doing a lot of foreplay.

But you want a bit before and after to shower, chat, goof off, so I’d recommend a minimum of one hour. This is all cutting it close - if you’re nervous and it takes you a bit to get hard, or you accidentally stumble onto a fascinating conversation, this can easily balloon your time. Thus, 90 minutes is my recommendation for amount of time that’s most wallet-protective, while also not being rushed.

2-3 hours is great for a drink or meal beforehand, and was personally my favorite length of time. Call me old fashioned, but I found I was much more likely to enjoy the sex if I had a greater amount of time to talk beforehand. It gave me a chance to casually talk about sex preferences and compatibility, get a feel for teasing, and fall in micro-love a little bit.

And of course if you really like her, you can do longer. I had a client who always booked girls for a minimum of six hours, and was confused that anybody ever did shorter. Longer periods of time are more suitable if you want to go multiple rounds.

Multiple rounds are a bit nuanced. I really hated when a client would immediately escalate to sex, clearly trying to get as much sex and ejaculation as possible, only stopping when time was up. I get that this is a transaction, and I’m willing to endure uncomfortable things sometimes in order to get money, but it’s rare for that type of sex to actually be enjoyable for me. To be clear, it’s well within your rights to ‘milk the time’ if that’s what you want to do and she’s consenting to it, I’m not saying there’s anything inherently wrong with it.

But if you care about your provider enjoying herself at all, I would not try to shove multiple rounds into a time period too short for it. If you think you want to do another round of sex after a refractory period, add on another hour to the time and take it easy.

If, at the appointment, you realize you need more time, you can ask about adding an hour. Some providers already have their policy here laid out on their websites, but often you can lengthen the time by adding on a slightly penalized rate. If you think you might need to do this, bring extra cash!

A last note about scams

I’ve already said most of the info you need to avoid scams (where you pay in advance and she never shows up, or you show up, give her money, and she leaves), but to reiterate:

1. Only book women who require screening information from you

2. The higher rates men paid an escort, the less likely they were to report theft

3. Never pay a deposit of 100% before an appointment. Smaller deposits (10-50%) for travel and longer appointment times are common and legitimate.

4. If you wanna be super safe, book a shorter appointment that doesn’t require any deposit. This is very common and easy to find.

5. Pick an independent escort with an active social media page with a lengthy amount of history

6. You can check Private Delights for reviews on escorts, though know many professional, non-scam escorts refuse to use sites that have reviews

Hotels

If you’re going to her, she should give you the room number she’s in, if at a hotel. It might also be an apartment, where often girls will do a timeshare rent with other escorts as a location to see clients. But usually it’s a hotel.

Keycards in elevators are becoming more common. She should give you instructions on how to get to her room, or might simply just meet you in the lobby. Don’t go to the front desk and ask about her, unless she explicitly tells you this is okay to do. The name the hotel knows her by will be different than the name you know her by, and this can be real awkward.

If she’s coming to you, make sure you give her clear information about how to get to your room. Is there a keycard in the elevator? Can she take the stairs? You might need to meet her at the base of the elevators.

Generally, mid to higher end girls are lower volume, and you’re probably not going to be one-client-of-many-that-day walking into her room. Just ignore the hotel workers at the front desk, walk in like you own the place, try to keep “you meet her for the first time” out of their direct line of sight, and it’ll be fine.

The Appointment

This is basically like a tinder date, except you’re guaranteed to have sex.

You’re going to show up at dinner, or lunch, or for coffee, or directly at your/her hotel room, and she’ll introduce yourself and give you a hug or whatever. If in public, it’s very likely she knows how to be discreet, and won’t be dressing in a way that signals sex worker. You’ll hand her the cash, or leave it on the dresser, or whatever her etiquette asked for. She’ll disappear it when you’re not looking, smoothly, like it was never there.

You’ll chat for a bit, or a long time, or for most of the time, whatever makes you comfortable. She’s almost certainly had first timers before, don’t worry.

And then when it feels right, you two can smash each other’s lights out. Just, really go at it.

Advice on the sex itself is hard, because it’s so individual. But generally ask before doing high-variance stuff, such as putting your tongue in her ear or butthole or something.

Most clients and escorts will kiss on the mouth, but some don’t. Most have unprotected oral, but some require condoms. Almost all require condoms for genital-to-genital penetration.

Ideally, you should bring condoms that you know will fit you well. She probably will have some too in case you don’t. Be sure to place the condom on correctly the first time; if you try to put it on but it won’t unravel, and then you flip it upside down, you’ve just transferred trace juices to the part that’s gonna come into contact with her. Throw the condom away and get a new one.

And the usual rules apply. Have your teeth brushed, your nails short and smooth. I don’t think women care that much about your pubic hair, but a little trimmed is nice.

And again - don’t stay past your time when it’s up. This is like a date where you have somewhere to be afterwards. Tell her what you liked about it, tip her if you want to, button your shirt, and head out the door.

If You Want Her To Enjoy Her Time

It’s hard to make sure you’re giving escorts good sex, because they’re incentivized to not let you know if you’re doing something they don’t like.

This… might be good. If she’s extremely submissive, but can tell you’re submissive, then her ‘just doing what she wants’ will result in both of you sitting there awkwardly. To some degree there sometimes needs to be a bit of sex-as-function for it to work. But this isn’t always the case, and well hell, maybe if there’s room in sexual-compatibility-space for both of you, maybe you do wanna be the client to blow her mind?

Good sex is hard. Women are varied, and like a lot of different things. I’ve been doing a lot of research - interviews, surveys, and uh, field work - to develop a guide to most rapidly arrive at mind-blowing sex, so I’d look there for more sex-specific advice that will be helpful for all women, not just escorts.

But you face a unique set of challenges with escorts. She has a lot of reasons to suppress, either subtly or actively, her true sexual reactions. She’s afraid that if she says she doesn’t like something you’re doing, that you’re going to be upset, or sad, or aren’t going to book her anymore.

And if this is in fact true of you, if you want to learn how to please a specific escort but will stop seeing her once she starts telling you what’s not working for her and it’s not a fun casual playground anymore, then don’t ask her to be honest with you. This is not the place to learn to up your sexual game, do not hold your money over a woman’s head and yank it away when she finally gives you honesty.

The best sex I had were with clients who - in addition to the Good At Sex principles I write about in the guide - who gently set aside the Escort part of me, the forever-pleasant girl who liked everything - and proceeded like I was a normal woman. It was like they understood in their bones that ‘good sex’ was a learning process, and looked past my mild moans of pleasure to find the real, full-throated pleasure. They came in with the assumption that they were not automatically good at sex with me, and refused to let me fool them into thinking they were automatically good at this.

Whereas the clients that felt like work were clients that took my first whimper and ran with it. That whimper was good enough, that’s what they came here for.

And again - if that’s what you want, this is okay. You’re hiring an escort - if you don’t want to spend your time maxxing out her sexual pleasure, you are absolutely within your rights. I will staunchly defend the ability of men to pay a consenting woman to have sex with her that he enjoys and she doesn’t.

But if you get off sexually on her genuine pleasure, then my advice is to disregard the first sounds of pleasure you hear, and instead see if you can dig a little deeper, thrust a little harder, lick a little longer, and see if the ‘ooh’ turns into an ‘…ooooh.’

It’s fine if it doesn’t! Again - women are varied - just, it’s an opportunity to take it more of a challenge vs level 1 easy mode. Professional escorts will just hand you level 1 easy mode as a default, it’s up to you if you want to push up the quality of the sex.

Don’t worry too much about it; it’s also her responsibility to communicate with you and enjoy herself. And if she’s an escort who loves her work, she’ll let you know what to do to turn her on.

If you are concerned at all about her experience, you’re probably in no danger of being an awful client. The bar is shockingly low; while rare, I’ve had clients completely uninterested in my pleasure while simultaneously prompting me to act like I liked it; I’ve had them pour cold water on me, be rude, push past the time we were supposed to end. This is the kind of client that causes me to leave thinking ‘man I’m glad I’m getting paid for this because that was awful.’

It’s really not hard to clear that bar. Just be respectful, kind, and track her wellbeing a bit. And if you’re not sure, ask.

My enjoyment of escorting has been a nice bell curve; about 10-15% of clients were kinda unpleasant, 10-15% were actively wonderful, and the middle 70-80% were nice people I thought well of but weren’t especially memorable for me.

If You Want To Enjoy Your Time

Don’t be afraid to ask for what you want. As long as you’re letting her know you’re okay hearing a no, and not pressuring her to do anything she’s uncomfortable with, then feel free to take the reins and get your fantasies fulfilled.

Generally, escorts do really want you to have a good experience, and are looking to figure out what you want so they can help. I often found it actively reassuring when a guy wanted me to do something specific, told me what he needed in order to get off, because then I didn’t have to spend anxiety time trying to figure out if I was doing it right, did he want something else, was I reading him correctly? Really, telling her what you’d like to happen can be a gift to her, and make her job easier.

If you don’t know what you want, that’s fine too! Tell her that, and you both can explore together.

If you’re very inexperienced, or a virgin, feel free to let her know - she’s probably helped out with that condition before. It’s also legitimately not a big deal to be inexperienced; some of my most fulfilling work came from seeing inexperienced clients, because it felt so good to be such a large, influential fraction of their new information.

And I wouldn’t be too self-conscious, if I were you. It’s not uncommon to meet guys who, nervous about their first time or stressed about work or whatever, can’t get hard. This is seriously not a big deal; bodies do funny stuff, people twitch when they orgasm, we’re a bag of blood and bones and sometimes the blood refuses to help out with the boning part. I’ve had guys accidentally pee on my face because of incontinence, guys too soft to penetrate my vagina, so they fuck the crook of my thigh instead. I’ve seen micropenises and unusual bodyhair and fascinatingly shaped penis heads and botched circumcisions and birthmarks and smelled interesting smells. Other men are more varied than you’d think, and there’s a whole array of ways to feel ashamed, and none of them make you particularly special.

Sex is goofy. I liked being with my clients through all the weirdness regardless. I never thought less of a client due to ‘failure to perform’ or any other harmless quirk. I viewed the experience as beneficial - if you want a soft penis to turn into a hard one, you’re probably going to have to go through a series of sexual experiences in order to discover the hurdles in yourself you have to cross, and thus I’m a necessary part of that journey - it’s better we work this out with me than a future girlfriend! So I’m happy to be that.

Ideally, seeing a sex worker is a vibrant, playful experience. The stakes aren’t high, you’re here to explore, be yourself, figure out who you are when having casual sex with a new, pretty lady. It’s okay to fail, to be weird, to experiment. Most escorts I know are really, genuinely delighted to help with that. Behind closed doors, we talk about many of our clients with affection. A particular favorite is whenever any of us get a shy client who’s trying out a new fetish for the first time - we all coo and say it’s so wholesome and we hope he came so hard, we bet he loved that.

Sex is awesome. Paying for sex is weird, but worth it. It’d be tragic to live a whole life without coming into your sexual self, without having wonderful sexual adventures and mishaps - so find a girl (or few) you enjoy seeing, and start exploring. <3

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Last year I asked twitter for sex worker recommendations, which ended up functioning as a sort of directory. I think people who ended up on this directory are at least somewhat filtered - they were either following me on twitter, or pointed to this by someone who was following me on twitter. I think they’re very unlikely to be scams, and are slightly more likely to be cooler than the average sex worker. I haven’t personally verified most of the people on this list though, so the rest of the sussing will have to be up to you! If you’re a sex worker and would like to be added to this list, please email my assistant sasha.c.whitt@gmail.com

(not a comprehensive list, I just added till I got tired; check the twitter thread itself for everybody)

Talia Sable (SF)
Lucy Belmont (SF/NYC)
Lily Kasai (NYC) (dominatrix)
Goddess Talia (NYC) (dominatrix)
Abigail Glass (SF)
Adelyn Moore (NYC)
Mara Blake (Chicago)
Wild Iris (South Bay) (dominatrix)
Mx Tomie (NYC) (dominatrix)
Rei (dominatrix)
Kitt Smith (Milwaukee)
Aubrey Haze (Las Vegas)
Jesse Moretti (LA)
Scarlett Deux (Austin)
Jenni James (Houston)
Shelby Black (Melbourne)
Julia Flowerbomb (NYC)
Amber Délice (Boulder/Denver)
Khloe Karl (London)
Zia Moon (SF)
Eve Osyth (London)
Daisy Saint Claire (San Diego)
Otty (London)
Francesca (London) (massage)
Aveline K. (Zurich)
Hadley James (Orange County)
Alessandra Hayden (Boulder)
Elouise Elliot (west palm beach)
Goddess Kat (Denver)
CeeCee Snake (Chicago) (dominatrix)
Luna (Indianapolis/Chicago)
Lola (Victoria)