I just really like the analogy of shoes for relationships. When you try a really awesome-looking shoes on in the store, they might feel okay. You walk around, and it seems fine? There’s a slight pinch in the right toe but
I think the problem with this metaphor is that you're implying that romantic relationships are a intrinsic part of life, and therefore not being part of one for a long time is akin to going around barefoot or even having a disability, which is a pretty harmful belief considering that "romantic love" isn't really a thing in human nature but rather a myth rooted in religion and patriarchal subjugation of women, it's actually kinda ironic that prostitution abolitionists say that sex work is always the most pervasive form of violence against women while conveniently overlooking that for all of human story married women were basically chattel slaves and the vast majority of cases of gender violence happen within romantic relationships. Romantic relationships are a lot more about power than they are about "love", much like religion itself, and pointing out how human sexuality actually works in a way that contradicts the ideals of romance is often treated like blasphemy.
Not sure I agree with everything you said, but I do think what you said makes shoes a perfect metaphor! Shoes are in fact an unnatural societal expectation that have become so normal to you that you see not having them as strange!
Again, you gotta admit that setting the precedence that not being in a romantic relationship is "strange" and makes you an "incomplete" person is kind of dangerous, for reasons that should be obvious.
While I understood this analogy when I read it, something felt off.
It's like there's some kind of uncanny valley with it. All the parts look right and fit neatly together, but there's something missing that causes the intuition to bristle (enough that it got some free rent in my head for a day or so).
The problem is every experiential reason I could think of as to why the metaphor doesn't fully intuit nonetheless resulted in it rotating into position with marginal effort. Be a pickier shopper. Inoculate one's self against the razzle-dazzle of the store and fashion expectations. Give up shopping for shoes, only to find a great pair at the grocery store a week later. Steal someone else's shoes.
The only common thread I can think of between them is some sort of impulse to scream, "Fuck shoe stores!". Maybe it's that there is already unnecessary rigidity in how society generally defines relationships that also carries through to the metaphor. And it is that rigidity which needs to be rejected, which is why the metaphor chafes.
The thing that felt off to me is that with shoes, you don't have to worry that the shoes will spontaneously remove themselves from your feet once you've put them on... by putting shoes on, you're *entitled* to be shod until you take them off, and the only fear you have to have is that the shoes will be uncomfortable. And so the shoe metaphor entirely glosses over what is for me the primary concern with any kind of long term relationship... that I will become accustomed to its availability, and when I need it most it will decide to suddenly disappear and leave my now-uncalloused feet aching on the stony ground.
Counterpoint: I have definitely worn shoes like that, usually casual flipflops that break at the strap and fly off your foot. And that describes a relationship I had in uni, too - I mean, I wasn't exactly expecting protection or anything significant. They're flip flops, easy to slip into, but are guaranteed to hurt your feet if you do more than just pace around the house in them, so I was never gonna stay in those long term. Still sucked when they broke abruptly and I ended up very unexpectedly barefoot!
You could also be deceived - they looked like sensible canvas shoes at the store, but you tripped over a rock and the entire sole ripped off. But hopefully, most shoes / relationships in the world aren't like that.
As a sentient millipede, I'm somewhat confused by this post. If I take off a pair of shoes, I won't be barefoot. I'll just walk on my remaining shoe-ed feet. It still hurts because I have to adjust my gait and put more weight on my other feet. But as long as I have my other shoes to support me, taking off one pair isn't nearly as bad as what you describe.
As someone who recently got out of a long term relationship after over a year of incessantly worrying whether I should continue with it or not, this hits close to home. These days I tend to think people should just try lots of pairs of shoes - it’s the only way to find a pair that you know truly stands out.
And everyone seems to have endless advice about shoes. Most people offer shoe advice based on their specific feet, insisting that it is generalizable, save for the few experts who have seen enough different kinds of feet to seemingly offer actually generalizable shoe advice. This seems wonderful until the recommendation that you get from your physical therapist is directly contradicted by the proprietor of the running shoe store. Both parties seem to have very specific, yet contradictory, things to say about your feet. Confused and also already prone to distrusting authority, you instead try to run your own n=1 study. First you look at the wear patterns on many old pairs of shoes to form a hypothesis. You buy two shoes on opposite ends of the spectrum and keep meticulous records, collecting reams of qualitative and quantitative data. A year later you have finally concluded your experiment. Yay! You’re finally ready to settle on one pair. Except both pairs have been exhausted by your clinical trial and now refuse to be tied. Your physical therapist still thinks your problem actually lies in your hips.
Damn, lovely winding metaphor, but I thought there was going to be a permanent solution at the end that was going to fix and render the rest of my relationship life problem free. Maybe in the next post?
This metaphor is fascinating to me. My universal experience with shoes is they're always super uncomfortable and I hate them at the store, and I only buy them because the old ones have completely ceased to function at all. The new shoes are hideously uncomfortable for a few months and then they're broken in and basically fine. After that I don't think about them at all until they start falling apart..
For what it is worth, I have found New Balance shoes to be the least restrictive for wide feet. Not sure how helpful shoe advice over the internet could possibly be, but could be something to try!
Interesting analogy, although I tend to find that shoes are never so uncomfortable as when you are trying them on in the store. As you wear them, you get used to them and the rough spots tend to get worn in, which is also how I think relationships work.
Releasing and admiting that maybe you are the problem is a huge step in fixing the problem and yeah, it socks, it's difficult and csn be hard to bear. However realise also that your problem probably, almost definately is lot your fault, instead created quite probably by early advarse childhood conditions and/ or Trauma to some degree. So likewise don't go blaming yourself! Dig deep my friends, the answers are there and with the answers lie the solutions and with the solutions is a nicely fitting, nearly perfect pair of shoes, that work good enough because nothing will be perfect. Take care friends and enjoy the walk, whereever it may take you. Much Love 🥰
Sorry, I made a couple of stupid typos. Socks should be sucks, csn should be can and lot should be not and advarse should be adverse. An editing function on comments would be handy for dyslexics like Samsung
Nicely written. I do wonder if some people are just better off without anyone. Either for their sakes or others' (or maybe both!)
For my part I was always afraid of getting wiped out in a divorce.
Hey, did you ever do the factor analysis on the everything survey? I thought the eight archetypes (the prepper, the freaky geek, the professor lady, etc.) were really neat and would have liked to see how they were generated from the three axes.
Good metaphor. Only two problems. 1. A shoemaker could help you with the shoe, but the relationship would require a psychologist, and that's never worked for me. 2. All shoes require breaking in. Don't try to go too far the first time you wear them. Does that work for relationships?
“You can’t really know someone until you’ve walked a mile in their shoes.” (Head nod) Touché on that connection, that was such a treat to read, thank you for sharing! Now my shoes are looking like Brody counts to me. . obsessive shoe collecting and dropping is starting to look very sus to me..😏
I think the problem with this metaphor is that you're implying that romantic relationships are a intrinsic part of life, and therefore not being part of one for a long time is akin to going around barefoot or even having a disability, which is a pretty harmful belief considering that "romantic love" isn't really a thing in human nature but rather a myth rooted in religion and patriarchal subjugation of women, it's actually kinda ironic that prostitution abolitionists say that sex work is always the most pervasive form of violence against women while conveniently overlooking that for all of human story married women were basically chattel slaves and the vast majority of cases of gender violence happen within romantic relationships. Romantic relationships are a lot more about power than they are about "love", much like religion itself, and pointing out how human sexuality actually works in a way that contradicts the ideals of romance is often treated like blasphemy.
Not sure I agree with everything you said, but I do think what you said makes shoes a perfect metaphor! Shoes are in fact an unnatural societal expectation that have become so normal to you that you see not having them as strange!
Again, you gotta admit that setting the precedence that not being in a romantic relationship is "strange" and makes you an "incomplete" person is kind of dangerous, for reasons that should be obvious.
"Patriarchal suppression of women?"
Dude, you'd better schedule a testosterone replacement therapy appointment, ASAP. Don't delay any longer.
Relationships *are* an intrinsic part of life...
While I understood this analogy when I read it, something felt off.
It's like there's some kind of uncanny valley with it. All the parts look right and fit neatly together, but there's something missing that causes the intuition to bristle (enough that it got some free rent in my head for a day or so).
The problem is every experiential reason I could think of as to why the metaphor doesn't fully intuit nonetheless resulted in it rotating into position with marginal effort. Be a pickier shopper. Inoculate one's self against the razzle-dazzle of the store and fashion expectations. Give up shopping for shoes, only to find a great pair at the grocery store a week later. Steal someone else's shoes.
The only common thread I can think of between them is some sort of impulse to scream, "Fuck shoe stores!". Maybe it's that there is already unnecessary rigidity in how society generally defines relationships that also carries through to the metaphor. And it is that rigidity which needs to be rejected, which is why the metaphor chafes.
The thing that felt off to me is that with shoes, you don't have to worry that the shoes will spontaneously remove themselves from your feet once you've put them on... by putting shoes on, you're *entitled* to be shod until you take them off, and the only fear you have to have is that the shoes will be uncomfortable. And so the shoe metaphor entirely glosses over what is for me the primary concern with any kind of long term relationship... that I will become accustomed to its availability, and when I need it most it will decide to suddenly disappear and leave my now-uncalloused feet aching on the stony ground.
Counterpoint: I have definitely worn shoes like that, usually casual flipflops that break at the strap and fly off your foot. And that describes a relationship I had in uni, too - I mean, I wasn't exactly expecting protection or anything significant. They're flip flops, easy to slip into, but are guaranteed to hurt your feet if you do more than just pace around the house in them, so I was never gonna stay in those long term. Still sucked when they broke abruptly and I ended up very unexpectedly barefoot!
You could also be deceived - they looked like sensible canvas shoes at the store, but you tripped over a rock and the entire sole ripped off. But hopefully, most shoes / relationships in the world aren't like that.
And they left off the part where you take off the shoes, only for them to start kicking you.
As a sentient millipede, I'm somewhat confused by this post. If I take off a pair of shoes, I won't be barefoot. I'll just walk on my remaining shoe-ed feet. It still hurts because I have to adjust my gait and put more weight on my other feet. But as long as I have my other shoes to support me, taking off one pair isn't nearly as bad as what you describe.
That would be quite the polyamory. From what I've seen most poly people just have two or three. ;)
the poly crest: a millipede rampant
"But as long as I have my other shoes to support me, taking off one pair isn't nearly as bad as what you describe."
Hasn't been my experience. :(
Just buy a more expensive pair and it won't hurt your feet.
As someone who recently got out of a long term relationship after over a year of incessantly worrying whether I should continue with it or not, this hits close to home. These days I tend to think people should just try lots of pairs of shoes - it’s the only way to find a pair that you know truly stands out.
But at what cost?
As someone who is married to a woman who makes her living as a shoe designer, this analogy really fits.
And everyone seems to have endless advice about shoes. Most people offer shoe advice based on their specific feet, insisting that it is generalizable, save for the few experts who have seen enough different kinds of feet to seemingly offer actually generalizable shoe advice. This seems wonderful until the recommendation that you get from your physical therapist is directly contradicted by the proprietor of the running shoe store. Both parties seem to have very specific, yet contradictory, things to say about your feet. Confused and also already prone to distrusting authority, you instead try to run your own n=1 study. First you look at the wear patterns on many old pairs of shoes to form a hypothesis. You buy two shoes on opposite ends of the spectrum and keep meticulous records, collecting reams of qualitative and quantitative data. A year later you have finally concluded your experiment. Yay! You’re finally ready to settle on one pair. Except both pairs have been exhausted by your clinical trial and now refuse to be tied. Your physical therapist still thinks your problem actually lies in your hips.
Damn, lovely winding metaphor, but I thought there was going to be a permanent solution at the end that was going to fix and render the rest of my relationship life problem free. Maybe in the next post?
This metaphor is fascinating to me. My universal experience with shoes is they're always super uncomfortable and I hate them at the store, and I only buy them because the old ones have completely ceased to function at all. The new shoes are hideously uncomfortable for a few months and then they're broken in and basically fine. After that I don't think about them at all until they start falling apart..
Do you have wide feet? 😅 Over covid I stopped putting up with narrow shoes and gosh it has been life changing
I think so. I do frequently end up finding the shoes marked as W are a better fit. Still uncomfortable at first though.
For what it is worth, I have found New Balance shoes to be the least restrictive for wide feet. Not sure how helpful shoe advice over the internet could possibly be, but could be something to try!
Sounds like Churches. I still have the pair I got married in and they’re still uncomfortable.
Interesting analogy, although I tend to find that shoes are never so uncomfortable as when you are trying them on in the store. As you wear them, you get used to them and the rough spots tend to get worn in, which is also how I think relationships work.
The shoe analogy has gone too far and too long. I couldn’t read the article, just skimmed through.
I've never had a problem with shoes, but a million failed relationships later. I've realised it's not the shoes. It must be my feet 😅
Releasing and admiting that maybe you are the problem is a huge step in fixing the problem and yeah, it socks, it's difficult and csn be hard to bear. However realise also that your problem probably, almost definately is lot your fault, instead created quite probably by early advarse childhood conditions and/ or Trauma to some degree. So likewise don't go blaming yourself! Dig deep my friends, the answers are there and with the answers lie the solutions and with the solutions is a nicely fitting, nearly perfect pair of shoes, that work good enough because nothing will be perfect. Take care friends and enjoy the walk, whereever it may take you. Much Love 🥰
"yeah, it socks"
Freudian typo?
More like a Nietzsche Samsung autocorrect 🙂
I'm sure that's the case for some people, but I don't think there always has to be trauma. Some people just don't work or play well with others.
Sorry, I made a couple of stupid typos. Socks should be sucks, csn should be can and lot should be not and advarse should be adverse. An editing function on comments would be handy for dyslexics like Samsung
Nicely written. I do wonder if some people are just better off without anyone. Either for their sakes or others' (or maybe both!)
For my part I was always afraid of getting wiped out in a divorce.
Hey, did you ever do the factor analysis on the everything survey? I thought the eight archetypes (the prepper, the freaky geek, the professor lady, etc.) were really neat and would have liked to see how they were generated from the three axes.
Good metaphor. Only two problems. 1. A shoemaker could help you with the shoe, but the relationship would require a psychologist, and that's never worked for me. 2. All shoes require breaking in. Don't try to go too far the first time you wear them. Does that work for relationships?
“You can’t really know someone until you’ve walked a mile in their shoes.” (Head nod) Touché on that connection, that was such a treat to read, thank you for sharing! Now my shoes are looking like Brody counts to me. . obsessive shoe collecting and dropping is starting to look very sus to me..😏
This was so good! 🙏🏽