I lost my mom nearly three months ago in much the same way and am at a point now where I feel like all (most) of my tears have already poured out of me. I haven't really spoken about losing her with anyone though, so I've struggled with figuring out how I feel because of it. Reading your story helped a little, if nothing else to make me feel a little less alone. I'm deeply grateful for your generosity and candor and wish you strength and solace, wherever you may find it.
Thank you for writing this. It’s beautiful. I am a prodigal daughter of shorts too and this hit hard. I can’t share my full life with my mom because she is too reactive to everything and the gap is painful, but I know boundless love is there and has always been there. I used to feel guilty thinking of all the things I could do if my mom wasn’t alive to stress me about them when I was younger, but then quickly I realised there is no material difference, so I went ahead and did them anyway. The difference was in the distance between us, which by now is a canyon. I am so sad now when I think of how much I would like to be closer to my mother, to have her know who her daughter really is, not just who she thinks she is. Mom can only understand the aspects of my life familiar to her: that I am
single, as of yet childless, have abandoned my home and by extension her. I wish I could expand her through me, but it’s futile. I will be in so much pain when she goes which I know will be sooner than I would like it. I am glad I read your piece, despite how difficult I find it to read things that make me cry. It helped me get in touch with the feelings for mom I suppress.
Wow, I feel very similar about my relationship with my mum:
''I am so sad now when I think of how much I would like to be closer to my mother, to have her know who her daughter really is, not just who she thinks she is.''
I also feel guilty about thinking of all the things I could do and be if I didn't have to present a certain story to my parents. All of this self-imposed hiding isnt doing me any good. Never will. Yet I'm so scared to make that step out and show my true self
Often, adult children need to realise that they can never have their parents acknowledge, let alone accept or praise, their whole selves, and, really, that may be too much to ask, because it would mean expecting our parents to fundamentally change who they are to encourage who we want to become. It is wonderful when it happens, but very rare. Managing to keep the relationship warm and as close as possible without compromising your deepest hopes and dreams should be good enough. Our hopes and desires stay with us long after our parents die. Since our parents are not with us forever, and could only be the main/central part of a significantly diminished life, we are doing a disservice to their original aim to bring up a healthy and happy child, but rejecting ourselves to become who they think we should be.
You are such an interesting person. Only after reading this account did I realize how well you can write. Beautifully, movingly.
I like to say, "May her memory be a blessing," which some recently bereaved find jarring, and maybe later come to understand. You may be a rare soul for whom it's true from the start.
Been almost 2 years since I stood in the University of Utah cancer hospital with my sisters, making the same decisions. I'm sorry, and welcome to the club nobody wants to be part of but we will all join.
What a tremendously powerful and beautiful piece. Not just a tribute, but a travelogue from a journey into the Cracks in Reality. I know that place, and rarely have I heard it described with such candor and precision.
This is an extraordinary tribute. Your love is so clear and I’m so sorry for your loss. It’s a testament to the writing that your very particular grief helped me access some entirely different very particular grief — thank you.
My mother died of cancer a number of years ago now.
Like your mum, my mum fought on. As a result there were so many “this is it” moments that when the time actually arrived it seemed surreal.
It felt so personal and painful.
One thing I realised before long was how the explosion of almost unbearable emotion was not personal, and certainly not uncommon. Everyone goes through a similar experience eventually.
Thanks for sharing your experience. You write beautifully.
very sorry for your loss. when my father was full of tubes and pumps i felt the same, ritually tending a crack in reality until it was time to go home.
This appeared in my email about 5 days after my mom just passed. I started reading the work almost involuntarily. (Literally, as I was driving and had a moment to check my email) moments I was in the room with the author and reliving the anguish and over reaching love that wasnt about anything good so much as raw and full of un expressed loss and protection and sadness. Melancholy... sadness more like darkness than any I had felt before. And beneath all that a tender love and light that was my mother. I had to leave this comment and say Thank You. I hope there is a sort of peace that comes from knowing both the allgift that was given and is now alive in memory...
I'm so sorry for your loss. You are a very good writer which is fortunate for us. It helps us understand our feelings via the expression of your feelings. Most of us would not be able to express them with such clarity. I guess it's a brutal gift, huh?
Aella such a gift you offer here. Thank you for generously sharing your experience. I will honor your mother’s memory by infusing more love into my relationships with my children.
When it's my turn, I'd be hard pressed to compose an obituary of half the beauty and fullness of this one. Damned be the anguish of caring.
She’s such a good writer
I lost my mom nearly three months ago in much the same way and am at a point now where I feel like all (most) of my tears have already poured out of me. I haven't really spoken about losing her with anyone though, so I've struggled with figuring out how I feel because of it. Reading your story helped a little, if nothing else to make me feel a little less alone. I'm deeply grateful for your generosity and candor and wish you strength and solace, wherever you may find it.
Thank you for writing this. It’s beautiful. I am a prodigal daughter of shorts too and this hit hard. I can’t share my full life with my mom because she is too reactive to everything and the gap is painful, but I know boundless love is there and has always been there. I used to feel guilty thinking of all the things I could do if my mom wasn’t alive to stress me about them when I was younger, but then quickly I realised there is no material difference, so I went ahead and did them anyway. The difference was in the distance between us, which by now is a canyon. I am so sad now when I think of how much I would like to be closer to my mother, to have her know who her daughter really is, not just who she thinks she is. Mom can only understand the aspects of my life familiar to her: that I am
single, as of yet childless, have abandoned my home and by extension her. I wish I could expand her through me, but it’s futile. I will be in so much pain when she goes which I know will be sooner than I would like it. I am glad I read your piece, despite how difficult I find it to read things that make me cry. It helped me get in touch with the feelings for mom I suppress.
Wow, I feel very similar about my relationship with my mum:
''I am so sad now when I think of how much I would like to be closer to my mother, to have her know who her daughter really is, not just who she thinks she is.''
I also feel guilty about thinking of all the things I could do and be if I didn't have to present a certain story to my parents. All of this self-imposed hiding isnt doing me any good. Never will. Yet I'm so scared to make that step out and show my true self
Often, adult children need to realise that they can never have their parents acknowledge, let alone accept or praise, their whole selves, and, really, that may be too much to ask, because it would mean expecting our parents to fundamentally change who they are to encourage who we want to become. It is wonderful when it happens, but very rare. Managing to keep the relationship warm and as close as possible without compromising your deepest hopes and dreams should be good enough. Our hopes and desires stay with us long after our parents die. Since our parents are not with us forever, and could only be the main/central part of a significantly diminished life, we are doing a disservice to their original aim to bring up a healthy and happy child, but rejecting ourselves to become who they think we should be.
You are such an interesting person. Only after reading this account did I realize how well you can write. Beautifully, movingly.
I like to say, "May her memory be a blessing," which some recently bereaved find jarring, and maybe later come to understand. You may be a rare soul for whom it's true from the start.
Been almost 2 years since I stood in the University of Utah cancer hospital with my sisters, making the same decisions. I'm sorry, and welcome to the club nobody wants to be part of but we will all join.
What a tremendously powerful and beautiful piece. Not just a tribute, but a travelogue from a journey into the Cracks in Reality. I know that place, and rarely have I heard it described with such candor and precision.
Thank you for sharing this. I was sobbing in the end, thinking of my own mom. I need to call her.
This is an extraordinary tribute. Your love is so clear and I’m so sorry for your loss. It’s a testament to the writing that your very particular grief helped me access some entirely different very particular grief — thank you.
My mother died of cancer a number of years ago now.
Like your mum, my mum fought on. As a result there were so many “this is it” moments that when the time actually arrived it seemed surreal.
It felt so personal and painful.
One thing I realised before long was how the explosion of almost unbearable emotion was not personal, and certainly not uncommon. Everyone goes through a similar experience eventually.
Thanks for sharing your experience. You write beautifully.
very sorry for your loss. when my father was full of tubes and pumps i felt the same, ritually tending a crack in reality until it was time to go home.
This was so beautiful. Thank you for sharing Aella, and I’m so sorry for your loss
my parents are 87 and 79 and this reads like something analogous to a travel guide, thank you for writing it
This appeared in my email about 5 days after my mom just passed. I started reading the work almost involuntarily. (Literally, as I was driving and had a moment to check my email) moments I was in the room with the author and reliving the anguish and over reaching love that wasnt about anything good so much as raw and full of un expressed loss and protection and sadness. Melancholy... sadness more like darkness than any I had felt before. And beneath all that a tender love and light that was my mother. I had to leave this comment and say Thank You. I hope there is a sort of peace that comes from knowing both the allgift that was given and is now alive in memory...
I'm so sorry for your loss. You are a very good writer which is fortunate for us. It helps us understand our feelings via the expression of your feelings. Most of us would not be able to express them with such clarity. I guess it's a brutal gift, huh?
Nothing describes the fear of the transit to a loved one in the ICU. Not knowing if you're going to find them dead when you arrive. Sorry.
Aella such a gift you offer here. Thank you for generously sharing your experience. I will honor your mother’s memory by infusing more love into my relationships with my children.
Take good care of yourself. I wish you peace.