The right writing presenting itself at the right time. I’m in a cave grieving. I’m hoping therapy helps me grieve. It certainly feels endless. Thanks Aella for writing this.
Basically, I think a lot of people might parse the post as poetic or hyperbolic, but it’s actually a straightforward and literal account that has incredible value in being taken seriously
This is a brief comment on your style. I confess I find your writing difficult to follow. As well-written as it is, the human brain can only read so much without looking for an issue, question, or frame of reference in order to process what follows. It is writer-centric rather than reader centric. I think your writing would be so much more compelling if you provide a frame of reference near the beginning. Less people would give up or struggle to understand what you are saying. Our brains look for meaning and it is sometimes difficult to ascertain when writing meanders without a roadmap. My two cents as a professional writer.
Hi Jon. I’m also a professional writer. (I wouldn’t normally play that card, but, as you played it, I can see that card has value to you.) My books are published in 37 languages. I once won what was, at the time, the biggest prize in the world for a single short story. I wrote the ending to the computer game Minecraft. And so on.
Your bio says you are a lawyer, and I think that may be a clue to your misunderstanding of what Aella is doing here. Your critique would be correct, and useful, if what she was attempting to write here was classic self-help advice in the modern style; simple, direct, clearly explained IKEA assembly instructions for the soul.
But this is writing in a totally different tradition; it’s visionary writing, in the tradition of William Blake – or perhaps a more accurate comparison would be with Carl Jung’s writing in The Red Book, where he wrote about his dreams, his visions, his sufferings – and his strange routes through those sufferings and out the other side.
Such writing isn’t quite writer-centric (though I do understand that it will read that way, if you go in expecting standard self-help advice). It is in fact soul-centric: her soul, and yours. It is not addressing your logical mind: your lawyer-mind. And so, understandably, your lawyer-mind
feels confused, or neglected; in some way left out of the conversation. (Because it has been! The feeling is not entirely unjustified!) And it instructs you to write a comment such as you wrote.
But there is more to you than “lawyer” – even though that is the single word you use in your Substack bio to describe the sprawling subterranean fungal jungle of your self. And those other parts of you stir, now and again, far beneath your lawyerly surface, and yearn for sunlight. Yearn to be seen, to be heard, to be understood. Yearn perhaps to act in the world.
Which is why you find yourself here, on Aella’s site, strangely attracted and strangely repulsed, pushing her insights away, because you can feel their pull.
I have a recommendation for you, which I think might help change your life in ways that you will ultimately be grateful for. Do it right now (even if you feel a little lawyerly resistance). Buy John Higgs’ book, William Blake vs the World, and actually read it.
If a whole book feels like too much of an imposition on your time, then instead read Higgs’ much shorter (essay-length) book, William Blake Now: Why He Matters More Than Ever. That essay contains the gist of the argument from which I believe you will benefit.
This is serious advice, and you should take it seriously. You clearly want to change your life but don’t know how. You’re stuck. This will help you get unstuck.
And good luck…
Oh, one last thing. You will feel conflicted about taking this advice. Why the hell should I buy a book, and read it, on the advice of a stranger in the comments on a website I don’t even fully approve of! No problem. Feel the conflict and do it anyway.
Aella is not an easy read. She tries to be accurate about feelings without being remote. That's not a common style. One extreme is the usual "10 ways to" article, dispensing bland wisdom as instructional clickbait. That job can now be outsourced to large language model AI systems. The other extreme is someone pouring out their agony or enthusiasm with no internal censor. In the hands of a small number of great writers, something worth reading comes out. The rest of the time, it comes across as either whiny or fanboy. Especially when the subject is sex or drugs.
Aella takes on the hard questions, such as "what do women want?", and "What is happiness?". She makes real progress on them. That's an achievement. Most writers on those subjects just emit platitudes, often concealed in elaborate verbiage.
Your last quotation is precisely the reason for my comment. Aella has enough people wanting to stroke her ego that there is nothing wrong or condescending to have a subjective opinion that is coming from a place of constructive criticism. I am an artist in my own right and my comment had nothing to do with logic. It is neuroscientific the way many people process and learn information. I accept many people like to spend lots of their time reading before knowing what the subject matter is about. I am not one of them and I cannot be the only one.
My reaction is that I’ve felt like this underpins everything I’ve read be Aella. Sometimes it’s closer to her surface, other times it so deep that it barely causes a ripple on the surface.
To you Aella, I wonder if your deconstructed evangelical faith is part of your depth. Even if you’ve left or lost your faith, as I have, I believe you have some foundational understanding that there is truth about humanity and our relationship to a spiritual “it” in the faith we lost.
The clarity of this writing leaves me feeling incredibly seen. Another person who is having such a parallel experience! I don't know many people who have been here. Do you? I'm moved and profoundly fascinated.
This speaks to a state I have spent a large portion of my life in, but I find no joy. Rather my self keels towards death. "If I am all of these things then death is appropriate, if life doesn't matter for me than I should die." One professional has said have major depression, I think this is true but also it feels like part of me is fundamentally broken. Perhaps it's because I don't believe that right to exist for myself is a given. Rather than accept, I question my fundamental right to be. Perhaps that believe was broken from me in my childhood. I've certainly haven't had it for the majority of my life.
In this I live my life pressed into a corner, cowering from the sharp edge of my own mind. Yet I still reach out, as I do love people. I've grown very good at not drawing the caverns pull, but still I mess up. Still in moments of quiet the current into the cave takes me and I become undone. All sense of self and identity devolves. I devest myself and all my hopes to death.
I love this post, I feel like I had something to do with it existing, lol!!
This is exactly what I would say, was I articulate enough to clearly describe the kind of process my life has been going through. Thank you for this genuine writing!
Reading posts back to back on How To Fuck Good and Narrative Account of Applied Stoicism is why I love this blog
This caused my body to shake involuntarily in the same way that deep meditative experiences or hallucinogenics can. Beautifully written.
The right writing presenting itself at the right time. I’m in a cave grieving. I’m hoping therapy helps me grieve. It certainly feels endless. Thanks Aella for writing this.
Loved it! just recently reflected on my desire to be liked by others and was made aware by my insecurities this came at the exact right time.
I don't know if people realize how _it_ this is
What does this mean?
Basically, I think a lot of people might parse the post as poetic or hyperbolic, but it’s actually a straightforward and literal account that has incredible value in being taken seriously
Classic
Time to go spelunking
This is a brief comment on your style. I confess I find your writing difficult to follow. As well-written as it is, the human brain can only read so much without looking for an issue, question, or frame of reference in order to process what follows. It is writer-centric rather than reader centric. I think your writing would be so much more compelling if you provide a frame of reference near the beginning. Less people would give up or struggle to understand what you are saying. Our brains look for meaning and it is sometimes difficult to ascertain when writing meanders without a roadmap. My two cents as a professional writer.
Hi Jon. I’m also a professional writer. (I wouldn’t normally play that card, but, as you played it, I can see that card has value to you.) My books are published in 37 languages. I once won what was, at the time, the biggest prize in the world for a single short story. I wrote the ending to the computer game Minecraft. And so on.
Your bio says you are a lawyer, and I think that may be a clue to your misunderstanding of what Aella is doing here. Your critique would be correct, and useful, if what she was attempting to write here was classic self-help advice in the modern style; simple, direct, clearly explained IKEA assembly instructions for the soul.
But this is writing in a totally different tradition; it’s visionary writing, in the tradition of William Blake – or perhaps a more accurate comparison would be with Carl Jung’s writing in The Red Book, where he wrote about his dreams, his visions, his sufferings – and his strange routes through those sufferings and out the other side.
Such writing isn’t quite writer-centric (though I do understand that it will read that way, if you go in expecting standard self-help advice). It is in fact soul-centric: her soul, and yours. It is not addressing your logical mind: your lawyer-mind. And so, understandably, your lawyer-mind
feels confused, or neglected; in some way left out of the conversation. (Because it has been! The feeling is not entirely unjustified!) And it instructs you to write a comment such as you wrote.
But there is more to you than “lawyer” – even though that is the single word you use in your Substack bio to describe the sprawling subterranean fungal jungle of your self. And those other parts of you stir, now and again, far beneath your lawyerly surface, and yearn for sunlight. Yearn to be seen, to be heard, to be understood. Yearn perhaps to act in the world.
Which is why you find yourself here, on Aella’s site, strangely attracted and strangely repulsed, pushing her insights away, because you can feel their pull.
I have a recommendation for you, which I think might help change your life in ways that you will ultimately be grateful for. Do it right now (even if you feel a little lawyerly resistance). Buy John Higgs’ book, William Blake vs the World, and actually read it.
If a whole book feels like too much of an imposition on your time, then instead read Higgs’ much shorter (essay-length) book, William Blake Now: Why He Matters More Than Ever. That essay contains the gist of the argument from which I believe you will benefit.
This is serious advice, and you should take it seriously. You clearly want to change your life but don’t know how. You’re stuck. This will help you get unstuck.
And good luck…
Oh, one last thing. You will feel conflicted about taking this advice. Why the hell should I buy a book, and read it, on the advice of a stranger in the comments on a website I don’t even fully approve of! No problem. Feel the conflict and do it anyway.
“Without Contraries is no progression.”
Aella is not an easy read. She tries to be accurate about feelings without being remote. That's not a common style. One extreme is the usual "10 ways to" article, dispensing bland wisdom as instructional clickbait. That job can now be outsourced to large language model AI systems. The other extreme is someone pouring out their agony or enthusiasm with no internal censor. In the hands of a small number of great writers, something worth reading comes out. The rest of the time, it comes across as either whiny or fanboy. Especially when the subject is sex or drugs.
Aella takes on the hard questions, such as "what do women want?", and "What is happiness?". She makes real progress on them. That's an achievement. Most writers on those subjects just emit platitudes, often concealed in elaborate verbiage.
Your last quotation is precisely the reason for my comment. Aella has enough people wanting to stroke her ego that there is nothing wrong or condescending to have a subjective opinion that is coming from a place of constructive criticism. I am an artist in my own right and my comment had nothing to do with logic. It is neuroscientific the way many people process and learn information. I accept many people like to spend lots of their time reading before knowing what the subject matter is about. I am not one of them and I cannot be the only one.
Fewer*
Come for the sex stay for the philosophy. You are a deep thinker Aella.
My reaction is that I’ve felt like this underpins everything I’ve read be Aella. Sometimes it’s closer to her surface, other times it so deep that it barely causes a ripple on the surface.
To you Aella, I wonder if your deconstructed evangelical faith is part of your depth. Even if you’ve left or lost your faith, as I have, I believe you have some foundational understanding that there is truth about humanity and our relationship to a spiritual “it” in the faith we lost.
Beautifully written!
Worrying too much is destructive, sure. But worrying the right amount builds you into a better person.
This was profoundly beautiful. Thank you for sharing.
The clarity of this writing leaves me feeling incredibly seen. Another person who is having such a parallel experience! I don't know many people who have been here. Do you? I'm moved and profoundly fascinated.
This speaks to a state I have spent a large portion of my life in, but I find no joy. Rather my self keels towards death. "If I am all of these things then death is appropriate, if life doesn't matter for me than I should die." One professional has said have major depression, I think this is true but also it feels like part of me is fundamentally broken. Perhaps it's because I don't believe that right to exist for myself is a given. Rather than accept, I question my fundamental right to be. Perhaps that believe was broken from me in my childhood. I've certainly haven't had it for the majority of my life.
In this I live my life pressed into a corner, cowering from the sharp edge of my own mind. Yet I still reach out, as I do love people. I've grown very good at not drawing the caverns pull, but still I mess up. Still in moments of quiet the current into the cave takes me and I become undone. All sense of self and identity devolves. I devest myself and all my hopes to death.
Beautiful.
I love this post, I feel like I had something to do with it existing, lol!!
This is exactly what I would say, was I articulate enough to clearly describe the kind of process my life has been going through. Thank you for this genuine writing!