The fact that the safe word is red and the red-colored wristband means something else seems like it's setting up for first time the Stroop Effect will be the subject of expert testimony in criminal court.
These events sound ethical and well-run as described, but I have mixed feelings about publishing this post. Yes you may help future noncon orgy-nizers avoid pitfalls, if they're as thoughtful and careful as you, but I fear you've also lowered the barrier to entry for less competent/moral actors.
Coincidentally, when I got the email for this post, I happened to be reading a Reddit AMA about a *nonconsensual* nonconsent interaction, i.e. an AMA with a rapist. They describe their inner thoughts in significant detail.
Interestingly, they don't think that they'd be turned on by BDSM or consensual nonconsent roleplay like this. For them it needed to *actually* be nonconsensual.
Location..parking is an issue always. Trying to keep the airbnb rental low key with the neighbors is difficult when there are 50 cars parked on the street. Lol
Typically i will have 3 event monitors roaming the event making sure folks are following instructions. Sucks for them no play. And having a clean up crew helps so much!
One way to try and clear up confusion is when issuing out wrist bands, you read the rules and instructions to the guests one by one. Yes it is timely, but in the end everyone will have heard the instructions. This is a better way than assuming that folks actually read..most folks skim. Image characters with the wristband also helps those folks who tune out words. And makes connecting the action to the color. Takes just a min to create this and then laminate them and place into a party folder. Which you use for the events.
Good post. Dont worry about others and lowering any barriers. Pish posh.
This is super interesting! This post in conjunction with your “Women prefer more violent porn (and other data)” post raise a few questions for me.
It seems that pre-puberty, playing games with high physical contact between players is super common, and widely considered fun. Games like “Red Rover” (one player runs full speed into the arms of opposing players, then attempts to fight their way through while the opposing team holds them back), “Sharks and Lifeguards” (children sit around the perimeter of a parachute with their legs extended beneath, while “shark” children under the parachute grab their ankles and attempt to drag them under, and “lifeguard” children walking around the outside attempt to drag them back to safety), and a game I learned from Israeli counselors at a summer camp that I think they called something like “pisu kim” (one player tries to physically restrain another from taking a vacant seat across the circle, always resulting in extended wrestling matches and intense struggle), and a few more come to mind, all of which were co-ed. It seems that when we’re children, we have no issue with accepting the joy that comes from the adrenaline rush of attempting to physically escape from and/or restrain someone else. Once we hit puberty, though, we seem to become hyperaware of our body’s sexual capacities, and abandon casual physical contact, relegating lesser, far more controlled versions of that type of activity to private bedrooms with highly vetted romantic partners. The type of physical struggle dynamic we once practiced openly in public without batting an eye becomes a sexual fetish carrying at least some degree of stigma in most communities.
It would be interesting to know if the people who enjoyed high physical contact games in childhood are more prone to pursuing that dynamic with sexual partners in adulthood (CNC), or if an adulthood affinity for sexual struggle is completely independent from a childhood affinity for non-sexual, high physical contact games. It would also be really interesting to know if those preferring to be in the role of aggressor in CNC also preferred being the aggressor in childhood high physical contact games, and vice versa. It makes me wonder if the rise in testosterone and estrogen experienced by adolescents plays a significant role in pushing CNC-prone individuals into aggressor and receiver categories, respectively, or if the gender split has more to do with societal gender norms. After reading your “Women prefer more violent porn (and other data)” post, I would guess society plays a far more minor role than some may assume, because people tend to watch porn that gets them off, not porn that they think society thinks they should get off to (if that makes any sense lol). Since when no one is watching, women tend to gravitate more toward aggression against women than men do, it makes me think women’s preferred role of “receiver” is related to biological wiring (which makes sense when you think about sex and evolution, and how male aggressor/female receiver is more likely to result in a child than the reverse). It makes me wonder if high physical contact games remained common and widely practiced through adolescence and adulthood, would that satisfy our attraction to that dynamic, and reduce consumption of violent porn? Who knows, maybe it would show us how much we enjoy that dynamic, and boost our consumption of violent porn. Anyway, I love your posts! Thanks for always giving me interesting things to think about
It's practically a law that every storage unit that goes up for auction have at least 2 mattresses in it, and a lot of times you can pick up mattress heavy units for $10. Obviously you'll need to do some cleaning and like, but after you put a waterproof mattress cover and some sheets on them they're great for an event like this.
I'm curious as to the dynamics of receiving for straight men. Are there enough women aggressors available to ravage the more sub male receivers? I know there's often a misbalance like this in other contexts.
I assume the thrill that people get from ignoring "no" is not due to the phonetics of the word itself, but due to the meaning it has in broader society, and the brain's failure to properly reassign that meaning in the context of the orgy. As such, I'd be curious whether, if someone goes to several of these, they start losing that thrill, as their unconscious mind comes to learn that "no" doesn't actually mean anything in this context.
If so, you could probably fix this by rotating safewords? Run several events in a row with the same safeword, let people come to unconsciously learn that it's meaningful, then switch to a new safeword and people can get a thrill out of ignoring the old one.
If you end up gathering any data on this, I'd love to see it.
Have you considered joining the Bonobo network? It’s a poly/kink community that regularly throws events, many of which are at an extremely convenient venue in the East Bay (lots of mattresses, large multi-person shower, etc.). As a member myself, I would LOVE to attend a party like this!
Glowstick wristbands are used at gay sex clubs during "blackout" events where lights are off or very low. These events are VERY popular (like literally full to fire code capacity) and it's definitely because the glowstick is the easiest possible way to identify partners without asking strangers about their preferences. A two color glowstick system would be even easier for sure, considering some of these events actually have up to four color codes.
This is the best way to unburden yourself from fear rejection. I only have learned about ncn very recently and red about it a little but this writing blew my mind I would call this an equitable sex where everyone safely gets the level of aggression they want. Thanks you for this writing Aella I found you through Lex Freedman podcast and now I follow you across platforms including fetlife I am happy to know about you.
>it’s possible they hadn’t read through the original invitation, and maybe had some important texts to respond to when we were going over all the rules in the opening circle, and thus weren’t paying attention?
Hypothesis: if you used similar phrasing in your briefing as you did in this post, maybe they simply didn't understand what they were getting into, and they "skimmed" over words like "agressors" and "non-consent" until faced with the aweful realization of what was going to happen.
Also, legally, how does it work? Can a signed paper really protect you from an unhappy participant's lawsuit?
I think that the ratio of 1:1 (one receiver to one aggressor) should work fine as long as everyone is in good enough fitness level to be able to deliver with an intensity equal to the person you're playing with. Rather than having 2:3 and the risking disappointment from either side
The fact that the safe word is red and the red-colored wristband means something else seems like it's setting up for first time the Stroop Effect will be the subject of expert testimony in criminal court.
These events sound ethical and well-run as described, but I have mixed feelings about publishing this post. Yes you may help future noncon orgy-nizers avoid pitfalls, if they're as thoughtful and careful as you, but I fear you've also lowered the barrier to entry for less competent/moral actors.
How does one balance levels of attractiveness, in addition to gender balance? Or is that a non issue when you don't have to negotiate consent?
Coincidentally, when I got the email for this post, I happened to be reading a Reddit AMA about a *nonconsensual* nonconsent interaction, i.e. an AMA with a rapist. They describe their inner thoughts in significant detail.
https://www.unddit.com/r/IAmA/comments/d3n73/i_am_a_convicted_rapist_released_one_year_ago/
Interestingly, they don't think that they'd be turned on by BDSM or consensual nonconsent roleplay like this. For them it needed to *actually* be nonconsensual.
Nice post. Ive been using wristbands since 2011.
Location..parking is an issue always. Trying to keep the airbnb rental low key with the neighbors is difficult when there are 50 cars parked on the street. Lol
Typically i will have 3 event monitors roaming the event making sure folks are following instructions. Sucks for them no play. And having a clean up crew helps so much!
One way to try and clear up confusion is when issuing out wrist bands, you read the rules and instructions to the guests one by one. Yes it is timely, but in the end everyone will have heard the instructions. This is a better way than assuming that folks actually read..most folks skim. Image characters with the wristband also helps those folks who tune out words. And makes connecting the action to the color. Takes just a min to create this and then laminate them and place into a party folder. Which you use for the events.
Good post. Dont worry about others and lowering any barriers. Pish posh.
This is super interesting! This post in conjunction with your “Women prefer more violent porn (and other data)” post raise a few questions for me.
It seems that pre-puberty, playing games with high physical contact between players is super common, and widely considered fun. Games like “Red Rover” (one player runs full speed into the arms of opposing players, then attempts to fight their way through while the opposing team holds them back), “Sharks and Lifeguards” (children sit around the perimeter of a parachute with their legs extended beneath, while “shark” children under the parachute grab their ankles and attempt to drag them under, and “lifeguard” children walking around the outside attempt to drag them back to safety), and a game I learned from Israeli counselors at a summer camp that I think they called something like “pisu kim” (one player tries to physically restrain another from taking a vacant seat across the circle, always resulting in extended wrestling matches and intense struggle), and a few more come to mind, all of which were co-ed. It seems that when we’re children, we have no issue with accepting the joy that comes from the adrenaline rush of attempting to physically escape from and/or restrain someone else. Once we hit puberty, though, we seem to become hyperaware of our body’s sexual capacities, and abandon casual physical contact, relegating lesser, far more controlled versions of that type of activity to private bedrooms with highly vetted romantic partners. The type of physical struggle dynamic we once practiced openly in public without batting an eye becomes a sexual fetish carrying at least some degree of stigma in most communities.
It would be interesting to know if the people who enjoyed high physical contact games in childhood are more prone to pursuing that dynamic with sexual partners in adulthood (CNC), or if an adulthood affinity for sexual struggle is completely independent from a childhood affinity for non-sexual, high physical contact games. It would also be really interesting to know if those preferring to be in the role of aggressor in CNC also preferred being the aggressor in childhood high physical contact games, and vice versa. It makes me wonder if the rise in testosterone and estrogen experienced by adolescents plays a significant role in pushing CNC-prone individuals into aggressor and receiver categories, respectively, or if the gender split has more to do with societal gender norms. After reading your “Women prefer more violent porn (and other data)” post, I would guess society plays a far more minor role than some may assume, because people tend to watch porn that gets them off, not porn that they think society thinks they should get off to (if that makes any sense lol). Since when no one is watching, women tend to gravitate more toward aggression against women than men do, it makes me think women’s preferred role of “receiver” is related to biological wiring (which makes sense when you think about sex and evolution, and how male aggressor/female receiver is more likely to result in a child than the reverse). It makes me wonder if high physical contact games remained common and widely practiced through adolescence and adulthood, would that satisfy our attraction to that dynamic, and reduce consumption of violent porn? Who knows, maybe it would show us how much we enjoy that dynamic, and boost our consumption of violent porn. Anyway, I love your posts! Thanks for always giving me interesting things to think about
Storagetreasures.com
It's practically a law that every storage unit that goes up for auction have at least 2 mattresses in it, and a lot of times you can pick up mattress heavy units for $10. Obviously you'll need to do some cleaning and like, but after you put a waterproof mattress cover and some sheets on them they're great for an event like this.
I'm curious as to the dynamics of receiving for straight men. Are there enough women aggressors available to ravage the more sub male receivers? I know there's often a misbalance like this in other contexts.
I assume the thrill that people get from ignoring "no" is not due to the phonetics of the word itself, but due to the meaning it has in broader society, and the brain's failure to properly reassign that meaning in the context of the orgy. As such, I'd be curious whether, if someone goes to several of these, they start losing that thrill, as their unconscious mind comes to learn that "no" doesn't actually mean anything in this context.
If so, you could probably fix this by rotating safewords? Run several events in a row with the same safeword, let people come to unconsciously learn that it's meaningful, then switch to a new safeword and people can get a thrill out of ignoring the old one.
If you end up gathering any data on this, I'd love to see it.
Have you considered joining the Bonobo network? It’s a poly/kink community that regularly throws events, many of which are at an extremely convenient venue in the East Bay (lots of mattresses, large multi-person shower, etc.). As a member myself, I would LOVE to attend a party like this!
Can you tell us more about the experience that led you to believe that women not getting properly rattled was worse than guys having to wait a bit?
+1 for glowstick wristbands.
Glowstick wristbands are used at gay sex clubs during "blackout" events where lights are off or very low. These events are VERY popular (like literally full to fire code capacity) and it's definitely because the glowstick is the easiest possible way to identify partners without asking strangers about their preferences. A two color glowstick system would be even easier for sure, considering some of these events actually have up to four color codes.
This is the best way to unburden yourself from fear rejection. I only have learned about ncn very recently and red about it a little but this writing blew my mind I would call this an equitable sex where everyone safely gets the level of aggression they want. Thanks you for this writing Aella I found you through Lex Freedman podcast and now I follow you across platforms including fetlife I am happy to know about you.
>it’s possible they hadn’t read through the original invitation, and maybe had some important texts to respond to when we were going over all the rules in the opening circle, and thus weren’t paying attention?
Hypothesis: if you used similar phrasing in your briefing as you did in this post, maybe they simply didn't understand what they were getting into, and they "skimmed" over words like "agressors" and "non-consent" until faced with the aweful realization of what was going to happen.
Also, legally, how does it work? Can a signed paper really protect you from an unhappy participant's lawsuit?
Thank you for sharing such thorough information!
As an immunocompromised person I have to ask, how did you navigate COVID precautions and safety for this event?
I think that the ratio of 1:1 (one receiver to one aggressor) should work fine as long as everyone is in good enough fitness level to be able to deliver with an intensity equal to the person you're playing with. Rather than having 2:3 and the risking disappointment from either side