The right writing presenting itself at the right time. I’m in a cave grieving. I’m hoping therapy helps me grieve. It certainly feels endless. Thanks Aella for writing this.
"Pleasure is great, but pain is increased surface area with which to touch others; this is a unique, brutal gift of intimacy."
You've expressed this sentiment previously, but it really hits viscerally in this framing. It's like being able to give a bigger, deeper hug to someone (not literally though, ofc, we don't want that)
My question is this: how do you truly navigate "all that could be" so you know you'll be OK with it? I feel like mental ruminations themselves are hit and miss, often leading to what your friend experienced and what anxious spirals are made of. Is it psychedelics? Do they enable you to really feel those worlds by making you "actually" go through what it would be like to inhabit them, and the eventual sobriety presenting the "relief" of being back in your world, letting you know you'll be OK? How else can we do it?
This is a brief comment on your style. I confess I find your writing difficult to follow. As well-written as it is, the human brain can only read so much without looking for an issue, question, or frame of reference in order to process what follows. It is writer-centric rather than reader centric. I think your writing would be so much more compelling if you provide a frame of reference near the beginning. Less people would give up or struggle to understand what you are saying. Our brains look for meaning and it is sometimes difficult to ascertain when writing meanders without a roadmap. My two cents as a professional writer.
My reaction is that I’ve felt like this underpins everything I’ve read be Aella. Sometimes it’s closer to her surface, other times it so deep that it barely causes a ripple on the surface.
To you Aella, I wonder if your deconstructed evangelical faith is part of your depth. Even if you’ve left or lost your faith, as I have, I believe you have some foundational understanding that there is truth about humanity and our relationship to a spiritual “it” in the faith we lost.
The clarity of this writing leaves me feeling incredibly seen. Another person who is having such a parallel experience! I don't know many people who have been here. Do you? I'm moved and profoundly fascinated.
This speaks to a state I have spent a large portion of my life in, but I find no joy. Rather my self keels towards death. "If I am all of these things then death is appropriate, if life doesn't matter for me than I should die." One professional has said have major depression, I think this is true but also it feels like part of me is fundamentally broken. Perhaps it's because I don't believe that right to exist for myself is a given. Rather than accept, I question my fundamental right to be. Perhaps that believe was broken from me in my childhood. I've certainly haven't had it for the majority of my life.
In this I live my life pressed into a corner, cowering from the sharp edge of my own mind. Yet I still reach out, as I do love people. I've grown very good at not drawing the caverns pull, but still I mess up. Still in moments of quiet the current into the cave takes me and I become undone. All sense of self and identity devolves. I devest myself and all my hopes to death.
Reading posts back to back on How To Fuck Good and Narrative Account of Applied Stoicism is why I love this blog
This caused my body to shake involuntarily in the same way that deep meditative experiences or hallucinogenics can. Beautifully written.
The right writing presenting itself at the right time. I’m in a cave grieving. I’m hoping therapy helps me grieve. It certainly feels endless. Thanks Aella for writing this.
Loved it! just recently reflected on my desire to be liked by others and was made aware by my insecurities this came at the exact right time.
I don't know if people realize how _it_ this is
Time to go spelunking
I'm so moved by reading this.
"Pleasure is great, but pain is increased surface area with which to touch others; this is a unique, brutal gift of intimacy."
You've expressed this sentiment previously, but it really hits viscerally in this framing. It's like being able to give a bigger, deeper hug to someone (not literally though, ofc, we don't want that)
My question is this: how do you truly navigate "all that could be" so you know you'll be OK with it? I feel like mental ruminations themselves are hit and miss, often leading to what your friend experienced and what anxious spirals are made of. Is it psychedelics? Do they enable you to really feel those worlds by making you "actually" go through what it would be like to inhabit them, and the eventual sobriety presenting the "relief" of being back in your world, letting you know you'll be OK? How else can we do it?
This is a brief comment on your style. I confess I find your writing difficult to follow. As well-written as it is, the human brain can only read so much without looking for an issue, question, or frame of reference in order to process what follows. It is writer-centric rather than reader centric. I think your writing would be so much more compelling if you provide a frame of reference near the beginning. Less people would give up or struggle to understand what you are saying. Our brains look for meaning and it is sometimes difficult to ascertain when writing meanders without a roadmap. My two cents as a professional writer.
Come for the sex stay for the philosophy. You are a deep thinker Aella.
My reaction is that I’ve felt like this underpins everything I’ve read be Aella. Sometimes it’s closer to her surface, other times it so deep that it barely causes a ripple on the surface.
To you Aella, I wonder if your deconstructed evangelical faith is part of your depth. Even if you’ve left or lost your faith, as I have, I believe you have some foundational understanding that there is truth about humanity and our relationship to a spiritual “it” in the faith we lost.
Beautifully written!
Worrying too much is destructive, sure. But worrying the right amount builds you into a better person.
This was profoundly beautiful. Thank you for sharing.
The clarity of this writing leaves me feeling incredibly seen. Another person who is having such a parallel experience! I don't know many people who have been here. Do you? I'm moved and profoundly fascinated.
This speaks to a state I have spent a large portion of my life in, but I find no joy. Rather my self keels towards death. "If I am all of these things then death is appropriate, if life doesn't matter for me than I should die." One professional has said have major depression, I think this is true but also it feels like part of me is fundamentally broken. Perhaps it's because I don't believe that right to exist for myself is a given. Rather than accept, I question my fundamental right to be. Perhaps that believe was broken from me in my childhood. I've certainly haven't had it for the majority of my life.
In this I live my life pressed into a corner, cowering from the sharp edge of my own mind. Yet I still reach out, as I do love people. I've grown very good at not drawing the caverns pull, but still I mess up. Still in moments of quiet the current into the cave takes me and I become undone. All sense of self and identity devolves. I devest myself and all my hopes to death.
Beautiful.