I’ve written before about how being an internet-visible person can be pretty stressful sometimes. e.g.: or, my personal favorite: I visualize hangups as little crooked bits, like muscle spasms, in the soul. Sometimes things are ironed out and smooth, but sometimes there’s a tangle where a part of me has seized and is trying hard to prevent further damage. I can’t see into the tangle, I just know that it’s tight and afraid.
I think and feel -- as a 77-year old still-practicing psychotherapist -- that you are doing just fine without therapy. I wish we has more people like you who are willing to undergo what life delivers with as much curiosity and gentleness towards themselves as they can muster -- and report honestly about it to boot! As therapists we're taught that no one can do certain parts of self-examination without help from another. You're not the first person I've met who has made me doubt that dictum. Thank-you for this post.
I think thinking of an author/poster as a symbol is sort of unavoidable if their voice is very unique and you've read a large amount of their work. (And I'm definitely one of those people who thinks of you as a symbol -- at Vibecamp, I asked you for a selfie, thanked you, and walked away, because I don't know how to start a conversation with someone whose biography I'm very familiar with who knows probably nothing about me).
But, if it helps, you are a profoundly positive symbol! I read your tweets/blog as a shining example of the thoughts of a person who has actually and sincerely chosen to prioritize freedom of thought and freedom of action in a way many dream of doing, but very few actually achieve. I attended your Dance Hell event and tried to channel (what I perceive to be) your energy into my motions, and I had people coming up to me the next day complimenting me on my dancing, which is not a compliment I had ever received before Vibecamp.
So thank you for being a symbol, and I'm glad to read you've found some peace in being seen as a symbol 👍
Oh, I understand it. It's a combination of a deep moral detestation of prostitution many people have (as exemplified very nicely in one of the messages she screenshots), and a very common feeling that "this person doesn't deserve this much status!"
I struggle to recall a more honest and introspective analysis that rationally breaks down irrational attacks. It has to take a great deal of effort to share these experiences and I hope that it strengthened you even more. Thank you for putting this out into the world.
Hi friend, Your bravery in unveiling yourself on Lex Fridmans podcast made me have the guts to do something similar. A year ago i recorded myself reading my most powerful poem. I shoved it away on a desktop folder due to insecure feelings and thoughts, forgetting all about it. Today i saw you on the podcast showing yourself to the world unapologetically. An hour later, I released my video to the world. I thought to tell you, as i felt you’d find that cool. Regarding the hateful messages you shared on this post, i felt it in my gut as well. These hateful people wont ever know what bravery is, i think we do.
I’m certainly more “right leaning” but agree with the right to abortion and have never taken issue with sex work. Reading those comments and emails is like reading words from extraterrestrials. I can’t understand how people are so against sex work when it’s clear that traditional marriages are such a broken set up in and of itself.
These comments you receive read like over-zealous pious folk with, in my opinion, highly antiquated views, or as someone else mentioned, is merely a greater reflection of themselves and quite possibly the hate they have for themselves.
When I was a young fundamentalist I hated myself for liking porn, and couldn't control my own urges, so I turned that hatred toward the people who make porn, fantasized about killing them, etc. I imagine it's the same for the people who loudly oppose homosexuality, etc.
So sorry you get those horrible messages and so happy you’ve figured it out-that’s some journeying and inner work. It never ceases to amaze me that people will judge something that is subjectively moral by spewing such hate that is objectively immoral in all ways to all humans...and usually basing their morals on religions that teach love. You’re a pioneer and the pioneering life is hard.
I reckon you're great, but indeed some percentage of the population just really hate women, rationalists, lefties, righties, whatever. And once you get big enough it's just a numbers game. I hope you get even better at dealing with it.
The general perception is that men hating women is more likely to escalate into some kind of particularly gruesome psycho incident while women hating men is more likely to be tolerated, excused, and/or supported.
Of course there are exceptions to this rule on both sides.
It's incredible how pervasive the sheer mysogynistic hatred of sex workers is to this day, and that without taking account state violence by US government, which is supported by both the typical nasty religious right-wingers and "feminists" who both strongly push the idea that a woman's sexuality is her whole being that she should reserve only to her male master in the sacred act of "love" (as it turns out, the whole ideal of romantic love is rooted in patriarchy, just like marriage). If I was in your place I surely wouldn't care that much what others think about me, let alone some mysogynistic morons behind a keyboard.
It came to my mind because ideals of sexual purity and morality come from the upper classes which most of the time which are mostly white and more "traditional". Also I did read from sex worker activists that as feminism began to be taken over by middle class white women it became more anti sex work and authoritarian, with one going as far as saying that it went from being about the right not be barefoot and pregnant to being more about the right to be barefoot and pregnant and receiving greater government and corporate payouts for churning out babies.
That seems unlikely to me. I'll grant that white middle class women are generally an idealistic bunch, and that the interests of women in general have always been to raise the cost of sex. But my sense of feminism is that it was initially a white middle class female phenomenon, and actually broadened away from this base over time.
If the interest of all women is to raise the cost of sex, then that's kinda ironic because it is in more patriarchal, unequal and authoritarian societies where sex is most expensive, and it is sex work coupled with more freedom (especially sexual freedom) that significantly lowers the cost of sex, otherwise we're kinda like chimps, where the higher-status males just enslave most of the females as to prevent them from mating with other chimps. if that is also the goal of feminism, then perhaps Jordan Peterson was right in saying that radical feminism secretly desires brutal patriarchal domination;
You could also say that patriarchy itself is rooted in anisogamy and altriciality, but then again I think we're supposed to do better than other primates. What I meant is that idea of romantic love, which people adhere to like religion, is an inherently patriarchal construct that accepts the notion that women are chattel property, and thus their sexuality is something they should give it only to their masters, hence why sex work is abhorrent, because they don't give sex for "love".
Those comments you received were truly vile and hateful, and you do not deserve that at all. It reflects the inner landscape of the minds of these people (as does everything for everyone). Someone spewing so much hate must be in a state of mind so hateful and hellish that their biggest victim is themselves. It's completely understandable that such words hurt a lot, but what these people are doing to their own souls in the process is far worse. Imagine having a friend, or family member or co-worker who is like this. I pity them, and feel sorry for anyone who has to cope with them. You don't deserve this.
I am very glad that you are doing better. I am chilled to the core by that hatred towards you. It is so stupid, and so *cruel*. I can't imagine it. May you find & be with people less awful—and never have to encounter these in real life.
"I made some friends more well known than me and subject to equal or more internet hate, and they seemed to have… gotten over it somehow? The hate rolled off them like they were oil, and I wanted to learn how to do this. I was glad to know it was possible, even. I asked them but they shrugged - probably they never had my flavor of tangle in the first place."
They might have shrugged even if they had the same "tangle" as you. There's a good chance that they had the same problems as you but maybe tried to put a brave face on it, or just figured that even if the online hate was bothering them, they still had to muddle through, put one foot in front of the other and just keep going.
“The only way to get over your fear is to accept that the falling is part of it. This is what it means to be elevated. You’re in a constant state of being slammed down or up depending on the room you enter, and you can’t know the direction beforehand. It took me so long to learn how to relax and enjoy the ride.”
I’m hoping to enjoy the ride at some point, I think the fear keeps me small and relatively quiet. I feel like a little foal trying to walk for the first time in a hostile barn of wild animals who shout me down when I voice an opinion. I’m transported back to being tortured by bullies in middle school (even if they only exist online now.)
I want to know if you’ve ever considered hiring an assistant who would read your replies, DMs, emails, filter them and just forward you the supportive and helpful messages? Or is that hiding and not taking accountability?
I think and feel -- as a 77-year old still-practicing psychotherapist -- that you are doing just fine without therapy. I wish we has more people like you who are willing to undergo what life delivers with as much curiosity and gentleness towards themselves as they can muster -- and report honestly about it to boot! As therapists we're taught that no one can do certain parts of self-examination without help from another. You're not the first person I've met who has made me doubt that dictum. Thank-you for this post.
I think thinking of an author/poster as a symbol is sort of unavoidable if their voice is very unique and you've read a large amount of their work. (And I'm definitely one of those people who thinks of you as a symbol -- at Vibecamp, I asked you for a selfie, thanked you, and walked away, because I don't know how to start a conversation with someone whose biography I'm very familiar with who knows probably nothing about me).
But, if it helps, you are a profoundly positive symbol! I read your tweets/blog as a shining example of the thoughts of a person who has actually and sincerely chosen to prioritize freedom of thought and freedom of action in a way many dream of doing, but very few actually achieve. I attended your Dance Hell event and tried to channel (what I perceive to be) your energy into my motions, and I had people coming up to me the next day complimenting me on my dancing, which is not a compliment I had ever received before Vibecamp.
So thank you for being a symbol, and I'm glad to read you've found some peace in being seen as a symbol 👍
this is very touching to read, thank you
I don't understand the hatred at all
You actually have interesting observations on the world and your feed is hardly sexualized in nature
Those messages are atrocious, so know that some people find you interesting on an intellectual basis
Wishing you well
Oh, I understand it. It's a combination of a deep moral detestation of prostitution many people have (as exemplified very nicely in one of the messages she screenshots), and a very common feeling that "this person doesn't deserve this much status!"
champion post homie
I struggle to recall a more honest and introspective analysis that rationally breaks down irrational attacks. It has to take a great deal of effort to share these experiences and I hope that it strengthened you even more. Thank you for putting this out into the world.
Hi friend, Your bravery in unveiling yourself on Lex Fridmans podcast made me have the guts to do something similar. A year ago i recorded myself reading my most powerful poem. I shoved it away on a desktop folder due to insecure feelings and thoughts, forgetting all about it. Today i saw you on the podcast showing yourself to the world unapologetically. An hour later, I released my video to the world. I thought to tell you, as i felt you’d find that cool. Regarding the hateful messages you shared on this post, i felt it in my gut as well. These hateful people wont ever know what bravery is, i think we do.
I’m certainly more “right leaning” but agree with the right to abortion and have never taken issue with sex work. Reading those comments and emails is like reading words from extraterrestrials. I can’t understand how people are so against sex work when it’s clear that traditional marriages are such a broken set up in and of itself.
These comments you receive read like over-zealous pious folk with, in my opinion, highly antiquated views, or as someone else mentioned, is merely a greater reflection of themselves and quite possibly the hate they have for themselves.
When I was a young fundamentalist I hated myself for liking porn, and couldn't control my own urges, so I turned that hatred toward the people who make porn, fantasized about killing them, etc. I imagine it's the same for the people who loudly oppose homosexuality, etc.
So sorry you get those horrible messages and so happy you’ve figured it out-that’s some journeying and inner work. It never ceases to amaze me that people will judge something that is subjectively moral by spewing such hate that is objectively immoral in all ways to all humans...and usually basing their morals on religions that teach love. You’re a pioneer and the pioneering life is hard.
Reading this article was like watching a time lapse of a butterfly larvae form a chrysalis, pupate and emerge as a mother-fucking Boddhisattva.
I reckon you're great, but indeed some percentage of the population just really hate women, rationalists, lefties, righties, whatever. And once you get big enough it's just a numbers game. I hope you get even better at dealing with it.
I mean ditto men in terms of hate.
Though perhaps there are more totally weirdo/stunt/hateful men overall.
The general perception is that men hating women is more likely to escalate into some kind of particularly gruesome psycho incident while women hating men is more likely to be tolerated, excused, and/or supported.
Of course there are exceptions to this rule on both sides.
What people write reflects more about them than you to be honest. It's literally a window into their psyche.
The polarisation you cause is simply a consequence of your uniqueness. And the vitriol because you're female and successful despite it.
You should keep a wall of love. Screenshots of positive comments saved in a digital album. Otherwise it's easy to forget that you have supporters too.
Be well Aella ✨
It's incredible how pervasive the sheer mysogynistic hatred of sex workers is to this day, and that without taking account state violence by US government, which is supported by both the typical nasty religious right-wingers and "feminists" who both strongly push the idea that a woman's sexuality is her whole being that she should reserve only to her male master in the sacred act of "love" (as it turns out, the whole ideal of romantic love is rooted in patriarchy, just like marriage). If I was in your place I surely wouldn't care that much what others think about me, let alone some mysogynistic morons behind a keyboard.
Sex workers reduce the cost of sex; the Sisterhood has never liked that: https://becauseimawhore.wordpress.com/an-open-letter-to-feminists/
Well, that makes sense considering that most radical feminists are married middle class white women.
How does that explain anything? My wife is a married middle class white woman; she has no problem with prostitution.
It came to my mind because ideals of sexual purity and morality come from the upper classes which most of the time which are mostly white and more "traditional". Also I did read from sex worker activists that as feminism began to be taken over by middle class white women it became more anti sex work and authoritarian, with one going as far as saying that it went from being about the right not be barefoot and pregnant to being more about the right to be barefoot and pregnant and receiving greater government and corporate payouts for churning out babies.
That seems unlikely to me. I'll grant that white middle class women are generally an idealistic bunch, and that the interests of women in general have always been to raise the cost of sex. But my sense of feminism is that it was initially a white middle class female phenomenon, and actually broadened away from this base over time.
If the interest of all women is to raise the cost of sex, then that's kinda ironic because it is in more patriarchal, unequal and authoritarian societies where sex is most expensive, and it is sex work coupled with more freedom (especially sexual freedom) that significantly lowers the cost of sex, otherwise we're kinda like chimps, where the higher-status males just enslave most of the females as to prevent them from mating with other chimps. if that is also the goal of feminism, then perhaps Jordan Peterson was right in saying that radical feminism secretly desires brutal patriarchal domination;
"as it turns out, the whole ideal of romantic love is rooted in patriarchy, just like marriage"
Isn't it rooted in anisogamy and altriciality?
You could also say that patriarchy itself is rooted in anisogamy and altriciality, but then again I think we're supposed to do better than other primates. What I meant is that idea of romantic love, which people adhere to like religion, is an inherently patriarchal construct that accepts the notion that women are chattel property, and thus their sexuality is something they should give it only to their masters, hence why sex work is abhorrent, because they don't give sex for "love".
There are actually studies that analyze how the ideals of romantic love perpetuate violence against women (relationships seems to be in fact the single major cause of gender violence), even wikipedia has an article that mentions this: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Myths_of_romantic_love#:~:text=These%20myths%20typically%20define%20romantic,%22%2C%20and%20monogamy%20is%20universal.
Those comments you received were truly vile and hateful, and you do not deserve that at all. It reflects the inner landscape of the minds of these people (as does everything for everyone). Someone spewing so much hate must be in a state of mind so hateful and hellish that their biggest victim is themselves. It's completely understandable that such words hurt a lot, but what these people are doing to their own souls in the process is far worse. Imagine having a friend, or family member or co-worker who is like this. I pity them, and feel sorry for anyone who has to cope with them. You don't deserve this.
I am very glad that you are doing better. I am chilled to the core by that hatred towards you. It is so stupid, and so *cruel*. I can't imagine it. May you find & be with people less awful—and never have to encounter these in real life.
"I made some friends more well known than me and subject to equal or more internet hate, and they seemed to have… gotten over it somehow? The hate rolled off them like they were oil, and I wanted to learn how to do this. I was glad to know it was possible, even. I asked them but they shrugged - probably they never had my flavor of tangle in the first place."
They might have shrugged even if they had the same "tangle" as you. There's a good chance that they had the same problems as you but maybe tried to put a brave face on it, or just figured that even if the online hate was bothering them, they still had to muddle through, put one foot in front of the other and just keep going.
“The only way to get over your fear is to accept that the falling is part of it. This is what it means to be elevated. You’re in a constant state of being slammed down or up depending on the room you enter, and you can’t know the direction beforehand. It took me so long to learn how to relax and enjoy the ride.”
I’m hoping to enjoy the ride at some point, I think the fear keeps me small and relatively quiet. I feel like a little foal trying to walk for the first time in a hostile barn of wild animals who shout me down when I voice an opinion. I’m transported back to being tortured by bullies in middle school (even if they only exist online now.)
I want to know if you’ve ever considered hiring an assistant who would read your replies, DMs, emails, filter them and just forward you the supportive and helpful messages? Or is that hiding and not taking accountability?